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“I’m outside,” he answered. “An ambulance just pulled up.”
“Ambulance?” She panicked.
“Look, Nat, you’re not driving, are you?”
“No. What’s going on? Is Aria all right?”
Her daughter was the first person who came to mind. Noah’s hesitation only made her worry more. “Tell me our daughter is okay!”
“Natalie, I’m sorry. We got hit by a car last night at an intersection. The driver was at fault. I’m still at the hospital. I’m fine, but—”
“What happened to Aria?” Her eyes welled up.
“She’s in the intensive care unit… head trauma.”
The news made Natalie break down in disbelief. She wanted to scream at Noah; she wanted to curse him and vent her anguish, but all she could think about was hopping on the next flight to LA.
“Nat, I—”
“I’ll be there,” she cut him off. “I’m going to the airport. Call you soon.” Hanging up, she phoned her boss and explained the emergency before she contacted her best friend Candice and asked her to babysit while she would be away.
Money was tight and Natalie knew her husband would argue with her about taking money out of their savings to pay for airfare and hotel expenses, but she had to be there for her daughter. Her decision was not up for debate.
Locking up the store, she was back on the street, flagging down a cab as it pulled up to the curb.
“JFK airport, please.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
NOAH
May 19, 2013
I’ve always been the type of man who never needed religion to elevate my life in a spiritual sense. I’ve never needed to get close to theHeavenly Fatherbecause it was simple: I didn’t believe in Him. My religious upbringing had opened my eyes to the hypocrisy and contradictions of what we call “faith.” There was a time when my mother used to force me and my siblings to go to church. But I can honestly say that I never felt the Lord’s presence within the confines of such a “holy place.” Our church minister had always tried to instill the fear of God in us. The bastard was a two-faced piece of shit who had been arrested for possessing child pornography. I remember how he’d be at church every Sunday, telling us we’ll all burn in hellfire “if we refuse to follow the will of the Lord.” Funny how he broke every rule he warned us not to break, and committed unspeakable sins behind that pious mask he wore. Someone should have wrapped those rosary beads around his neck and choked him to death. The scumbag had broken every holy covenant at the expense of the most defenseless. Most religious nut jobs project their inner demons. They use religion to assuage their fears becausethey’re afraid of death and refuse to face their shadow side: the rejected, darker aspects of self. I’m paraphrasing Dr. Grey when I say, if you refuse to go within to heal your wounds and take accountability for yourself, then you will vibrate in fear, guilt, and shameevery day, until you face the demons you hide in your closet. Only then, will you be liberated from the devil inside that keeps you in bondage. People use religion as a crutch to escape the pain and shame of doing the inner work: confronting the devilwithin—not as an outside entity, but an entity that lives within oneself.
I was young when I denounced my faith in Catholicism. Growing up, I made a promise to take no future generation of “Hunters” into a church. Ever. There was too much evil in the world. Why would God allow people to suffer so much? Was God so proud that he couldn’t admit he’d made a mistake when he created Lucifer? Was Lucifer even to blame? If God is all knowing and wise, did he not know that by creating his inversion, he would rebel and plague the world in evil? Why not destroy him? If the Lord is truly omnipotent, how come he never showed that power? Oh right, he did…eons ago(supposedly). Clearly, I wasn’t a monotheist; I had no interest in devoting my life to answering “theodicy’s trilemma.” Sometimes I wondered if suffering only existed to make the afterlife more attractive. Or maybe it existed just to increase our empathy. During times of crises, people and communities come together and try to find a solution… And somewhere along the way, they find compassion—that’s the ideal vision, at least.
The human population is expected to eat up all kinds of religious mumbo jumbo. New Atheists like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens made more sense to me in explaining why religion exists and how it cultivates the seed that radicalizes people into committing evil deeds. If someone asked me what I thought of the Bible, I would have told them it sounded likefables. I had so many questions that always went unanswered, and any believers I conversed with regarding faith always said the same thing over again: “Walk by faith, not by sight. It’s all part of the test. Trust in the Lord with an open heart, and He will bless you a thousand times over.”
No, He won’t. He just adds to your suffering with more burdens.
I refused to worship a god that allowed so much pain and suffering in this world. I had long waged a war with our “Creator” and vowed to curse his existence till my dying breath. In my eyes, he was nothing more than a mythological deity that long needed to fade.
But none of my past beliefs mattered when I stepped inside the small chapel on the fourth floor of Glenmore General Hospital. Three weeks had passed since that near fatal collision, and I was lucky to have survived with minor cuts and bruises. That pickup truck had T-boned my car at the intersection and slammed into Aria’s passenger door. My Audi had been upside down when the firefighters came and used their hydraulic rescue tools to cut through the metal and get my daughter out. That accident could have easily been prevented. The person at fault had been driving drunk.
My injuries had not been serious, which was why I’d been discharged a few days later. But Aria had suffered extensive head trauma and internal bleeding. She had slipped into a coma, and I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to get her back.
Uncertain whether to stay or leave, I walked up a narrow aisle and sat in an empty pew. There was no one around, but I preferred it this way. Hanging my head, I listened to nothing but silence. The minutes kept passing as I tried to find a part of myself that could somehow break through my ego and reach out to God… if He even existed.
I don’t know how to do this,” I began. “It’s been such a long time since you and I had a heart to heart. What’s messed up is that I don’t really know if you’re out there, but I guess I just have to believe, right?” I looked up at the big wooden cross and felt foolish for talking to it.
It’s just an object. What am I doing?
“I didn’t come in here today to pour my heart out and tell you about all the times I felt you failed me in life. I’m sure in your eyes, I’m the one who has failedyou. All I know is that my daughter is in a hospital bed, and there’s a real chance she will never wake up.”
My throat swelled with pain as I sifted through my emotions.
“It’s obvious I’m not a very godly person. I’ve sinned more times than I can count. I mean, where do I start? Pre-marital sex, ignoring my fatherly duties, drug addiction, promiscuity, sexual demons, bar fights, and finally, the worst of it…” I stared at my hands and watched my tears fall before I whispered, “I fell in love with my daughter.”
