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For me, changing the oil on this family heirloom is a way of honoring him, which I did this morning. I glance at my hands on the wheel and see that maybe I ought to have done a bit more to clean up. I shrug. Not like I’m planning to run into anyone today. That’s the whole idea.
I turn on the radio, find a non-satellite station and crank up the volume as I take a left onto a narrow, barely-populated road.
I love my family. I love living with everyone at North Starr Ranch. Adam and his wife Kit. Deacon and his wife Lissy. Plus, Willow, my niece. And James, my nephew. Then there's Boone, my little sister and Midge who wrangles the household and the rest of us.
Dinner time is a raucous affair with lots of laughter and good food. Then most nights we sit on the porch and chat. It's like Andy Griffith and Aunt Bea. Sometimes I play my guitar, just like Andy, though I’d like to think my taste in music is a bit more modern.
I'm beyond blessed and I know that. Despite the loss of my parents and youngest brother Eddie, the Starr family is prosperous, respected and thriving.
Not that it's been a picnic since the night when they died unexpectedly. But, over the course of seven years, we've all adapted, recovered, and moved forward.
It's what our parents would have wanted.
So why do I need to go on a solo drive in a thirty-year-old pickup truck with questionable air conditioning and sketchy radio reception?
I sigh and shift into fourth gear.
Okay, out here in the middle of nowhere, I can admit it to myself.
I feel lonely. Left out.
My brothers are married. One of them has a daughter and is in the process of adopting a son. Boone's not dating anyone, but Adam's wife, Kit, is her best friend and they're running The Love Knot, a wedding venue, together. The two of them have inside jokes and an enviable depth of camaraderie.
Lissy's got Hope House and her friends Heather and Amy. Nice girls, but no spark for me with either of them. Probably just as well, since they don't seem to have any shortage of men showing interest. I watch out for them in a protective way. More like sisters than friends.
Even with all those people and the activity at the ranch, there's just something missing for me.
Not that I don't love all of them and vice versa, but I'm not anyone's number one person. And there's no one to be my number one person.
Believe me, I've looked.
I had been dating a nice girl named Ellie and things were going well, but one day when I showed up in Dad's old truck instead of my state-of-the-art Ram, she'd looked horrified and scolded me for going around in such a piece of shit.
Even after I explained the significance of the truck, she said, "Well, I don't want to be seen in that thing."
At that point, I decided I didn't want to be seen with her in any vehicle. Any location. Anywhere.
Why is it so hard to find someone to love me for me?
* * *
ALEX
It's my third day in the cabin Nicco found for me. Once I got inside, checked the closets and under the bed, pulled back the shower curtain and looked behind the couch, I locked the doors and moved a chair under each knob.
But otherwise, I'm really relaxing.
I didn't sleep much the first night, but in the morning I watched the sun come up from my bedroom window which also let in a lovely morning breeze. Finally I felt the exhaustion of the last few months catch up and take over. Sleep, beautiful sleep.
I woke up around four in the afternoon and felt more human than I have since...well, in much too long.
I've got my stuff settled into the cabin. Nicco had arranged for someone to fill the fridge and pantry before my arrival. Fresh fruit, whole grain bread, yogurt, lean fish and vegetables. My usual diet while on tour.
And then I found the mother load. Ice cream, frozen waffles, Pop-Tarts, and a bag of Cheetos the size of a bed pillow.
I gorged on the junk food that night and stayed up late watching old movies on DVD. This place is remote. I picked up my phone to Google how to use a DVD player because I'd forgotten, but then remembered the flip phone courtesy of Nicco and had to figure the DVD player out on my own. Yeah. I'm a real pioneer. But I got it working and watchedNever Been Kissedwith particular pleasure. From the collection, it appears that the owner of this cabin had a real thing for 1990s rom coms.
The first night I watchedYou’ve Got Mail,Sleepless in SeattleandPretty Woman. Then I fell asleep on the couch and woke up with Cheetos stuck in my hair.
