AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I rubbed his back. “You’re okay. I’m okay. Nothing happened, thanks to Ransom and Gunnar. You don’t need to make apologies for fever dreams.”
I put my hand on his cheek. He was nice and cool, and although he was stumbling a bit like he’d slept hard, his gaze was clear.
“It was like I knew what was happening, but I also didn’t. I…I would never hurt you for anything in the world.”
His gaze was so pained, I acted without giving it any more thought. I kissed him, squarely and gently on the lips. “I know that. Okay? I do. I’ve seen and experienced pain from others. That isn’t who you are.”
He closed his eyes, pushing our foreheads together. “Give me their names. They’ll no longer breathe.”
“Dinner before death, okay?” Crew laughed. “And don’t plan any murders without consulting with me. I want in on that.”
12
BACK TO BEFORE
The visayan was the best thing I ever ate. Or maybe it was the company? Although Ransom stumbled out first, Gunnar quickly followed suit, and we soon sat around the fire sharing the meal I helped prepare. Their easy banter and laughter didn’t make me feel excluded; rather I felt like part of a happy group. The novelty of the sensation—one I hadn’t experienced since Amias and my brother passed—filled me with satisfaction almost as quickly as the food.
The pain of loss wasn’t gone, I realized, feeling the familiar little stab and breathing through it. I still grieved Stone and Amias, but it was almost like I was learning to appreciate everything else more with the loss so sharp and jagged in my chest.
I wasn’t over it, by any means. I might never be. I just didn’t want to cry right then, though, which was unusual for me when it came to thinking of Stone and Amias. I set my plate aside with a small smile, and Ransom caught my gaze from across the fire. “It’s okay, you know. I’m doing it, too,” he admitted softly.
“Doing it?” I wasn’t sure what he meant, and I certainly wasn’t bringing my grief to the happy moment together.
He tilted his head, his gaze seeming to see more than I thought I revealed. “Missing Amias. I’m sure you miss your brother. I keep thinking Amias should be here, too, and it’s been five years since I saw him. This is raw stuff, especially for you, but I think it’s okay. We can be happy. He’d want that, I think. Or at least that’s what I decided. For me, anyway.”
I swallowed. “This is the best meal I’ve ever had, and I think it’s because I’m having it with all of you. I’m happy, and I’m glad I’m here with you…and then…I just…I remember.”
Mace put his arm around me while Gunnar came to sit behind me. In a move I didn’t expect, he put his legs around me then dragged me against his chest. Crew touched my knee, his gaze warm when it met my own. In that moment, three of them touched me, and Ransom held eye contact like I was the most important person he’d ever seen. I sucked in my breath. I’d never felt like people were so attuned to me before, like I mattered more, not ever before.
“I’m sorry. ” I shook my head. “I’m turning the best night ever into…”
“Into what it needs to be,” Gunnar supplied. “We can feel all kinds of ways at the same time. That’s what makes us human, right? We don’t have to be just one way. I mean…I don’t know. That’s just what I’ve learned all these years watching. We can feel happy. We can think the food is outstanding. We can…know that the girl sitting with us is like a gift from the universe we never expected to find. We can think about the fact we miss our friend, who should be here with us. We can be sick to our stomach because we never met his husband. I don’t know. All those things, all at once.”
I nodded. “I think you’re right. I know I got to live a life that you didn’t have, but please know—I also haven’t exactly lived a traditional life. I’m a prostitute, and that shaped my experiences. Look at my head and…”
“No.” Crew squeezed my leg. “You’re not a prostitute. You’re a woman who was held captive and forced to do things for years. There are words for all of that. We can use them, if you’d prefer.”
I held up my hand to stop him. I knew what he meant, but I wasn’t ready to think about my life under any other terms. I rubbed the back of my neck. Sometimes things were just too…much.
That is okay. Maybe. What did I know? Between the lack of education due to my status and gender and my own inability to pay attention, I missed way too much.
I leaned back against Gunnar. These guys were all wide awake. Super Soldiers hardly ever slept, and they’d all had a good knock out from their detox hours. Despite my healing sleep and my rest afterward, nighttime made me tired. It wasn’t how I was built. On evenings that I didn’t have to work, I always fell asleep easily—like my brain had a shut-off valve, forcing me to sleep despite my responsibilities to Clarke’s clients.
I yawned, knowing I could fight it if I had to, and Gunnar squeezed me tighter.
He said, “You can sleep, if you want. Or we can take you inside to the ship. In the morning, unless Crew says otherwise, we’ll fly back home. We can’t be away too much longer. They might need us.”
It was really sweet how they looked out for everyone else, despite sneaking me away for a bit of privacy. They had to go home, and I liked the idea of going back, too. It was nice there, and I hadn’t really had time to fall into any kind of routine with them. What will that be like?
“I’ll move. If I fall asleep, you’re going to be stuck with me leaning against you.” The fire kept the area warm, and it wasn’t raining on us. The thought tilted my head up, and I searched for the stars, but I couldn’t see them through the electricity putting on a show above us.
Without Lightning Man , we weren’t in danger sitting out there, and we could safely watch the colors swirling in the unsettled sky.
“I like it, ” Gunnar whispered in my ear. Everyone could hear him, but it was sweet nonetheless. “I’ve got nowhere to be. It’s nice right now. If you fall asleep and it gets cold for you, I’ll carry you inside to that awful bed. I’ll even cover you up in blankets.”
I smiled. Despite my tiredness, I very much doubted I could fall asleep on Gunnar outside on the ground.
“Do you remember the game Amias used to play?” Mace asked with a smile, as he threw a piece of wood into the fire. It popped before it exploded in brilliant sparks. He grinned and did it again.
