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I was stunned. Then I considered it — seriously considered it — because I was horny like every other teenage guy and it’s not like it’d ever happen with Charlie.
But I said no. Because I hate myself, apparently.
Anyway, as I was watching Charlie chat to randoms, I got to thinking that maybe I could do it too. Get drunk enough to talk to him, and hopefully he’d be in a good enough mood to talk back. We’d laugh, and then we’d touch the way we did when we were friends. Our shoulders would brush, and he’d nudge me, and I’d tug on the hem of his shirt when I wanted his attention.
Then, after talking the whole night, Charlie would admit that he liked me, and that he wanted to be my boyfriend, and I’d pretend to think about it, then play it cool and say, alright, I guess, if you want me that much, I’ll do it for you.
At the time, I thought all of this was perfectly logical. I was already tipsy by that point, but I wasn’t feeling brave enough, not yet, so I started chugging rum and coke.
The anticlimactic but retrospectively obvious ending is that Charlie did not confess his love for me. He didn’t even talk to me. And I didn’t talk to him because I was busy kneeling in front of the toilet in Misa’s house, throwing up. It appears I do have a limit after all.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Now
I spend as much time as I can with Hugo, but when he starts yawning, I know I better head home. The sky is purple-black as I walk through the city. Windows of skyscrapers glow, like honeycomb.
I stop at a convenience store and browse the shelves for something to buy, even though I’m not hungry; I just want to kill more time. I consider buying a tub of blueberry ice-cream, but I don’t have much of an appetite.
By the time I arrive at the apartment building, it’s almost midnight. I drag my feet inside and hesitate in the hallway outside the apartment. Lucas won’t be asleep by now, but hopefully he’s in his room with the door closed.
I unlock the door, but as soon as I push it open, I see the living room light is on, and my heart sinks.
Lucas sits on the couch. The TV isn’t on. He’s not on his phone. He’s not even reading a book or eating a late-night snack. He’s just sitting there. And now he’s staring at me.
“Where have you been?” His tone is so sharp, I instinctively take a step back.
“None of your business,” I retort.
His expression doesn’t change. He just looks at me, his eyes burning holes into me. Whatever. I don’t want to have another conversation like yesterday, and I especially don’t want to end up in his bed again.
I start towards my room when Lucas speaks again, voice cutting through the air.
“I was worried about you.”
I turn around to give him an incredulous look. “Why would you be worried? I’m allowed to leave the apartment by myself, you know.”
“I know you are.” He pauses, then suddenly looks at his lap. It’s so different from his usual arrogant self, so unexpectedly shy, that I almost soften. Almost.
“I— I was just—” Lucas begins, then bites down on his lip. It’s like he’s a kid again, stumbling over his words.
I can feel myself growing sympathetic. No, no, no, no. Don’t. You’re making excuses for him. Every time you think about the kid version of him, the innocent version of him, you allow him to manipulate you all over again. He’s not your best friend anymore.
He hurt you. A best friend doesn’t do that.
And he fucked you. A best friend doesn’t do that, either.
“What?” I say, and I’m proud my voice comes out stone-hard.
He looks at me, and his hand creeps up to scratch the back of his neck. He catches himself and forces his hand down before standing up, and I’m suddenly reminded of his height.
The hesitation fades from his expression. “I was worried about how you’d react after what we did,” he says, and it’s only because I’ve known him since we were six that I know his confidence is false.
“You don’t need to worry about me. And I don’t want to speak about what happened.” With that, I take a step towards my room. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”
“That’s it?” he says to my back. “We’re not going to talk about it?”
“Did you not hear what I just said?”
