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I pull myself out of bed and force myself to shower and get myself ready. I put on an old black dress that I left here with a pair of tights and black dunks. I brush my hair and leave it down. I don't attempt makeup, I have no energy for it. I put some food in a bowl for Julius, setting it by the bed. He looks at it but doesn't move to get up. I crouch down and stroke over his back. “If you eat something, so will I.” He looks at me, pushes his wet nose against my cheek and finally gets up and sniffs at his food. I’ve borrowed my mum's phone a few times over the last week to ring Hannah. I don't remember seeing her when I went home to get my passport but I can't really remember flying home either, it's all just a blur.
I had to tell Hannah that Aleksy died. Saying the words made it feel real. She's heartbroken, although she can't make it back for the funeral she didn’t go into detail but, I know it's something to do with James. I can't bring myself to care. I've spoken to her a few times since and she told me Enzo got married three days ago.
I thought about ringing him and explaining but I thought maybe it's fate if he thinks I left him. I don’t want to put him through the pain I’m going through right now. I don’t think I can handle another death on my hands if he was to call the wedding off because of me. I’ve tried to come to peace with the situation so that he can start a new life but I can’t. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore than it already has but hearing that from Hannah was the driving force that obliterated it all together.
The mood in the house is as bleak as it can get. The house doesn’t feel right without Alek's presence. There's no smiles, no laughs. The house is full of my family yet I've never felt more isolated and alone.
The guilt is the worst. I know it's my fault. My mum said she doesn’t blame me but I don’t believe her. How could she not?
Alek and I were each other’s strength and I failed him. I also can't help but feel this burning anger towards him. It's just there constantly simmering under the surface. The anger makes me feel more guilty. How can I be angry at him when he's not even here?
He left me alone in this world. We came into this world together and I thought we would grow old together. Our kids growing up together as cousins but that will never happen now. I'll never get to watch him meet the love of his life and get married. I'll never get to meet the nieces and nephews I might have had. I'll never get to laugh with him again. We will never share another birthday; it will always be a day when I’m missing the biggest part of my life.
I'm standing in front of the mirror looking at my reflection and all I see is Alek. It hurts too much. I’ve kept the mirrors covered so far because if I don't I’ll smash them to pieces. I let the anger dwell under the surface, eating me alive because that’s what I deserve. My hand hovers over his watch. Unmoving, just like Alek now I guess. I close my eyes tightly as if I can magic the hands to start sweeping again. Magic my brother to breathe oxygen once more. When I open them again nothing changes. The watch is still. My brother is in a coffin outside. Magic doesn't exist and this is real life. I pick it up, gently smoothing over the still face and slip it on my wrist.
There's a knock at the door and Steve pops his head round. His bald head, which is usually clean shaved is growing slight stubble. His face is withered with stress and it looks as if he's aged ten years. “It's time to go, love.”
I nod and grab one of Alek’s Stone Island hoodies from the wash basket to pull it around myself. It still smells like him. I follow Steve downstairs and outside where our little street is full of cars and people wanting to join the funeral procession.
Alek was well-known in the community, everyone loved him. How could you not? He was always the brightest one in the room. That sounds so bittersweet now because none of us noticed how much he was hurting.
Everyone showed up for his funeral yet nobody was there when he needed them most.
I wasn't there when he needed me most.
My mum is standing, staring into the hearse that holds Alek's coffin. She looks so lost it breaks me that much more every time I look at her. Her black hair is pulled into a low bun, her cheeks hollow making her cheekbones look even sharper. Her blue eyes have no light in them, her tanned skin looks ashen. She usually looks so warm but now she's just totally lost.
I wrap my arm around her and guide her towards the black town car waiting for us so we can drive to the crematorium. She can't even look at me but she probably sees Alek too. We drive up the street, passing everyone standing outside their front doors. A few people smile sadly, others are crying, some just bow their heads in respect.
When we arrive, Jack, Michael and Steve walk up to the car carrying his coffin so they can carry it into the church. I see three of Alek's closest friends join them including Tom. His dirty blonde hair is cut shorter than I remember, he's lost weight too. My stomach tightens and I wish I could go over there and tell him not to touch my brother's coffin. Tell him that he doesn’t deserve to carry him to his final resting place but I can’t do that to my mum. She deserves a peaceful send-off.
As they lift the coffin, my youngest brother Jack breaks down, he's only sixteen. Steve is behind him trying to shoulder the weight that Jack isn’t carrying. My feet start moving and I rush over to them. I tap Jack on the shoulder and take his place. The wooden frame digs into my shoulder as I rest my hand on the side. This is the closest I'll ever be to him again. I keep myself together as best I can, sobbing silently until we reach the podium and set him down.
Michael wraps his arm around me and supports my weight as I think I’m about to keel over. He pulls me over to the front row and I collapse into the bench. Michael’s fiancée Leah grabs my hand giving it a squeeze that I can only imagine was meant to be comforting. The church fills up. All the seats are taken to the point that people stand all the way outside the doors. I see so many faces but they all blur together. There’s only one face I want to see and I'll never get to look at it again.
The service goes on but I don’t hear any of it. Mum asked me to speak but I said no. I've barely said two words since I got home. There are no words I could say that would even come close to explaining how much he meant to me and what we’ve lost.
Tom keeps glancing at me during the service. I can't bring myself to look at him. Everyone starts to leave, going over to Alek's coffin and saying their last goodbyes. I wait until everyone’s left and we’re alone. I pull out the picture of us he kept in his car, kiss it and tuck it underneath the flowers on top of his coffin. As my fingers touch the cold gloss this overwhelming rage comes over me. Not at him but at me.
Never in my wildest nightmares did I think him taking his own life would be a possibility. I’ve started analysing everything he said to me, was it a sign? Could I have done more? Should I have been more vigilant? How willfully blind was I that this didn't even cross my mind? I didn't think there would ever be a chance of this happening because I was so self-centred that I just assumed he would forever be a part of my world, he would forever be a main character in my story. I would never go a day without speaking to him. Yet here I am looking down at the wooden box that holds his body and I know deep in my heart that it's my fault.
I press my forehead against the light wood and try to force myself to say something, nothing comes. I turn on weak legs and walk out. I can’t say those words. I can’t tell him goodbye.
We all go to the local pub we hired out for the wake. It was the pub Alek frequented, and the one I used to work at. It's full by the time we get there, everyone already drowning their sorrows. People swapping their favourite stories about Alek. I head straight to the bar ignoring people's condolences as I go. I order several shots. I don’t want to remember this. I take each shot one after the other, savouring the way my throat burns. I can't remember the last time I ate so they hit me almost immediately.
I make my way outside and sit down at a table on my own. I sit there for a while just staring at my hands whilst I toy with Aleksy’s signet ring until a few of Alek's friends come over. Michael comes and sits next to me wrapping his arm around me.
“It's not your fault, Cas.” He says his blue eyes red from crying.
I give him a small smile. I'm not going to sit here and argue with him. We all know it is my fault.
Hours pass, the sun sets and everyone gets more and more drunk. People bring me drinks one after the other. I drink all of them in one until my vision is blurred. Some of Aleks' friends sit next to me as well as my Auntie Michelle and Steve.
My auntie Michelle turns to me. “How are you holding up babe?”
“I'll be okay.” I know I won’t be but that’s what you're meant to say. You’re meant to say that you'll get over it, you’ll grieve and one day you’ll be okay. I know that’s not true, nothing will ever be okay without him.
She starts to cry when I make eye contact. “I’m sorry. You just look so much like him.” She says dabbing her eyes. If my heart could crack anymore I'm sure it would but I don’t feel a thing. Just that gaping hole in my chest.
