AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Manhattan, New York City
It's funny how quickly you can fall back into routine. I've been without Casimira for just over eighteen months and yet from the moment I saw her, it was like it had only been a few days.
There's not a person on earth apart from my siblings that I've found that with but she always felt like home before. Like I was at my strongest with her. Like standing next to her was where I was meant to be. Everything about her feels right.
When it's me and her, it's natural. The most natural I've ever been. Only now it’s not just me and her, she has a kid.
Even saying those words sound strange to me. Before I always pictured her having my children. I didn't plan it or anything but when I would see her doing the most mundane things, pictures of our future would pop into my brain. She would always be happy, barefoot, pregnant and glowing.
He doesn't change anything for me. I don't look at him differently based on who his father is. If I judged people on who their parents were, I would be a hypocrite. Look at my dad. He's being raised by Casimira, that's who is instilling his moral compass and that's all that matters.
It's been a week since I saw her and she's not left my side. I need her with me. Every time I'm not with her it feels like I'll blink and she'll be gone again. I can’t lose her. Not again, I won't survive it. She's not the same as before but who would be after what she's been through? There's still a light in her eyes but it's dimmed. She doesn't laugh as freely, she's more reserved and her anxiety is a problem. She has panic attacks frequently. She tries to hide them but I know her and I see it.
I see the effect Aleksy’s death has had on her but mainly I see the effect her ex has had. I can't say his name. I try not to think of him at all because when I do, I find it hard to talk myself out of getting on a plane and ripping him apart. After she told me what happened, I spent hours planning what I would do to him, how I would tear him apart. I would do it slowly. I’d make it last months. As much as I would enjoy it, I won't do it. Not until Casimira tells me to. It's her revenge, her choice.
Even in her sleep, she doesn't look peaceful anymore. Like right now, she's curled into herself gripping the covers so hard her knuckles are white. Her brows are furrowed and the sight makes my chest tight.
I reach out to run my thumb over her brow but before I make contact she thrashes her arms out, her face twisting. “No, stop. Please!” She screams. It's so loud I'd be surprised if she didn't wake Ares in the guest bedroom next door.
She's thrashing from side to side, tangling herself in the covers. She cries for help again and again, begging whoever it is in her dream to stop. It makes me feel powerless. I'll fight anyone for her, I'll kill anyone for her but I can't kill her dreams. I can't kill her demons.
Her breathing becomes too fast and panic surges through me. What the fuck am I meant to do if she has a panic attack in her sleep? I try to rip the sheets away from her legs and arms untangling her but she's thrashing around too much.
“Don't leave me.” She screams. I’m sure my heart splinters at the suffering in her voice.
My bedroom door flies open and Luca stands there in just pyjama pants, gun in hand. Julis runs in just after him, jumps up on the bed and starts nuzzling at her like this is a common occurrence. Luca frowns as he starts to back away. “I heard the screams.”
I’m already on my feet flicking the light on. “It's a nightmare,” I tell him. He takes another look at her with an unreadable expression before leaving and shutting the door behind him.
I try to grab her arms, Julius allows it but she's kicking out so hard and I don't want to injure her. “Casimira?” I say my tone soft but authoritative. She keeps thrashing so I put my hands on her shoulders and she jumps, her eyes shooting open with a panicked look in them and she looks around the room. “Vita mia, you are safe. I won't let anyone hurt you again.”
Her face is wet with sweat and tears, her breathing heavy. She starts to calm down after a moment, pushing herself to sit up against the headboard and rubbing the heels of her hands into her eyes. Julius nuzzles into her side trying his best to comfort her.
“I'm sorry.” Her voice is rough from the cries and screams. I sit down next to her and pull her to me so she's tucked into my chest. “Don't ever apologise. Not you, you don't owe anyone an apology.” I don't want her to apologise to anyone, ever. The world owes her an apology. She doesn't owe a single fucking person anything.
She sighs. “I am sorry, I'm not the same person anymore. You didn't sign up for this.”
I pull her legs so she’s on my lap and she buries her head in the crook of my neck. “You are mine. It doesn't matter what happens, I'll always take care of you.”
She starts to cry against my chest, her chest shuddering. “I'm a burden.”
“You're the opposite of a burden. I've felt like I’ve been in the dark for the last eighteen months. With you next to me, I finally feel the light on me again.” She doesn't respond, she just clutches me tighter like if she doesn't, I'll disappear. But I won’t disappear again; nothing could take me away from her now, not even Satan himself.
I run my palm over her thigh, whilst my other hand strokes her hair from her face. “Tell me what you dream about.”
She pauses, swallows heavily before answering in a near whisper, “I see it happening.” My stomach tightens out of instinct and she continues. “I see him fall from the platform, except I'm the one who pushes him. He falls just as the train comes and I can't grab him, I can't help him. I can't save him.” Her voice cracks and she starts to sob more violently.
I press a kiss to her hair. “I know you don't believe it but you couldn't have changed it. You being in the same country as him wouldn't have been his deciding factor.”
“You can't know that for sure.” Her voice is hoarse. She's right, I can't. Maybe if there was more help available for people in his position it could have changed it and maybe Casimira being with him would have helped for a time but she can't cure depression. He needed help, professional help.
Julius whines and she rests a hand on his body. “It's not your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself.” I say sternly. She doesn't say anything more, just presses against me as I hold her.
She's going to see a shrink or a doctor or fucking somebody. I don't care what I need to do to get her there. I can't function knowing how much pain she's in. I want her to heal and that much trauma has a lasting effect. She needs to start sorting through it before it eats her up and she ends up in her brother's position.
The thought has occurred to me a few times and I try to bury it because I can't see a world where she doesn't exist. I won’t see it.
I don't go back to sleep that night. I just hold her as she sleeps, sandwiched between me and Julius who I'm starting to like more and more as the days go on. When she wakes up she has dark circles under her eyes. She looks almost guilty and she opens her mouth. I already know it's to apologise for last night. I stop her before she can. “I told you last night you don't need to apologise.”
