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He watches me with tired eyes, so heavy, yet unwavering. I see the desperation in them, the fear even. He’s scared. I peer down at his hand, trying to ignore the way his thumb brushes down the centre of my palm.
His chest fills then drops, his entire body relaxing.
I quickly pull my hand away. “You need to get back in bed.”
He goes to reach for his crutch, but I grab it first, handing it to him. I wait as he wraps the towel around his hand, knowing I should do it for him, and then slowly follow him to his bed.
Once he’s back up on the bed he drops his head to the pillow, staring at the ceiling in what I can only call defeat.
I begin cleaning up his hand. “You did good. The nurses will likely keep trying, and I’m happy to tell Dr Bondry that you’re okay to get around yourself. Just don’t do too much too soon.”
He doesn’t reply to me, his body spent. I bin the towel and the few wipes I’ve used and then stand at the end of his bed, unsure what to say or do or even think as he seems to shrink away from the world into another place.
My palm tingles from the reminder of his touch, and I fist it, readying to leave. “Try to get some sleep tonight, okay.”
I turn and walk toward the door, pulling it open and slipping through, already knowing I won’t want to come back. It’s too hard.
I gently pull the door closed.
“Leave it.”
I pause, pushing inside an inch. “Sorry?”
“Can you leave the door open?” he mutters, barely a whisper. “I can’t…” I see his nostrils flare from across the room, and then he shifts in the bed, still staring at the ceiling. “I can’t hear your voice when it’s closed.”
I watch him, knowing he can feel my stare. Knowing I should leave.
I’ve seen so many of the people I love at their most vulnerable selves. My dad, Mason, Nina, and Charlie.
And yet nothing could have prepared me to see Lance Sullivan at his.
“Sure,” I tell him, backing away.
I leave the door wide open.
My eyes are heavy as I walk the meadow with Ave clung to my side. I finished work at eight o’clock this morning and came home and slept until one this afternoon. She’d never wake me, but I always set an alarm so that the day isn’t completely lost.
I need this time with her.
It’s worth more than any sleep I could ever get.
“Can we go? Please!”
“You want to?” I ask, smiling at her glee.
“Yes! We can get Uncle Mase and everyone to come.”
“I don’t know if they’ll all be able to. We’d have to see.”
“Please, please, I want to.”
We’ve holidayed at our lodges in Bora Bora for the last five years. It took me a while before I even wanted to go after having Ave, but once I was ready, I discovered the pure sentiment that comes with sharing the most precious parts of my childhood with her. “We’ll see, Ave.”
“I’ll do the dishes. And I’ll even clean your car.”
“Don’t do it, Scar. I’ve still got the scratches on the Porsche to prove what a terrible job she does.”
“Uncle Charlie!”
