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“This is something I’ve thought about a lot over the years,” he began carefully. “I’ve had more experience with omegas than most alphas have, and between my mate and my children, I’ve learned a lot. Not only about their designation, but about us and what we’re taught and raised to be like.” Oldaric flexed his fingers against the fabric of his chair before continuing. He was speaking slowly and carefully, weighing each word before saying it. “I think there’s a severe learning curve between what we were taught was right and true and what really is. For us older alphas especially. I think younger ones are more open-minded and are starting to see the truth. But I know I, for one, had to unlearn everything I was ever raised to believe when I married and started to have only omega children. It wasn’t easy, and I made many mistakes. Gods, I still do.”
He paused again, and I bit my lip to keep from pushing him to keep talking. Oldaric wasn’t aware of my upbringing and my omega mother, but even with my extra insight, he wasn’t wrong. “One of the things I had the most difficulty with is understanding that I didn’t automatically have the right to do whatever I wanted because of my gender. You know how our schooling was.” He laughed harshly. “We were always taught that omegas were incapable of making decisions for themselves. That they were no better than small children as far as intelligence went and it was up to us to make sure they weren’t a danger to themselves. Gods, my mate put me in my place about that immediately.”
I smiled softly to myself. That was where I had the advantage since I grew up, at least during my teenage years, seeing just how intelligent and capable my mother was. “And I know you know that’s not true. I know you disagree with the laws and the treatment of the other designations. I know you’re fighting to fix things.” He paused again and looked at the ceiling. Finally, his heavy gaze met mine from across the room. “But there’s still an inner bias in all of us that we’re constantly fighting against. I think that’s preventing you from seeing the full picture. Jett isn’t Lennon. Lumping them together is unfair to both omegas and their personalities and experiences. I know we were taught that all omegas are mindless beings who have no personalities or wants or thoughts outside of being filled with a knot and carrying babies, but we both know that is bullshit. They are human beings, Emerson, with different likes, dislikes, thoughts, and experiences that shape them.”
A low growl formed in my throat in annoyance at my friend. “I know that. They’re not fucking animals.”
“So stop thinking about them that way. From what I understand about the situation, Jett has made it more than clear he can handle himself. And, unlike Lennon, he has alphas who care about him and don’t think he’s an object. Do you honestly think Orion would even entertain this at all if he thought you’d harm Jett?”
That was a good point. Lennon had been terrified of what his father would do to him after his heat. I did a lot of maneuvering and kissing ass to make sure he didn’t punish his son for my mistakes, and still failed. But Jett had a very powerful alpha in his corner, and there was some comfort in that.
“What about the other part?” I asked quietly, almost afraid of the answer. “What if I don’t stop?”
Oldaric sighed. “Only you can answer that, friend. But the fact that you are so concerned about it is a good indication that you’d never go that far.”
I realized he was right and I wouldn’t be able to answer that question right now. I spent too much time recently self-reflecting, but I wasn’t done. It made me feel raw and vulnerable, but it had to be done. Until I could trust myself, I’d never be a good mate for Jett.
We spoke for a little longer before Oldaric took his leave. Right before he walked out, I was shocked to my core as he wrapped his arms around me in a hug. We didn’t hug. Never. Until he did it, I didn’t realize how badly I needed that. I returned the hug, my throat tight.
He finally pulled off and looked me in the eye. “You’ll be okay, Emerson. I know you’ll do the right thing.” He squeezed my shoulder and left, leaving me alone to wonder how he could be so sure.
CHAPTER16
Jett
“Are you ready for this?”I asked Lyric as I walked into the bedroom he shared with his husband. He was standing in front of the mirror, fumbling with the tie for his tux. I’d never seen him so nervous. He always seemed so confident and sure of himself.
The last few days had been rough for him, though, and it was starting to affect him. He didn’t talk much about the day Atlas attacked him, but more than once in the last week, he woke up with nightmares about the event. He had confided that they hadn’t happened in weeks and he had no idea why they started now, but I imagined sometimes, there was no reason for things like that. I still had nightmares that I got caught while escaping my aunt and died after being used to exhaustion in an omega house. And that was only a projection of a nonexistent future. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like for Lyric.
That wasn’t the only issue either. This was the first formal event being hosted at Orion’s home and the first time Lyric was responsible for acting as host. He was understandably nervous, as all of society would be watching and judging every step and misstep.
Lyric looked at me through the mirror, his eyebrow raised. “AmIready? How about you? This has been a busy holiday season for you.”
I snorted as I walked in the room and gently removed Lyric’s hands to help him. Usually, he was the one who had to assist me. I didn’t even know how to tie a tie or do a bowtie prior to moving in with them, but it seemed like he could use the support.
“Surprisingly, I feel okay. This wasn’t the outcome I wanted, obviously, but Gideon and I have had long discussions. Neither of us have any sort of sexual attraction toward each other. It’s purely friendship, a mutually beneficial arrangement with someone I care for and who I know will be a good mate and alpha toward me.”
Lyric took my hand. “But will you be happy? I like Gideon. He’s a good alpha, but we both know he’s not who you want.”
I shrugged and smiled. “I’ll have a good life.” It wasn’t the answer he wanted, but I couldn’t answer honestly. I could be happy with Gideon, I believed, but it wouldn’t be enough. I knew I could never love him like I wished, but it was better than most omegas got. Better than Lyric would have gotten if his fated hadn’t fallen into his lap.
I had to push down the pain and little bit of nausea that always arrived when Emerson was mentioned. No, Gideon wasn’t who I wanted. That was why I was honest with him from the beginning. I didn’t want to use him. He deserved more than that. But he understood, and once he explained some of his inclinations to me, I agreed to the engagement.
I was still worried about my heats, but Gideon said it wouldn’t be a problem. He explained that while he never had any desire for sex or sexual attraction toward anyone, he wasn’t repulsed by it. He always had strong caretaker instincts and felt that he could tap into them enough while I was in need during my heat to take me through it. There were also toys and other things to assist, and I felt we had a satisfactory arrangement, at least in theory.
Of course, I would never fully be satisfied. Gideon would never replace Emerson. He’d never be able to give me the pain and intensity I craved. He’d never be able to be my fated mate, my one person who was made only for me. There would always be an emptiness inside of me that I’d likely try my entire life to fill, but would never succeed.
I shook the thoughts away. They were neither here nor there. Emerson wasn’t here. He made it clear he didn’t want me. I wasn’t—I couldn’t spend my life wallowing away, waiting for him. I didn’t have that luxury as an omega. I wouldn’t get as lucky as finding someone like Gideon again. Someone who understood and would never ask for more than I could give. I had to put Emerson in the past and focus on securing my future.
There was a little piece of me that still wondered though. I did some research. Okay, I sweet-talked Gideon into researching it for me, and there was a way to sever the bond, one I assumed Emerson was aware of and still hadn’t done it. It angered me when I thought too hard about it. Why was he stringing both of us along if he truly wanted to end it? A severed bond had to be better than this permanent longing. This unending hunger that never went away. From what we read, it would be extremely painful when it happened. Supposedly, some people even passed out. But then it was done. I’d take a brief moment of excruciating pain to end this perpetual torment I was currently feeling.
Nothing could be done about it though, so I forced a smile, changed the subject, and went back to helping Lyric get ready.
We went over the seating arrangement . . . again. This had been a big debate point for the last few weeks. Apparently, high society was petty and was very particular about who could sit where. Lyric and I had changed the arrangement at least eight times.
After a few minutes, there was a soft tap on the side of the wall. By the way Lyric’s face lit up and the stress melted off him, I knew it was Orion before even turning around. He smiled softly at us. “Are you two almost ready? The guests will be here soon.”
Lyric’s shoulders straightened. “Yes. I think so. We were just going over the table arrangements again.”
