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I’m empty and I’m numb.
But not numb enough to block out the grief. To block out the loneliness and despair.
To…to block out what today means to me.
My hair is sloppily pulled into a ponytail, and I haven’t even bothered with makeup. For once, I don’t have the energy to give a damn how I look.
The polished hardwood floor is cool against my bare feet as I walk toward the front door.
I’m not the only one making the trek. Jasper’s jogged footfalls follow me. The puppy is always eager to make new friends.
I open the door, praying I can quickly get rid of whoever interrupted my scrubbing and steamy romance.
Emily is on the porch, arms filled with canvas shopping bags. Her bright smile is honey poured on an open wound.
“I had to go to Eugene today and bought something I’m dying to show you,” she says.
By some small miracle, my mouth tugs into a smile. A tiny smile that takes all my energy to maintain. I open the door wider and let her in. “Sure. I’m just cleaning the kitchen.”
She does the obligatory fussing of Jasper. He won’t let anyone into the house until they’ve done that. If a burglar ever breaks into the place, the only threat they have to worry about is an attention-seeking puppy jumping on them.
Em follows me into the kitchen. “Holy shit, Simone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this room look so sparkly. Heck. I don’t think my own kitchen has ever been this clean.”
“I figured since Lucas is away, I would clean the place.” The lie slips easily from my lips.
Emily gives me a double take. Lucas isn’t known for being a slob. His house is always clean. Tidy. But not in an OCD kind of way.
“So what did you want to show me?” I ask.
Her smile slides back into place, her excitement reflected in her eyes. She places her bags on the freshly polished granite counter. “I bought Kim’s baby shower gifts while I was in Eugene.”
An unexpected chill seizes my body. Of all…of all the days she could have picked to show me what she bought Kim, it would be on the anniversary of my daughter’s death.
But how would she know that?
How would Emily know how much this day hurts? How I’m struggling to just keep breathing? I haven’t told her or any of our friends about Lily. And I’m not planning to begin now. Lucas…he deserves to hear the truth from me first. I’ll tell him as soon as he returns from the mountains.
I use my waning energy to refasten the smile onto my face. It’s a little dimmer than usual, but I’m hoping Emily doesn’t notice. “The baby isn’t due for another four months. I know you’re organized, Em. But wow,” I finally say, hoping I don’t sound too shocked.
Her smile brightens. “I couldn’t resist it. Plus, it’s never too early to start planning the surprise baby shower.”
The soft laugh that erupts past my lips is genuine. “I take it you’ve already started organizing it.”
“Well, given the man of my dreams hasn’t exactly fallen in love with me, I have to live vicariously through other people. Like you and Kim. At the rate I’m going, this is the closest I’ll ever come to having a baby shower.” She busies herself searching through the bags, deluding herself if she thinks I can’t see the disappointment and frustration on her face.
I cover her hand with mine, as if that’s enough to solve her problem when it comes to her heart. “Give it time, Em. He’ll eventually open his eyes and realize what’s in front of him. Kellan’s your typical guy with sawdust for a brain when it comes to his heart.”
“Kellan?” She glances up, an incredulous expression rounding her mouth into an O. “I’m not talking about Kellan. I haven’t found the man of my dreams yet.”
Her words would be more convincing if I hadn’t witnessed the way she looks at him when she believes no one—including Kellan—notices. Her words would also hold more conviction if she wasn’t doing everything to avoid eye contact with me. As much as she wants to deny it, my friend has it bad for the youngest Carson brother.
“Besides, he’s my boss,” she adds. “Dating your boss is a no. Everyone knows that. And one wedding does not a flourishing bridal business make. Anyway, I found this and thought it was adorable.” She opens one of the bags and pulls out a cute floppy bunny. The kind of toy you would give a baby.
The same stuffed beige bunny I bought Lily as soon as I embraced my pregnancy.
A wave of dizziness hits me. I place my hand on the cool granite counter to steady myself.
Don’t let Emily know how much you’re hurting.
