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Whatever I'm feeling right now, though, is not normal.
I just got off a call with my therapist about an hour ago. She has been so amazing since I started seeing her all those months ago, but sometimes...sometimes therapy doesn't make me feel better.
She makes me think harder than I would without her. On days like today, it hits a little harder than I was ready for. Everything is over, and now I have to get ready to live, which seems fabulous and everything I deserve...I just get scared. And tired.
Frowning down at the blanket covering my lap, I pick at the lint. I was excited about the silence in the house, except now my thoughts seem much louder.
My guys are so happy and excited for the future. I know they see me struggle sometimes, but I've also held back. I can't bring myself to let them down and take away the joy they have at no longer having a threat to our family out there.
We are safe. I am safe.
All four of them have begun asking me some hard questions...do I want to start school again? Where do I want to live? Do I want to have a job? The one that makes everything in my body shut down is,do I want to have a family?
My throat closes, trying to hold back the emotional torment that wants to pour out of my body.
I haven't had sex with any of them yet, but it's only a matter of time. I want to so bad. I found out something I didn't realize would ever break me in half during my appointment last week.
I have had doctors tell me a horrific amount of bad news, but this one hit the hardest because it was something I didn't realize I wanted until I was told I couldn't have it.
I can't have babies.
A choked sob breaks free as I curl in on myself on the couch. I want a family. Sharp jabs of pain puncture my chest and gut;I can't give them a family.
I cry for the future that was taken from me. The worst thing that the monsters could have deprived me of. Fuck, I thought I was shattered when they stole my virginity...that has nothing on the torment of knowing they stole my children from me.
I will never get to meet Nolan's baby, who would have had his curly hair and dark eyes. I am robbed of giving Korren his dark-haired, grumbly spit-bubbler. Amiri will never hold his chocolate-skinned sweetheart, and Ryan won't coo at his giggly blondie.
I just want my mom.
Amiri
"What do you guys want for dinner?" I tap my thumbs along the steering wheel, anxious to see Eve after another long day away from her.
"I can make something so you can have the night off, man."
I scowl at Ryan in the rearview mirror. "If I'm taking a night off of cooking, then we are ordering in. You are not allowed to touch my kitchen."
He huffs and crosses his arms, "My kitchen too." I ignore his pouting and tell Korren to ask Evie what she wants for dinner.
Our schedules lined up today, so we carpooled into work, plus it kept all of us from leaving too early. I'm regretting that decision now because I can't freaking wait to wrap my girl in a hug. It's so hard spending time away from her and knowing she's alone at the house only makes it worse.
According to my counselor, I know the threat is gone, but this anxiety is a trauma response. After our parents sat down and told us it would be a good idea, we now have our own therapists. None of us complained; we all struggle from time to time, and to build a happy and healthy future for Eve, we need to work on ourselves, too.
"She isn't answering."
"What?" My snap is instantaneous. My imagination runs wild, taking dark turn after dark turn. What the hell does he mean? She isn't answering.
"Maybe she's just not by her phone right now," Nolan reasons from his spot behind my seat.
"I told her to keep it on her at all times!" Korren's roar makes me cringe, and my pulse skyrockets.
"Bro, chill. I'm sure she's fine. You can't control her like this; you know that." Ryan chimes in softly, attempting to keep everyone calm.
"I'm calling Mia." We fall silent when Kor lifts the phone to his ear.Come on, Eve...don't prove our anxieties right.
"I want to hear!"
Flicking the Bluetooth on and connecting his phone, Mia's voice breaks through the car speakers, "Hey, I was just about to call you. I'm with Eve; everything is okay."
