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My mother was good, pure. She was needed. Francesca is only 3 and Benny only 4, they need their mother. They need a father too but I'm not stupid enough to think they’ll ever have one. Not now our mother is gone. She was the only thing my father was interested in, keeping her happy was his top priority. Everything’s changed now. It's been two weeks since her death and I've seen him twice. Both times he didn't say a word to me, not until this morning. He hasn't brought me to work with him like he usually would. He hasn't even looked at Luca or Fran. I understand why, out of the lot of us, they resemble her most. It's sometimes painful when I look at them. Luca not so much, his eyes are different. They’re hollow now.
Raff won't listen to anyone, he's rebelling. He wants to be more involved with the business like me and Luca. Who am I to stop him? If he's got half the amount of rage inside his chest like I do, I'm not going to stand in his way.
It's her funeral today. The only words my father said to me was that we needed to appear strong today and that I needed to keep Raff's emotions in check. Benito and Fran won't be attending. He said it's no place for children, maybe he doesn't realise that Raff is only 12.
Nonetheless, every single made man on the East Coast will be there today. Including the five families who rule alongside my father. We have an alliance with the five families but my mother's murder is a sign of weakness. If Salvatore Moretti's wife could be gunned down whilst sitting in a restaurant, what's stopping them from pushing us out? We've been left wide open for the vultures and my father needs to make sure none of the families think this is their time to pick us apart.
Meaning it’s a show of strength today, not a day to grieve our mom. I'm not worried about myself or Luca. We both find it hard to show emotion at the best of times, Raff is who I’m worried about. He’s a mess. Lashing out, crying, breaking things. Keeping him under control will be a task.
I'm already dressed in my black suit when I open up Raff's bedroom door. He's sitting on his bed in the same black suit just staring at his hands. He looks up when I enter and his dark eyes are bloodshot.
I slip my hands into my pockets and lean against the wall as I look around at the mess. His TV is on the floor, smashed. His basketball poster in shreds. “Raff, we need to look strong today.” My own voice sounds hollow.
“Don't worry, I won't embarrass the family.” He mumbles.
“It's not that it would embarrass us.” I lie, taking a seat next to him. “With what happened.” I clear my throat. I don't think I could say the words out loud if I wanted to. “It leaves us vulnerable. We need to show the other families a united front. Today they will surround us like predators looking to pick off bits and pieces where they can and we can't become their prey. Not today. Not ever.” He looks at me and nods. “We are Morettis, Raff. That means something. It always needs to mean something.” He straightens a little more and I clasp his shoulder. “Come on, it's time to go.”
Raff holds it together at the funeral. It went as could be expected, cold and unfeeling. Nothing like my mother. We return in the town car along with my father and three of his highest-ranking men, my two uncles Gio and Antonio. My godparents, Valentina Ortiz and Pietro Russo in the car behind. Raff heads straight for his bedroom and everyone else heads for my father's office, but Val lingers before the open doorway. Her sharp brown eyes drift from Luca, who is still outside on the porch, to me.
“Val, you coming?” Her husband asks. She waves a hand at him. “I’ll be in in a minute.” Something passes in their eyes and when he looks at me there's a whole mess of emotions I don't want to even touch right now. Pietro isn't usually emotional, in fact, he's the opposite. He is responsible for the west coast, Vegas being his base and he's a tough mother fucker. I think the fact that he looks so cut up says more about my mother than it says about him.
He closes the door behind him and Valentina puts a hand on my elbow. Tilting her head in that all-knowing way she does. “It gets better.”
I let out a laugh that's verging on disbelieving and she nods like she feels my pain all too well, smooths the already smooth hair on her head and takes a breath. “I want to speak to you and Luca, about Fran and Benny.”
Something gets my back up, not sure what when Val has never done anything but be a good friend to my mom and an amazing godmother to me and my siblings. Maybe it's because I'm burning up with rage inside, maybe it’s because I feel like I'm about to snap entirely. Who knows. Who fucking cares.
“Now might not be the right time.” She says more to herself than anyone.
“Say what you need to say.” Lucas's voice sounds from behind me where he is now walking to join us in the foyer. It's the most I’ve heard him speak all day.
“I want to offer my help, raising kids is difficult.” Her eyes flit from me to Luca again, pain and familiarity written on her features. “You both are too young to be raising toddlers.” She steps closer, lowers her voice. “Don't think I don't know what your father is.” Her voice is hard, unwavering.
Most people assume it would be her husband who holds the power but that's so far from the truth. Valentina outranks her husband a thousand to one. There's a leaderboard for the players in our world and Valentina sits at number one. The 5-foot-nothing woman who looks at me with soft brown motherly eyes is responsible for the whole of South America and she rules with an iron fist.
“We can handle it,” Luca says abruptly. Shadows flickering in his eyes.
She looks at him, really looks at him but nods. “Well, if you ever can’t. They have a place with us. You all have a place with us.” She doesn't wait for a response, she doesn't need one. She turns and waltzes into my father's office without knocking.
I don't think about the offer, there's nothing to think about. Fran, Benny and Raff are my responsibility. All of them. They stay with us and our place is here. It's that simple.
When I push Fran and Benny's bedroom door open, it's dark but I can hear sobbing. I push the door wider, the light from the hallway illuminating the room. Both of them are huddled in Benny's bed. Francesca is sobbing and Benny is attempting to comfort her even though his own cheeks are wet.
Fran looks up at me, her little face so sad it punches me in the chest. I take a seat at the end of the bed and Fran throws herself onto me sobbing loudly, her little shoulders shaking almost violently. I just hold her, stroking her dark curls. “I want Mama.” She sobs and all I can think is, me too.
I can see Benny's lip quivering as Luca steps in the door, his face is still emotionless but he takes a seat on the bed and pulls Benny into him. He grips Luca's waist and sobs into his jacket as Luca just sits there letting him, cradling his head into his body.
“Was Mama a good person?” Benny asks into Luca’s jacket.
Luca gives me a strange look and I return it. “Mama was an angel. She was the best person.” I say.
Benny takes an audible sigh along with a sniffle. “Okay.”
“Why?” Luca asks with furrowed brows.
Benny sits up, cheeks still wet and looks between us both. “Because at school they taught us that if you're a bad person you don’t get to go to heaven, you go to the bad place and I don’t want Mama to go to the bad place.”
Jesus Christ, he’s 4. He doesn’t need to know about the bad place. I’ll keep him from that bad place as long as I'm still breathing. I’m taking him out of that fucking school. Luca gives me a dark look saying he thinks the same thing.
