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We walk over to the meerkats’ enclosure and watch as they scuttle around and chase beetles. Gabriel leans against the fence, completely entranced. I love his childlike wonder at things; I love how passionate and playful he can be when he lets his guard down; I love that I’m the one who gets to see this side of him. My pinkie finger brushes his and he glances at me, a half-smile on his face.
‘Sorry,’ I murmur, pulling my hand away. ‘It was an accident.’
‘Uh-huh,’ he hums. ‘Sure.’
‘Oh!’ I dig my phone out of my pocket. ‘With the AVO, the police recommended I get a new number. I’ve just sent it to you in our chat.’
Gabriel pulls out his phone and adds my number to his contacts. We start walking to the next enclosure. ‘What’s the next steps after you get the AVO?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I reply honestly. ‘As frustrating as it sounds, I just have to wait and see if he’lldoanything. Against me or against others.’
Gabriel shoves his hands into his pockets as we walk. ‘I keep thinking about everything you must have gone through. It makes me angry.’
‘It makes me angry, too. I knew my childhood was different from other kids’—but I never knew how different.’
‘What made you decide to leave?’
We stop at the baboon enclosure. One hangs from a branch as it lazily picks at a tray of fruit. ‘I’d just turned eighteen. I was in my last year of school. When you turn eighteen, you know, it’s a big deal. People have parties. Dad was out—at the pub or with his mates—I don’t remember.’
Gabriel nudges up against me. It’s like he’s reminding me he’s here; that he’s someone sturdy, someone I can lean on when things get a bit too much. I realise I want to be that for him, too. Maybe I already am.
‘Mum had organised this gigantic party in the backyard,’ I continue. ‘It was cold. Bendigo in July isfreezing. We had this big fire in a drum, and we were playing music and drinking. My friends from school came around and Mum did her best to cater for all of us, but we ended up getting pizza delivered. It was great.’
‘And then it wasn’t?’ Gabriel guesses.
‘Dad came home around midnight. The party quietened down. People started going home. They knew what he was like, or they’d heard stories about him. Anyway, Dad was in one of his moods. He got angry at some kid, and then angry at Mum and me. I don’t even know what the fight was about until he picked up a knife and lunged at me.’
Gabriel stays silent, letting me continue.
‘Before that it had all been . . . well, he’d hit me. But this time—’ I feel my voice break. It’s been a while since I revisited these memories; I hadn’t even given the police this much detail. ‘This time, I know he meant toreallyhurt me. It wasn’t like the other times. My mum fought him, and he pushed her to the ground. I got the knife off him but fucked up my hand pretty badly. Somehow, Mum and I escaped. Mum took me to the hospital and they stitched me up.’ I show him the gnarly scar on my palm as evidence. ‘No one asked questions, but I knew they all knew. Then she took me to the train station, waited with me, and the train to Melbourne arrived at 4 am. That’s the last time I saw her. On the platform. Watching me leave on the train.’
I feel Gabriel’s hand rub comforting circles on my back and then we’re moving, or more precisely: he’s moving me. We find a bit of parkland and he makes me sit on the cool grass. I don’t realise I’m crying until his thumb wipes at my cheek.
‘I’m sorry,’ I blubber. ‘We’re not supposed to make a scene, and this is like the total opposite of that.’
I’d never put much stock in relying on anyone for anything, but here I am, hearing someone say they care about me and believing it; wanting to go to them for comfort, wanting to comfort them in return.
Gabriel smooths his hand down my arm and takes my hand in his, just holding it between us. ‘What happened to your mum?’
‘She promised she was going to leave as well, just as soon as I did. Take her car and drive north. We thought it made sense to split up. Disappear. It’s been almost three years, and she’s never contacted me.’
‘You don’t think she left?’
The other option is too hard to think about. ‘I don’t know. Sometimes I think about calling her—I still have her old phone number—but sometimes I think not knowing is better, you know?’
I know she didn’t abandon me—Mum wasn’t like that. I hope she really did disappear; she drove north and just kept going. But it’d be nice to talk to her, just once, just to tell her I’m okay.
‘You must miss her.’
‘She was the only one who ever believed in me.’ The only one who ever loved me. The only one who ever gave a shit about me. We were two sides of the same fucked-up coin.
I check the time, not wanting to be late for the koala meet-and-greet because of an inconvenient meltdown.
‘Hey, just chill,’ Gabriel says, covering my watch with his hand.
‘We’re not supposed to hold hands.’ I try to pull away, but he holds on tighter.
‘I told you, I don’t care.’
