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“Some of the families would talk about me when they thought I couldn’t hear, or even when they knew I could. How I was high in the instep for thinking I would ever be more than a short-order cook, and I was too big for my britches for talking about taking over the kitchen at Carrigan’s and marrying the heir like we’re in some kind of bizarre medieval drama.”
“They were rich assholes, Levi. The world is full of rich assholes. Why did you listen to people whose opinion wasn’t worth the paper they wiped their asses with?”
“Does that include Cass?” Levi asked, leveling his father with a stare.
“What are you talking about? When was Cass ever unkind to you?”
“Do you really not know how cold she was to me? That she told me to leave Hannah alone because I would never be enough?”
His dad sat perfectly still, his face ashen. “Levi. Tell me what you mean.”
Up to this moment, there had been two possibilities in Levi’s mind: (1) his parents had known how Cass treated him and did nothing to stop it, which would be an awful thing to discover of parents he idolized, or (2) they had completely missed her behavior, which meant they hadn’t been paying attention, which was a slightly less awful but still bad thing to learn.
It turned out he was glad it was option two, but now he had to explain again.
“You know that Cass was sometimes…quixotic…about her preferences,” he began diplomatically.
“That’s putting it mildly,” his dad agreed.
Levi folded his hands on the table, holding them tight so they didn’t shake. “At some point, she went from being charmed by my idiosyncrasies to having her feelings hurt that I wouldn’t let her mentor me and collect me like one of her lost toys. And it’s not even that I wouldn’t. Iwantedher to, but I didn’t know how to ask or let her in. I didn’t realize that if I was closed off, she would take it as a personal affront and decide I was ungrateful.”
“But you were a child, Levi. She was an adult.” His dad looked angry, but not, Levi thought, at him. “And she was our best friend. We trusted her with you. With all of you.”
“I know.” Levi nodded. “Now, I know that she probably shouldn’t have…but at the time, you know, I thought she was right.”
“What did she say? Or do?”
“Little things…leaving me out of conversations or invitations, forgetting gifts, letting me feel invisible.” He shook his head, trying to remember all the tiny ways he’d felt unwelcome in his home. “She didn’t do it on purpose, Dad. She wasn’t a monster. I never thought that of her, and I don’t want you to. I think I just disappeared for her. And then when Hannah and I fell in love, she was so angry at me. She felt I was defying her because she didn’t want us together. When I left, she told me good riddance, that I’d never been a true child of Carrigan’s anyway. It was…an ugly scene. I said some things, too. My heart was broken over Hannah, and somehow I thought it was Cass’s fault.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t know how Cass made you feel,” his dad said, voice thick. “I would have stopped it. I would have told you that you were my perfect boy and told her she needed to get her head together.”
“I didn’t want you to have to choose, Dad,” Levi said, tears streaming down his face.
“I would have always chosen you, Levi. I hope you know that.”
He hadn’t really been sure, but looking at his dad’s face now, he was.
“And then she left me a fucking napkin. Telling me she was wrong, asking for my forgiveness. But why didn’t she call me, Dad? On any Yom Kippur, or any random Tuesday? Why didn’t she ask me to come home?” His eyes filled with tears, and his dad caught his hands again.
“I’m so sorry,” his dad said. “It was my job to protect you, and I didn’t. Not from her, and not from the kids at school.”
“I have never, for a minute, held that against you. You and Mom are the best parents anyone could ever ask for,” Levi assured him.
“I hope that’s not true; you deserved to ask for more. But the good news is, you can be a better dad than I was,” he said seriously, pushing Levi’s hair out of his eyes and running his fingers over his son’s forehead. Winking, he switched his tone from serious to teasing. “If you can win your wife back.”
An awareness had been building in Levi, since he and Hannah had talked about birth control, of how desperately he wanted to be a dad to his and Hannah’s children. Hearing his father bring it up made it feel all the more real. Another piece of their future he was fighting like hell for.
“So, about that. I have a new plan. I want to learn how to stop picking fights. Do you have any advice? You’re never mad. Except at me, I mean.”
His dad laughed. “Levi, I’m always mad. My grandson is growing up in a world with a climate apocalypse and rapidly rising antisemitism. Most of the kids I’ve helped raise to adulthood are queer, and homophobic laws are passing every day. I’m so mad I’m made out of fire. But I can’t fight any of that if I’m fighting with my wife about whether she proves that she loves me in the right way.”
“How do I stop feeling unlovable? So I don’t need her to prove it all the damn time?”
“Asking the big questions, son. I think you’ll have an easier time believing we love you when you see that webelieveyou, about all the things that happened that made you feel this way. It’s not all on you.”
The middle of May brought Noelle’s birthday, and Hannah, whose love language was Organizing People’s Lives, had taken a brief break from organizing the Davenport festivities and their guests’ activities to plan a birthday party for her best friend. Levi couldn’t tell if Noellewanteda birthday party, but Hannah wanted to throw one, so he was cooking for it. When he’d pointed out that Noelle hated him and probably did not want him cooking her birthday dinner, Hannah had threatened to do it instead, and he’d broken.
“What’s your deal, Blue?” Noelle asked, walking in while he was prepping.
