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They were the backbone of Carrigan’s, but they were not the owners.
At that thought, the memory of Cass, which was always in the back of his mind, rushed forward so strongly he thought he could hear her laugh and smell her perfume. He gasped her name. Then, shocking himself, he began to weep. His dad broke his stillness, wrapping his arms around Levi tightly. Levi felt a tear drop into his hair.
Had anyone taken time to check on their grief, as they kept feeding people, fixing things, having lost the best friend of their whole lives? He hoped the twins had and hated himself that he had not. If even he, who had hated Cass, was mourning her now, how must they feel?
“How long are you here?” his dad rumbled, his voice vibrating at a frequency in Levi that his body read as “home.” He held Levi out at arm’s length, gripping his forearms, looking him over.
“How long do you want me?” Levi asked, kicking the gravel, not answering because he didn’t have an answer.
“I don’t think we’re the ones who get to decide,” his dad said meaningfully.
“Why not? You’re my parents. This is my…where I’m from. Why shouldn’t your say be final?” His anger flared, and he was that feral cat, his fur up.
They both knew the answer to whose say was final.
Instead of leaving the Christmasland to his parents, Cass had left it to her nieces Hannah and Miriam, the farm manager Noelle, and, shockingly, to him. So, how long he stayed was up to the people—well, person—who did run Carrigan’s these days.
As it had every day of his life, his future lay in the hands of Hannah Rosenstein. His oldest and best friend, the love of his life, the reason his heart beat. The woman who had chosen Carrigan’s over a life with him. The woman who’d told him she never wanted to see or speak to him again when he left.
He’d returned to convince her they still belonged together. He’d never stopped loving her, and he was pretty sure she’d never stopped loving him, either. He was going to talk her into leaving this place with him, or letting him stay, whichever he could get, as long as it meant she took him back. He had no idea how he would bear living here, but he knew he couldn’t bear to live without her any longer.
His dad cleared his throat. “Well. Whatever you all decide, your mother and I would love to have you for as long as you can stay.”
“Aren’t you mad at me?” he asked. He knew his dad wasn’t happy with the way he’d handled, well, most things, for the past few years.
His dad shrugged. No one could put more meaning into a shrug than Ben Matthews.
“I will have some things to say to you eventually. Right now, I’m going to enjoy having my boy home for Passover. Besides, by the time Hannah’s through with you, I figure it will mostly all be said.”
Levi’s dad pulled his hat off, ran a hand through his hair, put his hat back on. He cleared his throat again. “I’m going to let your mother know you’re here. You talk to the girls.”
He pointed with his chin toward the door to the kitchen. Levi followed his gaze, then nodded.
“I’ll stash your bike,” his dad added gruffly, and disappeared.
Alone, Levi brushed the tears from his cheeks and shook snow out of his hair. He gave himself a pep talk.You can do this, Matthews. Don’t be an asshole to anyone for at least five minutes. Ten, if you can manage.He paused in the doorway to run two fingers over the mezuzah, then kissed them and walked in from the chilly morning into the warm, bright kitchen of his childhood home.
He was met with a wall of cold that rivaled a Siberian midnight.
The woman he loved, his soul made flesh, the person he had missed and yearned for and seen behind his eyelids every moment of every day since he’d left, was standing in front of him, arms crossed over her chest, eyes flashing knives. He took his life into his hands and leaned against the door frame, crossing his legs and grinning at her. (Great job, Matthews. Ten seconds without being an asshole.) He could hear her grind her teeth from across the room.
Anger was better than indifference, which was the response he’d feared the most.
He drank in the sight of her, finally here in real life—not just his memory or late-night Instagram binges. Oxygen reached parts of his body he’d forgotten existed. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun, the kind she wore when she was only with family, not putting on her Manager of the Inn guise. She’d gotten highlights or spent a long time out in the winter sun, because the honey blonde was shot through with lighter streaks than he remembered. Her eyes, in the kitchen light, were the color of whiskey, though they’d be amber in the sunlight and almost yellow in the glow of a fire. She had the most stubborn jaw known to humankind and curves that went on for days and days and days.
She stole his breath.
He noticed, belatedly, that his best friend, Miriam, was also there, standing next to her. On Hannah’s other side was his least-best friend, Noelle Northwood. Unlike Hannah and Miriam, Noelle wasn’t related to Cass and hadn’t grown up coming to Carrigan’s. She had shown up one day five years ago and been immediately accepted by Cass in a way Levi had failed to be all his life. She was the Diana to Hannah’s Anne Shirley, a dapper butch tree farmer with a grudge against Levi a mile long. The dislike was very mutual.
Noelle’s stance mirrored Hannah’s, although her shoulders were thrown back, as if she were a bear challenging him at her den. While he’d been gone, the girls’ whole world had shifted—they’d lost Cass and saved the farm from bankruptcy. Miriam and Noelle had fallen in love. They’d made an unbreakable unit of three—like he, Miri, and Hannah had once been—and he’d only heard about that unit secondhand.
He was realizing there might not be room for a fourth person in this triangle.
“Hi,” he managed to get out, sounding grumpier than he’d intended. He’d meant to say “I’m home,” but he’d choked. Something about being here brought out his surly side. Most of his loved ones thought surly was his only side but that was only at Carrigan’s.
“It’s about fucking time,” Hannah said, then turned on her heel and walked away.
That had gone about as well as he could have expected, honestly. He wished Noelle hadn’t witnessed it, adding to her ever-expanding list of Reasons Why Levi Was Bad for Hannah, but at this point the list was insurmountable anyway. He looked between Noelle and Miriam.
