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“I think I had something to prove to myself. Even though I was scared deep down, on the outside I wanted everyone to know I was fearless.”
“You are fearless,” I promise. “The strongest person I know. And I know a few people who got through SEARS training without even breaking a sweat.”
She clicks her tongue in annoyance, and though she’s looking forward again, I know she’s rolling her eyes. “Shut up. I’m telling you a story.”
I chuckle. “Sorry. Continue.”
Saoirse flips around so she’s straddling my lap. “I heard this scrappy meowing coming from an alleyway. I knew I shouldn’t go down there. All the ‘don’t get in a van with a stranger asking for help finding his puppy’ warnings, you know? But I had Hugh.”
She shrugs, her lips brushing against a brow. “Scrappy little guy. He was wet and skinny and so tiny. He was hissing at me, trying to claw my face out and all I wanted was to get him warm.”
“Makes sense,” I say. “That cat literally bites Finn as he feeds him.”
She grins. “Yeah. Well, I had him for a week. I was going to keep him. But then, Haley said you needed someone, or something. So I gave him to you.”
I run my finger along her neck, tracing a line down her back. “What had you named him?”
“Nothing. He was just ‘little guy.’ I think I was scared to get attached to him. You know Mom never let me have a dog because I sobbed every day for a solid year when my gerbil escaped.”
I snort. “Yeah. You tend to get attached to your playthings.”
She smirks, rolling her hips against me. The heat of her center brushes right up to my core. “I’m being serious right now, Jameson. Frog is out there alone and scared. And it breaks my heart. It’s my fault he’s—“
”—None of this is your fault. I never want to hear you say that again. Do you hear me?“ I cut her off before she can finish her sentence.
She shakes her head. “It is. All the games I played. I was foolish to lead you on. To start the arrangement with Corbin. It was selfish of me. You risked your life to save me. Meanwhile, I never would have been on their radar if I’d just gone about my life.”
I shake my head. “No. Anton still would have wanted power in Boston. He’d still have forced Vlad to marry you. Even without your alliance to Corbin, it was in motion before they were even aware. And you really want to play the ‘what if’ game?”
She sighs, already knowing I’m about to shut her down. I wrap my index finger in a short lock of red hair that’s fallen in front of her face. “I should have never let you go to Seattle, should have admitted what you meant to me, and should have held onto you and never fucking let you go.”
I grab her hand, joining our fresh scars. “It doesn’t fucking matter how we got here. We’re here, and that’s the only thing that matters. So enough of the ‘what ifs’, of pretending we can play God and control the outcome.”
Her fingers braid with mine, and I tug them to my chest, right over my heart.
“I belong to you, Saoirse. You belong to me. No more regrets.”
She nods, chewing on her bottom lip. “No more regrets.”
“Good. Now, we need to talk about this.” I run my free hand through her hair. “Why you cut off your hair. Tell me what happened while you were stolen from me.”
She shakes her head, daring to look away. But I grab her by the chin, forcing her to look at me. “How can I help you heal, if you won’t speak about it?”
“I don’t want to remember it. Never want to go through it again. Don’t make me.”
“I know you told Haley the answer was no, but I’m asking you again. No secrets. Saoirse. Were you violated? Raped? Tortured?”
She scoffs, shaking her head. “I already said no! Just leave it be.”
I sigh, releasing my grip on her so she can stand. She paces the length of the boat, chewing on her nails. She’s never been a nail biter. It’s a new habit that developed this past week. She does it when she curls into herself, remembering the twelve hours she was away from me.
I want to share the burden, but I can’t force her either. It leaves me wondering how I can help, and feeling hopeless when I come up short for an answer.
“He didn’t rape me. No one did. At least not while I was awake. I was drugged.”
I nod, not wanting to speak and ruin what she’s willing to tell me.
“I woke up on a bed chained, but I was clothed. I didn’t have time to take in how I felt in that moment. I was just worried about how I was getting out. Now, when I recall it, I can’t be sure. If it happened, or not. That’s driving me crazy.”
