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September has always been a favourite month of mine. The way life on the estate prepares for the autumn sun, the view over the meadow growing even more beautiful.
My dad was buried two weeks ago, and every day I come out here and look at the mound of soil, wondering if I’ll ever look at it and feel a shred of peace. I never felt the way I feel now about my mother because I simply never knew her. I felt something. The absence and unknown. But nothing like I feel when I stare down at this pile of dirt.
They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, and I’m truly so fucking lost right now.
“Good morning, Scarlet.”
I turn and smile softly at Frey trudging through the grass.
“Morning.”
“We’re packed up.” She wraps an arm around my back and clasps my left arm, holding me close as she looks down at the graves.“You sure you’re ready for us to leave?”
“Yeah.” I gaze at her, thankful to have her and Glen in my life. They’ve been here for a couple of weeks, and I have to admit, I don’t know where I’d be without them. “I need to find a new normal now.”
“I know.” She rubs my arm, standing silently at my side for a while. “We’re so proud of you.”
I turn and hug her, hoping she knows I mean what I say. “I’d still be in bed, completely broken, if you hadn’t been here.”
I pull back and smile, letting her know I’m okay.
“You’re stronger than you think, darling.”
She’s right. I am.
If the past three weeks have taught me anything, it’s that I am strong. Being strong has felt like the only thing I can do. It’s not a cure. It doesn’t take away the pain. But moving, eating, breathing—or giving a forced smile for the people who love me—it’s a mask that I’ve clung onto every day as I walked the floorboards of the house that took away so much from me.
“I’m going to be fine, Frey. I promise.”
She nods with a strained smile, tears filling her eyes. “I took a call just now inside, on the house phone.” She steadies her features. “It was the university. The course coordinator.”
My heart jolts, thumping.
“You’re going back?”
“I—I just thought I’d put in the forms.” Guilt eats at me. What must she think of me? “I filled them out months ago, lied about sending them in to Nina and last week, it just felt like something to take my mind off everything.”
“Scarlet.” Frey smiles, her eyes shining. “My goodness, girl. You have no idea how incredible you are.” She shakes her head, looking at me as she holds me at arm’s length. “You, my sweetgirl… you have to do this. I don’t know anyone who can pull themselves up like you can. To watch you hurt as you have and then be standing at the stove come breakfast each day, and now this—university. Tell us what you need to make it happen. Anything. We’re behind you one hundred per cent, every step of the way.”
“Thank you, Frey,” I tell her, feeling overcome with relief. “Thank you for being here.” I hug her tighter.
“No…” she soothes. “No, you don’t need to thank me. You make it easy to fulfil the promises I made her. I’m just sorry I ever had to make them.”
Lance
Lance:
Nothing. Not a damn word seems adequate enough to send to her.
I’ve tried calling, but she doesn’t answer, and it shouldn’t surprise me. She told me she needed time. Apparently, I’m not a patient man. I’ve given her over three weeks, and it feels like fucking forever.
She’s had Freya and Glen with her at the house, but I know from Elliot that they left a couple of days ago to go back to Rosestone, leaving her alone.
I’ve not had a wink of sleep since.
Mase: You free?
Lance: Can be
