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“How you doing?” she asked, yawning, wanting to go straight to bed, but knowing Emma would want to talk.
“How’s grand… your dad?” she asked. Her innocence made Hannah’s heart ache.
“He’s sick, but hopefully they will make him comfortable.”
The doctors said he hadn’t gotten the treatment he needed. That he’d ignored the symptoms and carried on as usual. The heavy drinking hadn’t helped. He might have weeks, but most likely days. Now, Hannah had to figure out if she should allow Emma to meet her grandfather when he was in such a state.
“Will I get to say goodbye?” Emma asked, as if reading her mind.
Hannah wished she could talk privately with Maggie. She’d know the right answer.
“He’s very frail, hooked up to a lot of machines, and a bit confused.” She took in a deep breath. “But if you want to meet him, and say goodbye…”
“I do,” Emma said, right away.
“Then, I can take you to see him after school.”
“No, mom! I can’t do school knowing I’m going to visit him.” She shook her head. “Please, can’t I go in the morning? What if he doesn’t make it?”
Hannah already wished she hadn’t agreed. What if he got angry, like always? She didn’t want Emma to carry around the same kind of memories she did.
“Please.”
“We’ll go in the morning.” She saw Maggie smile.
Emma stretched over to Hannah’s side of the couch and gave her a hug. “Love you, Mama.”
“I love you too, Goose.”
She walked Emma back to the apartment and kissed her goodnight. Although she scrolled through her phone on her bed, Hannah didn’t have the heart to remind her about the rules.
“Do you think he’ll be able to talk?” Emma asked.
Hannah wasn’t sure what to expect. “He’s on a lot of medication.”
Hannah could feel the emotions building up again; pain, sadness, regret, and an overwhelming feeling of misplaced love. And threaded through it, her guilt at how she had treated Jake. She wanted to apologize to him. He was about to lose his home, and he still dropped everything to come to her aid. Why had she snapped at him? She just couldn’t help the anxiety that overwhelmed her when things seemed too good to be true. She was afraid to yield to the help that was so generously offered, for fear of falling apart if it was suddenly taken away. She’d had to rely so heavily on herself that she didn’t know if she’d ever learn to graciously accept help from others. If only she could do something for him, something meaningful so that she wouldn’t have to feel so vulnerable.
Chapter 18
Hannah hadn’t heard the term palliative care before, and she’d never been around anyone who was dying. Troy’s death had been her first experience, and even now it didn’t seem completely real. She’d never seen Troy’s body, and sometimes she forgot he was dead. He hadn’t really been around before, so his death didn’t change much.
Except that she didn’t have to hide her money.
She knew he had broken into her apartment looking for it, though he never found her stashes. She also knew he’d mooched from Emma once, and she’d put her foot down. Emphatically.
After breakfast, Maggie offered to drive. “You should have someone there for moral support.”
Emma asked lots of questions.
“How long does he have? What kind of cancer?”
She hardly knew the answers. The doctors had talked about all these things, but she hadn’t really listened. It was just so hard to focus.
The nurse led them down the hall. Hannah kept her eye on Emma. As they passed each room, Emma peeked inside. The beeping and buzzing noises from all the machines seemed to make her nervous, but she didn’t hesitate when the nurse stopped outside the door.
“Emma, let me go in first,” Hannah said. She didn’t know what kind of mood he would be in.
“Okay.”
