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He couldn’t afford to draw the attention of the chief. He’d already been reprimanded once for calling out — it was harder than he’d expected to find child care when he had to work, and he wasn’t about to ask Ruby’s family. Plus he had those “excessive force” violations on his record.
Not exactly the NYPD’s golden boy.
Ruby stomped off to the bathroom, her pigtails bobbing (he couldn’t do the braids she asked for but he was okay at the pigtails, although they were always a little off center), and a second later he heard the water running. She was probably pretending to brush her teeth — another tactic she used to defy him — but he couldn’t muster the energy to give a shit.
Work had become a refuge. He just wanted to get Olivia to school and escape to the station.
He fished Olivia’s plate out of the trash — the fork was too far gone, probably at the bottom of the bag under last night’s uneaten dinner — and rinsed it in the sink.
“Brush,” he ordered as he passed the bathroom, Olivia standing in front of the sink without her toothbrush as he’d expected.
She jumped and reached for her toothbrush and he felt the familiar thrill of power.
It used to be reserved for Ruby — making her jump, making her cower, making her cry.
Then after their divorce, work had been his only release. He had to be careful. Some of the guys on the force had turned soft, his partner Deon among them.
But Adam had been a cop long enough to know how to get a pass, and he forced himself not to break the carefully constructed rules of force but instead to ride the line of what was allowed.
Lately it hadn’t been enough. Olivia was pushing him to the limit. She had too much of her mother in her. Sheenjoyedpushing his buttons,likedpissing him off.
He’d found his temperature rising during her temper tantrums, the sound of her whining like nails on a chalkboard. He had to fist his hands against the impulse to hit her, to shut her the fuck up.
At first the impulse had horrified him. Ruby had deserved his anger. Always questioning him, defying him. ignoring his rules.
Fucking cunt.
But Olivia was his sweet little girl. Tiny and innocent.
How could he even think about hurting her?
As time marched on, days piling into weeks, he’d stopped being so hard on himself. No wonder Olivia was such a spoiled brat, being raised mostly by Ruby, who’d babied her nonstop.
Spoil the rod, spare the child.
That was what Adam’s own father had said, and he’d definitely lived up to his advice with Adam.
What Olivia needed was a good kick in the ass.
He didn’t voice his innermost thought, the one he kept hidden even from himself — that if he started hitting her, he wouldn’t stop.
He shoved the thought down. He was just stressed out. It was understandable. He was a single parent doing the job of two people.
He thought of Ruby, wondered if she was still alive or if Igor Kalashnik had disposed of her. Adam didn’t know and he didn’t want to know. It was one of the terms of their arrangement.
Adam wanted to make Ruby hurt and Igor had promised to deliver. Having Olivia to himself was the deepest of all cuts to Ruby. He didn’t know if she was still alive to assume Adam had seized custody of their daughter, but he knew, and that mattered almost as much.
She’d been so fucking smug, holding things over his head like whether he’d be allowed to ride with them to Olivia’s show at school, always acting like she knew what was best fortheirdaughter.
Look who’s in charge now bitch.
He put on his belt and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He liked the way people treated him when he was in uniform, the way their eyes either lit up with admiration or slid nervously away. He looked respectable, dependable.
Powerful.
He thought of something his father used to say when he was beating on Adam:you don’t have to like me, you don’t even have to respect me, but you will fear me.
“Fear me,” Adam murmured to his reflection.
