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“I think she’s the one who should be worried about what she’s getting herself in for.” I deadpan.
There’s been a change in Luca since everything went down. I would say it’s since we dealt with the Russians and avenged our mama but I know it’s not. He feels free now our father is gone. The darkness that seemed to radiate out of him has dissipated slightly. Only a fraction but it’s noticeable.
I can’t say the same for myself. I've found myself spiralling into a pit for the last eighteen months. The fall seems never-ending. The only emotion I feel anymore is anger. I'd like to say I feel this way because I watched my father and wife murdered in front of my eyes but I know that’s not true. This feeling started the day Casimira got on that plane. I've tried not to think about her but I haven’t gone a day without thinking about her. I see her everywhere I go. Anytime I see a woman with black hair or a black BMW drives past, my heartbeat falters but it’s never her. I have to remind myself each time that she left and she's not coming back. I can't watch basketball anymore. Can't go to my penthouse anymore. Had to sell every one of my cars she sat in or drove. The thought of selling the house passed through me in the early days but I am not my father.
Fran finally had enough of me. It was a month after we dealt with the Bratva, I was in a state. I didn't have anything to keep my focus so it was constantly on Casimira. I was drunk walking through the kitchen to just go out and not be around things that reminded me of her when Fran stopped me. They were all in the kitchen, Luca, Raff, Benny.
Her eyes were worried and it made me so fucking angry. I wasn't the person they worried about, They didn't get to worry about me. That was my job.
“Maybe we can look for Cas and just talk to her. Let me do it?” She said, face apprehensive.
The mention of her name just sent me over the edge. I threw my phone at the wall. “How many times do I have to say it? I don’t want to hear her fucking name.”
“Enzo,” Luca said sharply, putting a hand on my shoulder. I threw his arm off and pushed him away from me without even thinking about it.
My chest was beating like a drum. I could physically feel the anger choking me. “No, she’s nothing, she means nothing. I don’t want to hear her mentioned again. Do you hear me?”
Raff chimed in from his seat on the kitchen counter. “Brother, it’s clear you’re not okay. You're drunk all the time and you barely speak anymore.”
“Fuck that. As long as there’s food on our table and we're safe, I’m doing what I’m meant to do. Anything more is fuck all to do with anyone else.” I spat.
Fran’s eyes were wide and she was about to start crying. Benny took one look at Fran's face and shook his head at me. “You’re acting like Salvatore.” It hit me straight in the chest, kill shot. I actually stumbled back a step under the weight of his words.
“Benito,” Raff growled at the same time Luca whirled on Benny, shoving his finger into his chest. “You take that back right now.”
I pulled Luca’s shoulder back. “Fuck. No. He’s right.” I grabbed Benny and wrapped an arm around Fran's shoulders. “I’m sorry. It won't happen again. I’m good I promise.” I wasn't but I needed to be.
Luca, Raff and I shared a look. One that told me I needed to get my shit together. I needed to be present. Raff pointed a finger at me, dark eyes piercing. “You are nothing like him.”
“Nothing,” Fran said quietly.
I released them and Benny slapped my arm, eyes heavy. “Sorry, I didn't mean it. You aren't like him in the slightest. You've been here.”
“I will always be here, for all of you,” I said and I looked at all of them pointedly.
Luca tilted his head slightly, eyes worried but face blank. “Shall I get a picture of this adorable family moment? We could stick it on a Christmas card.”
Fran groaned and Benny laughed. Raff threw a grape at Luca and I thought to myself this is the first time since she left that I'd felt anything other than anger.
That was the last time anyone mentioned her name in my presence. It was also my wake-up call. I didn't have the luxury of breaking under the weight of her absence. I sorted my act out as best I could. I went to work, I did what I was meant to do. I showed up for family dinner and I didn’t get drunk. Then when the day was over and I was alone, I’d sit in the darkness and I’d fucking wither in it.
As Luca drives us through the city I look out the passenger window taking in the sight of my city. It's been a cold February. There's still frost covering the roads and cars. I used to like seeing the city in frost or snow but now I don’t enjoy anything. We’re parking up on the street outside the new and improved Moretti group office building when I get a glimpse of black silky hair walking across the street. As usual, I double-check check it's not her, waiting for the familiar burn inside. She's standing just behind a car, on the phone. Her hair down with a cream beanie hat and a stupid-looking black and white bandana print quilted parka. The wind blows and she flicks an errant strand of her hair out of her face. That’s when it registers. With all the layers it was hard to see but I’d know that face anywhere. It haunts my every dream.
She’s back.
She’s in New York.
Casimira is back.
“What are you looki-’” Luca stops mid-sentence when his eyes find her. “Oh fuck.”
My chest heaves and rage coats my mouth. I reach for the door handle and Luca stops me, pressing the central locking system. “Enzo, she's got a baby with her.” I whirl around to watch as she carries on walking, the bottom half of her coming into view. Big dog on a lead attached to a Dior print stroller. My heart drops.
I sit there and watch as she walks, pushing this stroller like it's natural to her, I can't even blink. She stops again to put her phone back in a stupidly small bag. “Open the door,” I say in a hollow voice, Luca hesitantly clicks the button and I open my door. It can't be hers, it can't be mine. It can't be mine. She's heading my way with the baby facing towards her so I have no clue how old it is. Every step I take is making me more furious. If that is my baby and she's kept them from me, I don’t even know what I'll do.
My heart is pounding too loud to hear anything. Her eyes flick up and land on me. She stops in her tracks. Her face leeches of colour like she’s seen a ghost. She might as well have, I'm a shell of the man I used to be. She recedes a single step and I shake my head, stopping just in front of her with my hands fisting at my sides so I don't reach for her.
“Enzo.” She whispers, more to herself than me.
