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It was absurd.
But no matter how mature I got, no matter how much therapy I’d sat through over the years, there was a part of me that was a small, unloved little girl in a dark, scary world, who wanted someone to give a shit, who thought there was something fundamentally unlovable about her if her own parent couldn’t love her more than the drugs that took over his life.
It didn’t matter that the older, rational part of me understood that his addiction—and the actions because of them—had absolutely nothing to do with me.
There was damage done in those early years.
And in running away from it, refusing to own it, to face up to it, had allowed me—even a small bit—to continue to believe those ugly things about myself. The repercussions of that were likely long and wide and unknowable.
But moving forward, I had a feeling things would change.
Opening up was something that couldn’t be undone.
Now that I dug up those buried parts of me, I realized they weren’t as ugly as I once thought. They just needed some brushing off, some mending, some love and attention.
I found I was committed to doing that.
And I couldn’t help but wonder what it meant that Christopher had been the one to bring about those changes.
I had a feeling that if I analyzed it, I would realize it meant a lot.
Which was why I went ahead and, you know, didn’t do that.
Because that pattern of burying and avoiding things had worked out so well for me in the past…
TWELVE
Miller
I felt like it was a test.
Which was ridiculous, of course, because absolutely no one doubted my skills save for myself.
So I guess it was more like something I needed to prove to myself.
That I could do something that no one would think I was capable of.
Hell, I wasn’t even sure I was.
To keep house and home.
To prepare meals.
To do all the things that working so hard had made it impossible to spend time learning how to do.
It was made especially hard by the fact that I had nothing and no one to reference.
Anyone could copy a recipe off of Pinterest, follow it exactly, and create a halfway edible meal.
But to have to start with raw ingredients and just… hope for the best?
Quite the trial by fire, if you ask me.
I had a giant, empty kitchen, several bags of fresh groceries, and spices on the back deck.
“Are you afraid it is going to come back to life?” Alexander asked, making me realize I had been staring down at the chicken breasts in front of me.
“I’m trying to remember what tastes good with chicken,” I admitted. “I have suddenly forgotten every single meal I have ever eaten.”
“We’re not picky,” he assured me.
“That’s because you have Cora, master chef extraordinaire, making your meals,” I grumbled.
“We have faith in you,” Alexander assured me, going toward the back door.
“Oh, sure, go into town and pre-feed yourself,” I called to him. “I won’t be insulted at all!”
“He insulted you?” Christopher asked, moving into the space, somehow looking better than he had looked this morning when I bumped into him on my way into our shared bathroom as he made his way out in a pair of black pajama pants, hair bed-messy.
He wore gray slacks, a black belt, and a crisp white tucked-in shirt, the top two buttons undone, but without a jacket.
There was no real work to be done here, no one seeing him but the rest of us, but he still felt the need to dress up.
Which I found oddly endearing, to be honest. And since all of the clothes he bought for me were dresses, we sort of matched. I would have felt really out of place if I was always in a dress and he was walking around in sweats.
“No. He’s been trying to convince me that I have the slightest idea what I am doing here,” I told him, waving toward the scattered possible ingredients spread across the island.
“You’ll do fine. Just think of what you like to put together taste-wise, and combine those things,” he offered, shrugging.
“I have forgotten what everything tastes like,” I told him, tone grave, something that made a smile break out across his face.
It was so unexpected, so uncommon on his stern face, that I felt like my chest was tight at getting to witness it.
That was cheesy as hell.
But it was true nonetheless.
Maybe I liked things a little bit cheesy these days.
“Alright. How about I make you a frappe?” he offered, already moving to do so, grabbing the milk, the instant coffee, and the chocolate syrup. “Then you can remember what some things taste like, and can focus on your food again.”
“That sounds like a good plan,” I agreed, watching him as he moved around.
I never gave much thought to someone making me coffee before. Kai had done it many times for me. And I had done it for him, for a lot of the guys in the office. It was just a normal, everyday gesture.
