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Veronica shoots up, eyes wide with excitement. “Shut up. We should totally get you an online profile.”
“No,” I say.
“Come on, Sam. It’ll be fun. You’ve got the next two weeks of no kids. This is a perfect way to dip your toe back into the dating pool.”
I shake my head. There’s no use in putting up too much of a fight. She’s going to just do it. Besides, she’s not wrong. It is a good way to get a feel for the type of men out there these days without feeling like I need to commit. What’s a few text messages back and forth?
She climbs out of her fleece cocoon and hurries toward me to swipe my phone. I don’t stop her, not even when she unlocks it with my Face ID.
“Looking for twenty-three through thirty-four,” Veronica murmurs, typing away at the screen as she heads back to her makeshift dome.
“I’m not trying to date a child,” I murmur.
“It’s for stamina. You’re approaching your peak sexual drive age. You need a younger man to keep up with you.”
I make a gagging sound.
“Favorite hobby . . .” Her voice drifts off. “Gardening . . . When I’m not at work, you can find me—”
“Attempting to read in peace but unable to because my roommate doesn’t shut the fuck up.”
“—relaxing by the pool with a frozen drink in hand.” She blatantly ignores me, continuing to type aloud as she sets up a dating profile for me.
It doesn’t take long for her to finish, then she gets to swiping. “No, no, no . . . ew, fuck no!”
At this point, I’ve abandoned all hope of finishing up the book I’m reading. She’s too distracting. “All right,” I say. “You’ve had your fun. Give me back my phone!”
She sighs but doesn’t put up a fight when I come over to take it back. I let out a yawn. “I’m headed to bed.”
Veronica snorts. “Don’t lie. You’re going to message all the dudes I just matched you with.”
“I don’t think you realize how annoying you are.”
“I definitely do. It’s just that I don’t care.”
I roll my eyes, leaving her be while I head up for bed. It’s not until I’m comfortable beneath the covers with freshly brushed teeth that my phone goes off with the notification for the dating app.
FlyGuy25:You should let me take you on a date, then bring you home for some amazing sex. You’ll look in my nightstand where you won’t find any condoms, just an engagement ring, and I’ll come deep inside you then marry you the next day.
What in the hell?I swipe to the next message.
JerryTheBerry:Hey there!
Oh, a somewhat normal one. I tap out my response.
SamCat:Hi. How are you?
JerryTheBerry:I’m good. Just about to jerk off.
Disgusting.
Twanky:Hey SamCat. Do u give good head? That’s 1 of the reqs to get me to invite u over.
SamCat:No. I use all teeth and have a horrible gag reflex.
Twanky:Gross byyyeee.
This is an utter waste of my time. I sigh, tossing my phone onto the nightstand. I’d have better luck on the street with a sign that says “Freshly in the dating world again.” It’s not a surprise Veronica hasn’t found someone online. These apps are filled with gross weirdos.
