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“That's where you get it from then?” I say and her face brightens.
“Yeah, I suppose so. He taught me how to not break a hand when I punch something.” She laughs. I love the way her face lights up when she speaks about her brother.
“Yeah, I think we should brush up on those skills.”
She frowns at me, her dark hair falling into her face. I push a lock behind her ear. “I'd sleep a lot better if I was confident you can protect yourself. I want to teach you to use a gun too.” I'd sleep even better if she had someone with her at all times but I can't justify that. I don’t want to bring too much attention to her. Our enemies don’t need to know how important she is to me. I'd be more relaxed knowing she has the means to protect herself, even if we weren’t together. I always want her to be safe.
She shakes her head. “Guns make me nervous.”
I scoff a laugh and put the car in drive. “They would make you less nervous if you knew how to operate one. Next week, I'll teach you.” She looks at me with trust in her eyes and that guilty feeling comes crawling back. How am I meant to end this? I can't let her go, but also I can't back out of the agreement. I can't put my family in danger after I've fought so hard to keep them all safe. I push the thought away, grabbing her good hand, intertwining our fingers and pressing a kiss to her fingers like somehow keeping her close is going to solve all of my problems.
She looks over to me and when she looks at me like that, my breath catches, she looks at me like I’m starting to mean everything to her. It's painful.
20
Casimira
Nine Months Earlier
Brixton, London
I spent the rest of the day with Alek. Honestly, I just wanted to be around him. He settles me more than anybody and the thought of him going to prison is terrifying. I have 25 missed calls from Tom and more angry messages than I can count.
Knowing he won't leave me alone until I call him back, I decided to just show up at his. To be honest I've been thinking about ending it with him for a while. The only thing stopping me is the fact it's going to cause drama between him and Alek. I know I’m not in love with him. I've never been in love with anyone but I just know in my heart this isn't it. He’s my longest-ever relationship, I never stick around for long but for some reason, Tom drags me back in. It’s a head fuck really, because I'll catch myself second-guessing my feelings sometimes. When things are good between me and Tom, I'm happy and I find myself seeing everything good about him and appreciating him. Sometimes I think I could love him like he loves me, maybe in a different situation.
Maybe if he was different.
I've never been good at adult decisions, my whole life I've been impulsive and flighty. I can never stick to a decision. I'm always going back on myself. That's why I thought it was good to be with Tom. He makes most of my decisions for me. I thought that was a good thing, but now I'm not so sure, it's just from such a young age me and Alek were left to parent ourselves. I've had to be in charge of my life for such a long time. I thought it would be nice to hand over the responsibility and be looked after. This doesn't feel like I'm being looked after, it feels like I'm a possession. Something to horde and obsess over. Someone he can fuck whenever he likes. Someone he can show off in front of his mates.
I don't like it.
I'm not an object. I'm a person.
I could have put up with it but him letting Alek take the blame for something that was undoubtedly his fault crosses the line. Treat me like shit all you want but when my family is involved, that's where I have to draw the line.
Letting myself into Toms's flat, I stride straight into the lounge, ready for a screaming match because that's how it always is lately.
He sat on the sofa drinking a beer. Considering it's been ten hours since he got out of the police station, he still hasn't changed. He's still in the same grey tracksuit, hair a mess whilst his face is a storm.
His eyes flick up to me, nothing but bottled-up rage showing in them. “Your phone not working?” There's nothing pleasant in his tone, it's dripping in disdain.
I take a seat on the computer chair opposite him. “I’m not sure, with the amount of fucking notifications from you I wouldn't be surprised if it did break.”
“You're a joke.” He sneers at me and looks away taking a swig of his beer.
I’m not surprised, name calling is the norm for him. “Hang on a minute, why are you angry? You got my brother arrested and then made him take the fall for it?”
His whole body tenses. The rage in the room becomes palpable. “You're the reason we got arrested. If you hadn't caused that argument, I never would have left. You have yourself to thank for that.” He practically spits the last words at me.
I let out a humourless laugh. “Don't you dare turn this around on me, you're a big boy, you make your own decisions. You chose to start an argument like you do every bloody day!” My voice gets louder with each word. “You chose to drive like a fucking idiot and then you chose to let Aleksy take the fall for you. What kind of friend does that?”
He cocks his head and his eyes darken. “You need to check your fucking tone when you speak to me.”
The anger starts to burn through my chest, words coming out without any intention. “I’m done checking my tone with you. You fucked up, and it’s going to cost Alek his life.”
He jumps to his feet. “What? And you don't care about my life? It's always about Alek, isn't it? I wouldn't be surprised if I found out you two were fucking each other!” He launches the bottle at the wall beside me. I jump back as the bottle smashes and my mouth hangs open. He's not right in the head.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I scream jumping out of my seat and fisting my hands at my sides. “You’re fucking delusional.”
