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Why were we the lucky ones?
Without wanting to disappoint you, I can’t move on. Because even though you’re not here with me physically, there’s this pit deep down in my soul that’s so quiet in its certainty, I know it belongs to you.
It’s why I’m not afraid of your silence.
It might be small, but it’s all I have to hold on to right now. I’m not letting go.
Mason has been to the house nearly every week since I found out I was pregnant. He tried to have me go stay with him in the city, but I couldn’t leave the estate. It felt wrong. He’s trying. I can tell he wants to be better. I’m just not sure he’s ready.
I’m twenty weeks pregnant today. It’s why I wanted to write to you. I had a scan this morning, and I saw the baby’s hands and feet. Little pieces of us, Lance.
I’ve not let myself think too much about it. I know what I need to do to stay healthy, and I’m following everything I should be, but I wasn’t (still am not—maybe) ready to think about what’s to come.
You’ll be away for at least five years. Charlie thinks it’ll be more like eight. He feels helpless. I’m not sure he even knows what he can do to get you home sooner. I think it scared him. Seeing you in that courtroom, knowing what you were about to face.
The idea of doing this without you for five whole years is terrifying.
I’m going to have to learn how to parent alone. Go through firsts that belong to you. Change every nappy and wipe every tear.
I have no idea how to be a parent. I only had Freya growing up, and I have Nina to follow now. She’s incredible with Ellis. If I can do what she does, I think I’ll be okay.
Why do I know that you’d be a natural?
I’ve added a scan photo in the envelope. You can see the fingers and toes!
Congratulations, Daddy.
I’m sorry you can’t be here to experience this with me.
I love you.
Your sunshine, always. xx
Islip the small image from the envelope, holding it up in front of me. The sun’s streaming in through the bedroom window, the double doors to the terrace are thrown wide open, and from my seated position on the bed, I can hear the children in the fields beyond. Only faintly, but I can hear them.
The image is hard to make out, and I squint, turning it upside down, trying to figure out what’s fingers and what’s toes.
“When I was pregnant with Samuel, I had to ask the sonographer to point out exactly what I was looking at.” I lower the photo to find Nina in the doorway, her smile gentle. “You overdid it, didn’t you?”
“Apparently so.” I adjust in the bed, sitting up a little straighter. When I woke up this morning, Scarlet was awake and watching me. She quickly folded the blanket she’d covered herself with when I caught her, and then left.
Moments after, Waverley and Bear came like a tornado into the room, ready for their walk.
I climbed from the bed in agony. My leg throbbing and my torso tender even against my T-shirt. Scarlet reappeared with my tablets as quickly as she’d left.
“The kids are out on the lake today, so they won’t disturb you,” Nina tells me, coming to sit on the end of my bed. “Maybe make the most of it.”
“They go out on the lake?”
“Hmm. Scarlet and Mase take them on the weekends that Scar has off from the hospital. It’s kinda their thing. We all go sometimes, but we’re in need of a bigger boat,” she says with a chuckle. “With Elliot, Luce, and their family growing, and then when Megan visits, too, it’s a lot.” She looks me over. “Can I get you anything?”
I shake my head. “I’m fine. Just reading through these.” I hold up the letter I just read.
Nina nods toward the scan photo. “May I?”
I hand it to her, her smile widening as she peers down at the image. “Ah, I saw this one.” She shuffles closer. “This is the body. You can see the spine here. And then this is a hand, and that there is a foot. Can you see the toes?”
I take it back from her, looking more closely now, spotting everything she’s pointed out. “Holy shit,” I say as a smile forms.
