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What happened?“I fucked up and ruined everything.” Tears pricked my eyes because that reality was not one I wanted to live in.
“What do you mean you ruined everything?”
“Madd left.” My throat got tight and pressure built in my chest.
“For the night, right? Just for one night?”
I took a long drag and rubbed my temples. “I don’t know, Nate. He said he needed to go before he said something he’d regret. But why couldn’t he just lock me out of the bedroom and stay here? Why’d he actually have to leave?”
“Because you wouldn’t have stopped if he stayed. He needed the distance, Dev. Just for one night.”
“Why would he even come back? I’m such a fuckup and he deserves better than me!” Ah, shit. That truth hit hard.
“Yeah, but he wants you, though. So stop being a mess and tell me what the real problem is.”
“Me! I’m the real problem!” I lost my shit. “I fucked everything up by working too much, ignoring Madd, and leaving him here to wait for me all the time. I fucking neglected him, Nate. How?” That was the big question. How had I even managed that? He was on my mind all the time, but had I put him off so much that I’d reverted to fantasizing about him rather than living with him in reality?
“Why’d you do it then?” Nate asked, being the level-headed one.
“For money! So that I didn’t turn into Dad! So I could do something to make Maddox proud. I just wanted to earn enough to give him everything he ever wanted.”
“All he wants is you, Dev.” Nate laid it out there, plain and simple. “You can’t work your way to financial security just so you don’t become Dad. It doesn’t work like that. You’ve got a life, a boyfriend, a love that none of the rest of us have, and that shit has to come first. What’s money matter if you lose all that?”
I sighed, knowing he was right. “I know, but I never wanted to become like Dad. I don’t want to leech off anyone or need to be saved all the time. I want this business to work so badly because I don’t want Maddox to ever feel like he needs to save me again. I don’t want him to just take care of me. Like fuck, Nate. He saved my life more than once, and I was just trying to make this work so that he felt… taken care of.Iwanna take care ofhimfor once.”
And in the fucking process, I neglected him.So smart, Devon.
“Dad’s a loser, Devon, but you aren’t him. If you don’t get out of that mind space, you’re never going to let it go. You can’t spend all your time trying not to become him because you’re forgetting to actually become someone for yourself. Hard truth, man. Ever since we got that shop, you’ve turned into a douche that doesn’t do anything but work.”
That hurt. “I know. I just wanted to take care of him.”
“He’s taken care of, Dev. He wants you to love him.”
“I do love him! Fuck, I love him.” I sucked my smoke down to the filter and tossed it. “I just wanted to get through this first year of business, set ourselves up for success, and make it so that Madd never had to worry about us again. That we’d always be solid and decent with cash.”
“We are. We’re successful, man. We did it. We’re through the first year, and we’re not just breaking even anymore, we’re profiting. So stop putting all your hopes into the shop. Stop with this noble act of trying to take care of him. He knows it. But relationships like yours work both ways. You take care of each other, and right now, you might be making bank, but you’re failing him.” Nate looked at me with honest eyes. “Maddox is right fucking in front of you. Are you gonna fight for him?”
“I don’t deserve him.”
“You deserved for him to walk out on you tonight,” Nate said, without pity. “Keep that attitude and he’ll kill you.”
“He sits around here all the time waiting for me, Nate. I… I’ve been treating him like shit without even meaning to. He deserves better, and I deserve for him to leave me.”
“Jesus fuck, Devon.” Nate groaned in frustration. “Get your head out of your ass. He fucking loves you. Whether you think you deserve it or not, he wants you. So fuck off with this self-destructive bullshit, and go get him back.”
A new stream of tears dripped down my cheeks. “He told me not to come after him.” I wiped my face and lit a new smoke. “He…”
“He needs to calm down,” Nate filled in for me. “Which is smart. It’s better than you two saying shit you don’t mean just because you’re both hurting. Give him tonight and then stop fucking around. Let me ask you something.” Nate looked me straight in the eyes. “If we fail at owning the shop, what’s the worst that could happen?”
I shrugged.
“We’d break it down, sell the pieces, sell the building, and move on. We’d start over with something else.” He grabbed my cheeks and got in my face. “But if your relationship with Madd fails? You can’t sell a broken heart and start over, Devon. He’s in your heart for life, so put him first.”
I let Nate’s words sink in. Businesses and jobs could come and go. It wasn’t like I was unaccustomed to living in poverty, so when I got a taste of security, I went overboard to try to provide for my new family. Yeah, owning our shop had been a dream of mine, but now that dream was getting in the way of the only thing that mattered. Maddox fucking Kane. If I lost him, I’d lose myself.
Nate was right. I couldn’t rebuild a broken heart, and I sure as shit couldn’t sell it. I had a chance to make this better, to do better, to get my boyfriend back, and that’s exactly what I was going to do.
7
