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I’m such an idiot.
I should never have dragged her into this situation, and if something happens to her, I only have myself to blame. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, an ache I’ve never felt before sitting in the pit of my stomach.
I’m staring into nothingness when a nurse enters the room. She’s dressed in a pair of lilac scrubs, her blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. A small smile spreads across her mouth as she looks at me before going back to her task of checking the monitor hooked up to Alex and writing things on a flipchart. I follow her movements as she goes about her duties.
“I’m just checking her vitals, then we will take her for her scans. Everything is looking good so far,” she reassures me, continuing as if I’m making her uneasy. “With head injuries we always start with a CT scan to make sure everything is okay then we will take her for an x-ray.”
“Thank you,” I mumble, my focus going back to Alex.
She looks so delicate. None of her feistiness is there, and I’d give anything for her to open her eyes and bring me back to earth with her words.Fuck. I’d give anything to hear her say my name again.
“We’re ready to take her now. You can wait here. We shouldn’t be too long. I’ll give you this to keep safe.” The nurse looks at me expectantly, and when I hold out my hand, as I’m sure is expected, she drops Alex’s engagement ring into my hand.
Tears well in my eyes as I remember the conversation Alex and I had in the shower the other day. When I told her to never take my ring off of her finger again. I hadn’t given her a chance to say anything, and now I wish I’d told her exactly how I feel and why I don’t want her to take that ring off.
How do I feel?
Isn’t that the million dollar question? I didn’t say how I feel because I don’t have a fucking clue. Yes, I have feelings for her and want to claim her as mine, but I think that’s more of a caveman instinct than anything else. What am I supposed to do, bang on my chest, grunt and say ‘mine’ and hope that conveys how I feel?
No.
ThesefeelingsI’m feeling are just from the events of the day. Alex is a… friend, and because she’s been hurt, I’m naturally worried about her.
It’s nothing more.
It can’t be. I’m not capable of loving someone, and I’m sure not worthy of someone else’s love.
My mind is lost in a future I will never have when the door opens and Alex is wheeled back in. She’s still asleep and I run my hand over my jaw as I stand, the tension leaving my body now she’s back with me.
“Why isn’t she awake?” I ask, my focus moving from Alex to Dr. Turner.
“It is a concern that she’s not awake, but we will monitor her for the next twenty-four hours before we can determine if it's anything serious.” Dr. Turner looks down at the chart in her hand, then flicks through the monitor next to Alex’s bed.
“Her CT scan has come back normal, although she does have a broken arm, which we will need to put in plaster. I suspect she will have a concussion from hitting her head, so she will need some monitoring once she’s awake. I’ll send a nurse in to do her arm within the hour. There isn’t much more that you can do, aside from keeping her company.”
I don’t put much thought into it when I say, “I’d like to stay with her tonight, in case she wakes up. I don’t want her to be alone.”
“Of course, I’ll let the nurses know and they’ll bring you a pillow and blanket. Once her arm is plastered, we can move her to the room you requested.”
“Thank you.”
Dr. Turner finishes writing something on the chart before leaving the room. The sound of machines whirling is the only sound filling the silence. Pulling my chair closer to the bed, I pick up Alex’s hand. Her warmth seeps into me, reassuring me with just her touch.
Please let her be okay.
Even now, after the doctor has reassured me she has nothing but a broken arm and possible concussion, my concern isn’t eased. It won’t be until she’s awake and I can see and hear for myself that she’s okay.
I pull her ring from my pocket and slip it onto her finger. My lips touch her knuckle in the barest of kisses.
“Do you remember two days ago when I told you not to take this ring off? Well, I guess today would be an exception, but I like seeing it on your finger.”
My guard is down, knowing she probably can’t hear me, and even if she can, she won’t recall what I’m saying to her.
“I think we should go home. You can come and stay with me until you’re better.” I sit in silence for a moment before a burst of courage has me saying, “It was like the world stopped spinning and everything happened in slow motion when I saw you being thrown from that horse. When I finally reached you…” My voice breaks as I’m overcome with emotion. “It was like nothing was worth anything anymore if you weren’t going to be okay. Fuck, Alex, I’m pulling the plug on the plan.”
Seeing her lying in this bed, almost lifeless, tells me this is for the best.
It’s not worth it.
