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"Mmm," vibrations rumble through my stretched throat. Another crack in my neck has me releasing a sigh at the release. Pairing my early morning stretch with the first rays of sunshine kissing my skin, I feel at peace.
I curled out of bed not long ago. Somehow, I managed not to wake the snoring hulk next to me. Guilt twists my aching stomach; he must have stayed with me all night. Warm cheese and wilted fruit on my makeup vanity told me enough; he didn't even leave my bed to eat something. Someone brought my wheelchair upstairs, and while trying to shimmy my way into it, I woke up a sleepy Amiri sleeping by the door. He was silent when he scooped me up with a whispered, "What do you need?"
Scanning the backyard, I enjoy the gentle breeze that plays with my hair. I take in the soft cushion beneath my casted leg while the left one swings back and forth off the edge of the chair. I enjoy the freedom of this simple moment. I want to stay like this forever. Twinkling chirps of swooping birds, the steady thumping of my heart beating, the separation of my ankles...I want to stay in my quiet space of freedom forever. Even if one of my legs is trapped in a cast.
I am beyond happy at being home and with my family again, but I just need myself now. I died. Twice. Me. I know they suffered through it as well, and I would never minimize what they went through. I need to figure out how to process it, though. And that means getting out of bed when I can't sleep and watching the sunrise on a new day. Alone.
"I miss you, Momma." The breeze carries my whisper away. I hold on to hope that she can hear me. "How am I supposed to do this? I don't know where to begin." I close my eyes for a blink but decide that watching the world come to life around me was the whole reason I came out here.
I need to feel beauty.
"Was it really you, Mom?" I haven't been able to stop thinking about my dreams during, well, everything.
I flatlined twice...was I really with my mom during those minutes of death?
Never have I been so lucid when I disassociate...were those memories and moments with my mom what everyone talks about? During death, memories of the life you lived flash through your mind.
Niggling in the back of my brain jump-starts my thought process a bit faster. A shitty side effect from the coma, drugs, and bleeding is bound to make me a bit sluggish.
The replay of my date with the guys runs on replay in my mind, but not the real parts. No, everything took a turn when Mom arrived in the parking lot. She was frantic, pleading with me to listen to her.
“I need you to listen to me, Evie!" She takes a step forward just as a chill runs through my body. I take a step back, uncertainty rattling through my bones. "Eve, no!" She yells just as I slip my hand from Amiri's loose grasp.
The effect is immediate; my body loses all palpability at the same time, ice shoots through my veins, and my eyes roll back into my head.
My last thought before the memory shuts down is how nice it was to hear her voice, even if it wasn't real.
Was she warning me not to let go of Amiri? Was he my final lifeline I was holding on to?
I shiver, remembering the fantom chills of the pit of darkness. When I let go of Mir, did I die? Pressure behind my eyes has me furiously blinking away the moisture building. No more crying right now. I have to keep thinking...I need to make sense of this.
The last time I saw her, the guys weren't there; it wasn't a memory. It was something else altogether. I wanted to stay with her so bad I could still feel the stabbing pain in my heart and the pull on my soul that still reaches out to her.
"Momma, no, please. I want to stay with you!" I held on to her for dear life.
"And they need you to stay with them. It's not your time yet, Evie. You have so much life to live that's not filled with darkness. I'm so so so sorry for not finding you. But I am so fucking proud of you, Evelyn Faye Miller. You saved yourself, and you will not lose hope this time either. Those men out there, they haven't given up on you, so please, baby. Please, don't give up on yourself." She cried and held me back just as firmly.
"What's happening?" My tummy flutters, and my muscles spasm, remembering the pain and brutality that felt like it was ripping my body apart.
"You're waking up." Momma smiled through her own sorrow and heartbreak. "Evelyn, I love you so much. You can do this."
My throat burns, the screams and cries I let loose are still fresh in my body.
Her dainty hands gripped my cheeks while she looked deep into my eyes. "I love you. It's time to wake up now, little one. Live."
I begged her not to leave me. I whimpered from the pain of my body being ripped apart and put back together. I told her how much I loved her, right as everything began to fade.
"I will always be with you..."
I refuse to believe the warm weight on my shoulder is just my imagination. Even if my mind was just making shit up as I died on that table and in the hospital bed...Camila Miller would have said all those things. She would have begged me to live; she would have done everything in her power to see me in my final moments and resurrect my tired body.
"Always with me." I lift my left hand and place it over my right shoulder. My hushed words are carried to the heavens, a message and a promise for my soul mate who watches over me.
"Eve?"
I gasp and spin in my seat. My nails dig into my shoulder at the sharp bite of pain the twist of my body made in my panic.
"Oh, hi." My cheeks heat in embarrassment at how I reacted to my Miri. "I'm sorry." I absolutely despise the fact that I'm the reason his brows dip. "I-" he cuts me off from apologizing again.
