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“I’m getting through them.” He flicks through the pages of her life as if he’s done it a million times before. “Nina reads them to me mostly. I find it easier for some reason.”
I swallow, nodding even though he isn’t looking. The nights I spent with Lance, my mother’s diaries spread out as we learnt her. Shared her life together.
My eyes swim with tears before he can find the entry.
“Here. This one.” He starts before I can stop him. “My darling boy.” He smiles, and I know this is it. So many things helped heal the man at my side, his wife and children being at the top of the list, but that smile, that’s because of our mum. “I’m not sure how good your father will be at giving the talk on love. I could put my trust in him to do it right and tell you to trust him… or I could tell you my experience, what I’ve learnt from it, and maybe if you ever need it, it will help you.
It’s not easy. It’s not always fair. You’ll want to run from it as much as you’ll crave it at times. You especially, Mason. I can already see the walls stacked around you. The fort you’ll build around your empire and heart.
By now, you know about my mother and father. When they cut me off, I told myself the safest possible route was to never let anyone close enough again. Life then put your dad in front of me and dared me not to love him. He was the first man to ever love me, and I stole his heart quickly. No matter how long it took me to give him mine, he never once asked for his back.
It took me too long.
I knew I loved your dad, but I fought it.
I think my biggest fear for you, Mason, is that you’ll be too busy building the walls back up around your heart to notice that the one person who loves you is trying to climb over.
I know it’s scary. I know you love me and will lose me and that will stay with you. But don’t let it make decisions for you. I have weeks left of my life. Weeks, Mason. If you ever fall in love and wonder if you should tell that person who’s holding your heart, if you can be brave enough to let them in, know that if I could go back, I’d have told your dad from that first moment, that first day, in an instant.
The idea I could’ve had more time hurts worse than the fear of what loving him means tomorrow.
Hindsight is a beautiful, wonderful thing, so take it. Take my life and my mistakes and promise me you’ll let them in. Let them love you like you deserve to be loved and love harder than the fear of anything else. It’s the only and best advice I can give you.
There are two loves I’ve done right.
Two hearts I allowed to catch me from the first beat whilst they lived within me.
Two loves I don’t regret or wish I’d done differently.
If I could love you and your sister from that first beat all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. No matter how much it’s going to hurt when I’m gone.
Don’t need this advice, darling, don’t read it ten times over. Take it from me and love. Be loved. Be happy and silly and free from fear.
Love. With your whole heart. Before it’s too late, and you regret it. There are no do-overs in this life.
Thank you for making it so easy to love you.
Forever, Mum.”
Mason stares down at the diary, his smile wide. “What a woman.”
A sob escapes my throat, tears breaking the dam and falling without restraint.
“Hey.” He pulls me to his chest. “It’s okay.”
It’s not.
I’m so selfish.
Mason stays with me on the terrace for as long as it takes for my tears to dry up, sharing with me some of his favourite entries Mum gave him.
When the rain comes, and I eventually get up and head into the house, I make my way to the kitchen.
Nina is at the kitchen island on her laptop. She’s wearing her dance clothes, which tells me she’ll be heading downstairs to her studio at some point this evening.
Without needing to say anything, I make a cup of tea and sit with her at the counter, staring at the huge bouquet of flowers in the middle of the table. “Those flowers are huge. They’re yours?” I ask.
She nods in my periphery, her eyes on the side of my face.
