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Patrick is half walking away to speak to Nick from finance when he calls, “I will speak to you later, Noah.”
Holding my hand out to him, I reply, “I’m actually heading out. I have an important meeting in the morning.”
He eyes me suspiciously, clearly not believing my lie, before he clasps my hand and gives it a firm shake.
“I will speak to you soon then.”
With that, he walks away, leaving me to my misery, watching longingly in the direction Savannah left in.
I need to make it right with her. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted nothing to do with me, especially after I all but demanded she be my girlfriend a week ago. My stomach feels heavy with the guilt of sending her so many mixed messages.
A quiet voice next to me cuts through my berating thoughts. “You should go after her. It’s clear she’s more to you than your friend’s little sister. I saw the way you looked at each other from across the room. The way your eyes have tracked her all night, even if you thought you were being subtle about it. When you love someone, you shouldn’t ever let them go.”
Regret coats Evie’s words, and I get a glimpse into the sorrow she’s carrying with her. “It’ll be the biggest regret of your life. And it’ll break your heart with every day that passes as you watch her crumble in front of you.”
Evie squeezes my forearm before walking away in the direction that Teddy left.
Was that a pep talk for her or for me?
But more importantly, do I love Savannah?
I know that I care deeply about her but is it love?
Despite having told Savannah that I needed to say goodbye to people, my feet carry me toward the exit. A desperate need to see my girl and right my wrongs spurring me on.
* * *
All of the lights are off when I enter the apartment. It feels cold and lonely. The whole ride home, my body felt cold as my thoughts spiraled, going over all the worst case scenarios. I listen for a moment, waiting for any sounds to tell me where she might be.
Please be here, angel.
Wishful thinking has me walking toward the main bedroom. A month ago, we brought new sheets and I had a new mattress delivered so that she felt comfortable sleeping in the room I used to share with Sutton. We’ve spent every night since wrapped around each other, alternating between sleeping and making love.
Even as my steps eat up the space, a weight settles in my stomach.She won’t be in there. She’s shutting me out. If she’s in the apartment, she’ll be as far from this room as she can get.In her old room.
The door to the main bedroom is open, the room shrouded in darkness, but I still see her. My body relaxes, surprise and hope burning through me at her being here. She’s hugging her legs to her chest as she sits in the chair by the window looking out over the city.
A sadness similar to the one I’ve carried with me since she left the party cloaks her. It’s like a darkness is seeping in, consuming her, where there should only be light.
Still a glimmer of hope at her being inourroom, ignites inside of me as I stand on the threshold, my eyes drinking her in. She’s changed into a pair of sweats and a slouchy sweater that hangs off one shoulder. Her face is free of makeup and her dark gingerbread blonde hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun. If it’s even possible, she looks even more beautiful than she did at the party.
She doesn’t turn to me when she speaks. Her voice is flat and void of any emotion. “You didn’t have to leave early. I’m just going to bed.”
My mouth goes dry and my pulse kicks up another notch at the invisible walls she’s built around herself. “I wanted to be with you, angel. Can we talk about this?”
I don’t miss the flinch at the use of her nickname. A desperation to make this better fuels me and I cross the room in a hurried stride, dropping to my knees in front of her. My hands rub the smooth skin of her thighs, seeking comfort from her. Anything to tell me that I haven’t fucked everything up over a handful of misspoken words.
Her voice is quiet and lost when she says, “I think it’s probably a good thing that I’m going out of town on Sunday. We both need some space to figure out what exactly it is we want. What happened tonight hurt me, Noah.”
Guilt consumes me and I drop my chin to my chest, unable to look at her. “Christ, I know, angel. I’m so sorry. I’ve…” I swallow thickly, lifting my eyes to hers as I silently beg her to understand. “I’ve really been struggling with guilt at betraying Jack. I never wanted to hurt you. It was the last thing on my mind. I panicked and the words that I’ve said a million times to describe you just came out.”
She stands abruptly, forcing me to back up.
Pacing at the end of the bed, she turns to face me. “I don’t want to say anything that I might regret, Noah. But you need to hear this. It should never have been a promise that you made. And it certainly shouldn’t have a hold over you like it does. I’m not a kid anymore and neither are you. We’re two consenting adults who have feelings for each other.”
I walk toward her, cupping her face. She has to understand. I need her to see what a big deal this is.
Looking into her eyes, I beg, “I hear you. But I’m afraid. He’s seen so much of me and he’s stood by my side through it all. It almost feels like I’m chucking it all in his face while stabbing him in the back. You have to understand, it’s the longest friendship I’ve ever had, Van. I’m afraid to lose him. I don’t want to lose you either. And I’m very aware of the fact that I can’t have it all.”
