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Never, in all her life, would she have believed he could say that, and mean it, about Carrigan’s Christmasland. “So why do I sense there’s a but?”
“Because you know me,” he admitted. “You know I pitchedLiving Boldto Food Network, and we’re scheduled to film the pilot. When they saw what a fan favorite I was…”He rolled his eyes at this, but hewasa fan favorite. She’d been right that his charisma and beauty made people around the world adore him. She just hoped she’d been wrong that he would leave to chase that. “They asked for a full season order.”
“I mean, you have to do it, right? You have to take it. I’ve watched you on this show. You’re bizarrely great at cooking on TV.” Her shoulders were hunched, her body tensing for him to break her heart.
Levi chuckled. “Yeah, it’s weird, right? I hate talking to people, but I love talking to a camera about what I’m cooking. It’s like I’m able to turn off the part of my brain that’s obsessed with how people are going to respond to what I’m saying.”
“You’re great at talking when there’s no possibility of anyone talking back.” Hannah elbowed him a little so he would know she wasn’t serious.
“That’s not inaccurate.” He put an arm over her shoulders, and she relaxed into him. “And thankfully, I have this face, so people want to put me on camera.”
“I’m so glad you found a way to save yourself from the curse of your own beauty.”
“Astonishing that I manage to look like this and be the less attractive person in my marriage,” he said, and she snorted a laugh.
“It’s amazing, that out of all of this, this catastrophic pain we caused, you found a career you would never have imagined.” She pulled back so she could look up at him, but wrapped his hands in hers to keep him close.
He looked out at the mountains for a moment, and she thought he was distracted, but he finally said, “I wouldn’t go back and undo what happened. If I did, we would never have learned how to tell each other the truth when it was hard. And I would never have learned…that my version of what I think needs done is sometimes missing major information. I would never, ever have gotten my head out of my ass here. I didn’t even get it out of my ass out there!”
“So now you have to go film in Manhattan,” she said. Anxiety flared inside her. Was he making plans for them, again, without asking her?
“Well, I have some sway right now, because of the show. They want to use the finale buzz to start hypingLiving Bold, so I can maybe push for the contract to look how I want. Or, how you want. Because I’m not telling them anything until you and I figure out how I can make it work. I obviously want to take this show, but my priority is doing that while staying married.”
The anxiety became a wave of panic. “Doesn’t that confine the future of your career?”
He shrugged. “So? I already have more career than I ever dreamed of. If someday there aren’t any shows left to film, I’ll find a kitchen and beg for a job. Maybe Chef Harlow needs a sous.”
“I’m going to keep you from your dreams,” she whispered.
He shook his head. “No, Nan. You’re the best dream I ever had. But I need you to tell me if you also want to stay married. We’ve done our five dates. Shenanigan successfully concluded. What do you want?”
She held his face in her hands. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And we still don’t have a plan. I feel like if you leave to film without one, we’ll keep kicking the can down the road until we end up exactly where we did last time. I want to be your wife, and I don’t want to give you more ultimatums, but, babe, if we don’t take the time to figure this out now, I don’t know that I can keep believing we ever will. It’s now or…maybe never.”
Nodding, Levi rested his forehead against hers. “I would like to negotiate for a sixth date.”
“Now who’s playing Calvinball?”
He kissed her forehead and sat back. “Hear me out. I think we should go on a sixth date—to a marriage counselor. We probably don’t have the skills to figure out how to build a new, healthy marriage that’s different from the way we used to be, but we can ask someone to help us.”
“Ask for help? Us?!” Hannah faked incredulity, because she needed some lightness in this, and because she was worried. “You hate therapy, LB.”
He shrugged. “I love you more. I want us to figure this out together, as a team.” His eyes were big and beseeching. He hadn’t said,I want this my way, let me talk you into it.He was saying,I want to do this a way we decide together.
She cocked her head. There was no way that forcing him into therapy that made him uncomfortable was going to help, but… “What about a rabbi?” she asked. “I know a freaking great one.”
Levi’s face broke into the kind of joyous grin she’d forgotten he was capable of. “I would love that so much.”
The moment crystalized around her, time frozen in the sun.
He wanted to go with her, together as a couple, to her religious mentor, her most trusted spiritual teacher, and seek counsel as a team, as members of their shared faith. This, more than anything before, pierced her heart. It was like he had the blueprints to her princess tower, and he knew exactly where to plant the dynamite.
She didn’t say any of that. Instead, she wiped a tear off her face and said, “If you embarrass me in front of my rabbi, I will personally put you in a human cannon and shoot you back to Australia.”
“That’s fair.” He nodded. “Just so we’re clear, which part of my personality do we find embarrassing? Because I personally think all of it, but that seems unsustainable if we want actual feedback from them.”
“I mostly meant you should not tell tales about my extremely awkward adolescence,” Hannah said, “although perhaps you might wear full-length pants.”
“I do understand the concept of dressing for shul.” He winked at her. “I think your entire adolescence was incredibly charming, but I’ll keep the amusing anecdotes to a minimum.”
