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He stiffens, searches my face, then exhales and presses his forehead to mine. “I’ve thought about it too.”
“You have?”
“Believe me, I have. This thing with us—I knew there was a connection, I just never expected it to be this intense.”
“Same,” I say, hope bleeding into the word. “And I thought I wanted to do this trip on my own, but traveling together would be even better. We could take turns choosing destinations, have someone to share the experiences with, not lose this amazing thing we’ve started and—”
“Naomi.” He swallows, his expression hard to read. “I can’t, baby.”
Air rushes from my lungs, leaving me feeling gutted.
He pulls back and holds my hands. “I’ve thought about all those things. Pictured us in markets and exploring towns. The idea is really fucking exciting but also terrifying to someone like me. The prospect of quitting my job makes me anxious. I’d have to delay paying my parents back their school loans. And Gran looks forward to our Saturday mornings, and I’d miss my friends. Or maybe this is all just an excuse because I don’t do well with change, and I’m scared to rock the boat. Either way, I just…can’t.”
I bite my lip, sad for him and what he’s been through, but also proud that he’s able to be this honest. Only a good, strong man would openly admit his weakness. And he is that—good and strong. Sweet and fun and handsome, and what’s so good about traveling anyway? Maybe Avett is the adventure I’ve been missing in my life. “What if I stay?”
“Absolutely not.” He lifts my chin, demanding eye contact. “You’ve been planning this for ages, Naomi. Youneedthis, and I won’t be what holds you back. As much as I’d love to have you here, you’ll eventually resent me. This trip is too important.”
“So, we just…what? Pretend we haven’t fallen for each other and move on with our separate lives?”
He traces the curve my jaw. “Something like that, yeah.”
My eyes fill, a tear slipping out. “Our timing really sucks.”
He brushes my cheek with his thumb. “It does, and…” His breath shudders.
“And?”
“I don’t think we should see each other again. Tonight was intense, and I don’t think I can do that again and get in even deeper with you. You leave in five days. Maybe we should let tonight be goodbye.”
Forget one lone tear. More flow, and I wrap my arms around him, burying my face against his neck.
His chest trembles, and he smooths his hand down my back. “I have one request, though.”
I nod, not trusting my voice to speak.
“Talk to your mother before you go. Don’t leave with strain between you. Tell her the truth about why you’re leaving, even if learning how hard she pushed you growing up upsets her. She deserves to know.”
Of all the men in the world, why did I try to have meaningless sex with Avett Lewis? Why does he have to be so caring and sweet? And now I know how much fun we have together and how deeply we connect in bed and how well he cooks and takes care of me when I’m hurt.
He’s everything I could want in a man, and he’s right. I do have to face my mother and hope my truth doesn’t strain our relationship more. I also can’t cancel this trip. I’ve spent years dreaming of this adventure.
Avett and I may be perfect together, but our timing is the absolute worst.
chaptersixteen
Avett
I’m not sure if I accidentally shot myself up with drugs at the clinic. Or maybe Mr. Ayala’s Jack Russell Terrier is a werewolf-dog and I’ve been bitten and am in the process of a grotesque transformation. Whatever the explanation, I’ve embodied the upside-down version of me.
I smacked both alarms this morning. I barely dragged my tired ass out of bed afterward. The bruises under my eyes prove how little sleep I’ve had, and my joints ache, screaming at me for running twice a day. Even worse, my carefully honed schedule has gone to hell.
The past five mornings, in order to avoid Naomi and give us both much needed space, I’ve gone to Sugar and Sips half an hour later than usual. I’ve spent my time in there feeling out of sorts, like I’ve lost something crucial but can’t recall what it is. I arrive at work with barely enough time to gather myself before my first appointment arrives. The dogs and cats I treat manage to lift my mood with their wet licks and cute faces, but when I get home the only thing I can do is run.
I’m sick with missing Naomi, but I can’t see a path that ends with us together. There’s no point investing in someone long distance who doesn’t have a clue when orifshe plans on returning home. There’s no point pretending I’m anything but a homebody too set in his ways to toss everything away on a reckless whim.
I can handle cheat days, but not a cheat life.
I walk into Sugar and Sips this morning, gritting my teeth, hating the first step inside. The memories in here have become a sucker punch. The recent ones are bad enough—Naomi flirting, Naomi teasing me with dirty words, Naomi making me laugh. But the old ones? How relentless we were with each other? The extent to which she went to make me uncomfortable? Our rivalry was proof of how much we cared about each other.For years.
