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By the time the morning rolls around and Casimira pulls into the parking garage, I’m mentally exhausted. I didn’t sleep. Pretty sure I haven't slept in days. The way she looked at me last night, I never want to see her look at me like that again. I’ll do whatever I need to fix this. She can’t even meet my eyes when I open the door, her face looks so sad and I fucking hate myself for being the reason for that. She's not even dressed like she usually does. Just a muted cardigan and jeans, no weird outfit or pop of colour. She walks straight past me and up to my room taking a seat on the edge of my bed with her hands on her lap. I close the door leaning back against it. My hands itch to touch her but I restrain myself.
She finally meets my eyes and all I can see is hurt shining back at me. “I can’t be the reason you don't go through with it.”
She is the reason I won't go through with it. I won't have anyone else. “I've made my mind up.”
“You can't expect me to just be fine with this. What if you or someone in your family gets hurt? I won't be able to live with myself.” She sighs and the exhaustion in that one sigh has me moving towards her. I stop in front of her and crouch down trying to catch her eyes.
I take her chin in my hands, making her look into my eyes. “Casimira, I will burn the whole world to the ground so you and me are the last people left standing if I have to. You are my woman, I won't have anyone else.” I don’t care what I have to do. I'm not letting her go.
“I won't ask you to do that.” She places a hand on my wrist and pushes it down, but doesn't let go. “If something was to happen to you or your family, it would eat me alive. How would I ever look at any of them in the eye again knowing I'm the reason for this whole situation.” She pulls her hands away from mine to hold her head in her hands and I feel the loss immediately.
“You can't tell me that you don't want this. Me and you, we’re right. I won't let anyone get hurt. I’ll make it right.” I don't care what I have to offer Sean. I’ll give him a bigger territory if that's what it takes. I'm willing to give anything. The defiance in her eyes wavers. I hold her face and press a kiss to her lips. “Just please, trust me again. Let me make this right. I need you. I need you with me, baby.” I kiss her again and she finally melts into me.
She feels the same as me. She doesn’t want to deny herself this either. I lay her down, slipping her shirt over her head and kissing down her body. I want to worship her. I want to give her everything in life she wants and more. She reaches down to lift my shirt off. I pull her jeans down along with her panties. God. I’ve never wanted anything as much as her. I lower myself down between her legs making slow strokes with my tongue down her pussy, savouring the taste of her like it might be the last.
I take my time with her until she starts to moan and I can tell she's close. I slip a finger inside just as she topples over the edge, feeling her clench as she reaches release. Once her orgasm finally ebbs, I kiss my way back up her body, taking my trousers and boxers off. I slowly thrust into her whilst I’m looking into her eyes, I take it slowly not wanting this to end. I swear when I'm inside her it feels like our souls are connected. I've never felt anything like it before.
It's like we're one person, one mind. I pump in and out of her, my forehead resting against hers. She's running her nails over my back matching my tempo. She flips us over so she’s on top facing me and starts to ride me slowly, still looking into my eyes. When people talk about making love I guess this is what they mean, like your chest is splitting open and there's nothing you can do to prevent or contain it. She’s reaching climax again. I can tell by the way her body starts to tense up and her chest starts to rise and fall in more rapid movements. I'm nearly there myself. I grip her hips firmly thrusting into her deeper as we both reach climax at the same time. She falls onto me and I just hold her close whilst we both get our breath back.
“I feel like this is a mistake.” She mumbles into my chest.
I stroke her hair. “This is the only thing in my life that feels right. How can it be a mistake?”
“The biggest mistakes always seem like a good idea at the time.” She whispers it like she doesn't trust her own voice.
I pull her away from my chest so I can look at her. “This isn't a temporary thing. You are my future.” She takes a shaky breath and I cup her cheek. “I need to go speak with my father,” I say pulling myself away from her even though it’s the last thing I want to do.
The worry is clear on her tired face when she asks, “What are you going to do?”
I take her face in my hands and press our foreheads together just for a second. “Let me worry about that. I'll be back soon, vita mia.”
I shower and get myself ready, kissing her goodbye before I leave. Just before I walk out the door, I turn to see her lying face down naked on my bed with her arms curled around a pillow. This is what I'm doing this for. I always thought love made you weak and reckless but it’s the opposite. It only makes you more focused and more driven to succeed because it's not just me I want to succeed, it's her too. It's not just my future, it's ours.
29
Casimira
Present-day
Manhattan, New York City
I must have fallen asleep after Enzo left. When I open my eyes, I'm still alone and naked, wrapped in his buttery soft sheets. I grab my phone from the nightstand to see a missed call a couple of hours ago from Aleksy. I ring back but he doesn’t answer. That’s becoming the norm for him now. I decide to leave a voicemail. “What's the point in having a phone if you never answer, Alek?” I snap before taking a breath and lightening my tone. “I booked a flight. I'll be back next week. Just call me back, please.” My voice cracks at the word please and I hang up. I feel like a deflated balloon. You know the foil ones that start to sag after a couple of days? Yeah. I’ve got nothing in me.
I pull myself out of bed, slip my clothes back on and walk downstairs to get myself a drink. The house is quiet, leading me to believe nobody is here. It's a shame, I could use some company to stop my head from going into overdrive. I go to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. Leaning back against the counter, taking a minute to think about what Enzo is willing to risk for me and what it really means. I don’t know if I could live with myself if this ends in war and someone gets hurt. My chest tightens but my thoughts are interrupted by my phone ringing.
I try to lighten my tone into something less drained. “Hey, mum.” I don't succeed.
She doesn’t reply straight away. It's silent and then I can hear her sobbing. I straighten, gripping the phone a bit tighter. “Mum? What’s happened?”
She's hysterically crying as if she can't breathe. I hear Steve take the phone, he sounds like he's crying too. “Cas.” He stops himself like he’s choking on the words.
“Steve, what the fuck is going on?”
“It's Alek.” He chokes out.
I can hear my mum screaming in the background. It’s a scream filled with anguish that I've never heard before.
“He's dead.”
