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Or maybe I’m just projecting.
The second I sat on that bus and watched as it pulled away, I knew I wanted to come back to him. It was like I was leaving a piece of my heart behind and I haven’t been whole since I left. I’m desperately confused. He told me a week before the holiday party that I was his girlfriend, then he introduces me as Jack’s sister. This is just like him. Always hot and then cold. He’s been like this the entire time I’ve known him. The promise he made to Jack can’t be something he allows to come between us. I need him to be all in.
Who am I kidding? It already has come between us.
I resent Jack for making him promise that.
My eyes burn with unshed tears as my heart aches with a longing that might never be fulfilled. I don’t know what I’m gonna do if he wants to keep us a secret, something to only be celebrated behind closed doors.
He’s the love of my life, my soulmate, and I’ll be a broken shell drifting through the world if I have to walk away for good.
I wish I’d never asked for the space, because I can’t even take a guess as to what he might be thinking. At least if I was home with him, we could have talked.
Right, because that’s worked so well for us in the past.
Since I left, there have been a couple of times on the phone that he’s gone to say something. Hope has bloomed in my chest, only to be crushed by his muttered ‘it doesn’t matter’ as he shuts down on me.
I don’t like how it feels as if he’s pulling away. Especially when I’m not there to keep him from spiraling into a pit of self hatred. But I also can’t blame him, because I did the exact same thing after the holiday party.
All of this just brings me back to one thing: I miss him so much.
This workshop has been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. There have been many days when I’ve wanted to up and quit, exhausted from months of working myself to the bone and unable to feel any excitement for the show. But I’ve pushed through, knowing that this could be make or break for my career and the time apart is what we need. Even if it’s not what I want.
Roise, my roommate, interrupts my heavy thoughts. “Come on, Van, we’re going to be late.”
Rosie is a unique character. She’s quirky in a way that only comes from someone who’s been in the business for years. Where I’m short with curves in most of the right places, she’s tall and lithe. When I first met her, she seemed stuck up, but she’s really relaxed these past four weeks. But that might have been more to do with the fact that she was getting tired of listening to me jabberin’ on.
Glancing at my phone, I leap from my chair, realizing we have less than fifteen minutes to get to rehearsal. Rosie lets the door swing shut behind her as I swipe up my bag and grab my jacket from the back of my chair. Patting my pockets for my room key, I race after her when my hand lands on it in my back pocket.
Gabriel, our choreographer, hates it when we’re late. The other week he made us all practice pirouettes ten times over until we could barely stand still. All because one person was late. I jog after Rosie as she heads in the direction of the elevator, not putting it past her to leave without me.
The hotel the production company put us up in is nice. There’s nothing fancy about it, but it has everything you could possibly need within a short distance or down in the lobby. It’s certainly better than the one I was staying at all those months ago when Noah…
Every thought seems to lead me back to him.
I can’t keep carrying on like this.
Shaking my head, I turn to Rosie, needing a distraction as we step into the elevator. “Do you think Gabriel will be in a better mood today?”
She pops an eyebrow at me. “Honey, the moon would fall from the sky before Gabriel’s mood improves.”
Chuckling, I reply, “Ain’t that the truth.”
I lean against the wall, my mind going back to Noah as I wonder what he’s up to.Probably working.
He’s thrown himself into his work again, and I’m really worried about him. I’ve seen how gaunt he’s looks on the rare occasions we’ve video chatted. Teddy’s been providing me updates, but I just know that he’s not giving me the full picture. I should call Jack and ask him to check in with him.
No, I can’t do that. He might ask questions I can’t answer.
Maybe I can go home in a couple of weeks. I can see for myself if he’s taking care of himself. No, that won’t work. I don’t have time for a trip. Maybe I should stop worrying about him and trust that he’s an adult who knows how to look after himself.
I follow Rosie out of the elevator and through the lobby of the hotel, determined to stop thinking about Noah Parker. At least for five minutes.
THIRTY-NINE
Noah
It’s been the most hellish three months of my life. I haven’t been eating or sleeping properly. My mind won’t focus on work, and I’ve dropped the ball on so many things that I wouldn’t be surprised if Teddy and Jack got together and ousted me.
