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“The only reason that worked for so long was because you two were doing it for each other. Neither of you wanted to end things because it meant you’d have to stop hooking up together consistently. It was an easy way for you two idiots to be around each other sexually.” He looked at me. “Yeah, I remember your sliding scale gay confession.”
If I had the skin tone to blush, I would have.
“I’m just saying, if you firmly believe you’re not into Nate, go hook up with someone. By yourself.”
Ew. No. Weird now. I must’ve grimaced.
“Exactly. You want him.”
“No. No, I can’t want him! It can’t happen.”
“Why not?”
“Because our brothers are married.” There. Boom. Big reason.
“Yeah, because marriage somehow makes it incest, right? Good try.”
Fuck him for being level-headed. The main reason was because… he was straight. Wasn’t he? Wasn’t I? No. Wait. The biggest reason was because he was the only person in my life I never wanted to lose.Sex screwed things up more often than not, and I wasn’t willing to mess up anything with Nate.
“Keep going. Lay all your excuses on me.” He waved his hand as a signal for me to start prattling shit off.
Okay. “I’m straight.”
“Hetero.”
“Yeah, that.”
“Debatable. What else?”
“He’s hetero. He wanted Kaylee. Then he wanted Andrea. He wants all these chicks we find to hook up with.”
Maddox grinned like he knew something. “You know why he’s into them. Admit it. You know he’s doing it for you, right?”
“I don’t need his help to get laid!” I shouted.
“No. Not for that.For you. Like… to bewith you. To be there.” Maddox looked at me. “And even if you won’t admit it, you’re doing it for the same reason. It’s why you guys keep fucking it all up lately.”
I huffed out a deep breath and broke the arm off the chair with my flailing. Gnat got up, so I threw the arm of the chair for him instead of the stick. “I fucking hate you like this. All calm and noble. What happened to you being angry all the time?”
“Hate sex and a husband to take it out on,” he deadpanned.
“So, what? I’m where you were? I’m just supposed to trip and see if my dick lands up his ass?”
Maddox laughed. “Fuck no. You aren’t me. You and Nate don’t hate each other like we did, and you actually know how to talk without fighting. So, go do that. With him. Not me.”
“I can’t! What the hell would I even say? Like, ‘hey, bud, turns out I might sorta want you but I have no idea what that means. Hope our friendship survives. You in?’ No. I can’t say that shit. There’s too much to risk.”
“Sorry ‘bout your luck, Xav. But you’re hooked on a Sawyer. Fucking sucks. But welcome to the club.” Maddox grinned at me.
Well, he got married to his Sawyer, so it didn’t suck too bad. When Gnat came back, shaking off and soaking my shirt, I threw the chair arm right at Maddox and didn’t even hang around to help him up when Gnat mauled him.
I had thoughts to lubricate and lure out of my head.
* * *
A few days later,I stared at two different bottles of rum. One was half the price and bigger than the other, but my head already ached at the type of hangover it’d give me. The other would require me to pull three whole bills from my wallet, and my echoey bill flap didn’t like the sounds of that. Which thinking juice would get the job done?
I fucking sucked at decisions.
