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Am I hurting? No. Do I wish it was as simple as that? Yes.
His eyes continue to search my face and it’s pointless for me to try and hide my true feelings from him because he always fucking knows.
“I don’t know what you want me to say to you,” I finally murmur, meeting his stare. I can’t deny that I’m obviously lost in my head, but I’m definitely not understanding my own feelings and emotions enough to blurt them all out to him.
“I’m not asking you to say anything, I’m just telling you I’m here when you're ready,” he responds, clapping me on the shoulder, and the tension that was starting to rush up my spine eases.
The second he gives me an out, all of the words that have been spiraling in my mind all weekend threaten to explode from my lips but I lock them shut. His hand drops from my shoulder and I clear my throat.
“Are we done here?”
“No,” he snorts. “We’ve got loads more reps to do before breakfast and you know it.”
Without another word, he grabs the weights and signals for me to join him. It takes two whole seconds for me to drop my bravado and do just that.
This is exactly why he’s my brother. Because, just like that, he understands the mental space I need, drops the questions, yet remains present enough to be my pillar of support.
* * *
Walking to the academy building, I keep one step ahead of the others. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end every time a certain someone looks at me, and it gets so overwhelming that I channel a drop of my magic and turn my neck to stone to stop it from happening. But, although the sensation may have disappeared, the sense and knowing that she is looking remains.
I know I’m going to have to address her at some point but there’s no way in hell it’s happening now. So I settle on listening to her and Leila gossiping about whatever random shit Leila always seems to know.
Entering the academy halls, there’s no congratulations, no excessive introduction back into school life. Just… nothing. It’s as if last week never happened, but the number of students tells a different story. There’s a somber feeling around us until I hear Genie and her friends cackling and everything is back to normal again.
I slip inside the guys’ locker room without a backward glance. Finn and his friends are already here, joking around in the corner, while others focus on getting changed, and it blows my mind that no one else seems to feel the underlying tension from when we were last here.
It sounds harsh, cruel, and ridiculous, but would it not be better to lose students in battle? Like dying for an actual cause rather than some test that benefits nobody? Instead of staining every inch of the academy with their blood, why not on a battlefield? It’s all completely fucked, but what do I know?
If Eldon told the others about our stilted chat this morning, none of them mention it. They’re used to my silent phases by now and today’s no different.
Switching out my uniform for my athletic shorts and tee, I’m ready for ordnance class. It feels like the likeliness of them finally pulling out some weapons is getting further and further away at this point. As much as I agree that our bodies are our number one weapon, give me something to play with.
I silently wait for the others to be ready before we head outside. Surprisingly, Raven is already waiting with Leila and I make the mistake of meeting her gaze. Uncertainty wars in her brown eyes, her teeth nervously sinking into her bottom lip, and my cock instantly swells at the sight of her.
Clenching my hands at my sides, I storm past her and head for the field without a backward glance. I’m never going to survive living with her, especially if I can’t even look at her without my body responding.
Professor Figgins is wearing a grave expression as I near her and it’s unnerving. Not that she’s usually very smiley, but the tightness of her jaw and the pinch between her eyebrows is not the reception we usually receive.
I join the already-forming group surrounding her, my friends right behind me. Eldon stops at my right, Creed on my left, while Zane edges in front of us with Raven secured under his arm. I startle when Leila comes to a stop beside the she-devil, her gaze fixed on me with an inquisitive glint in her eyes.
She rubs her lips together before leaning closer to Raven to whisper in her ear. I know she’s talking about me, I can feel it, but what am I going to do about it?
Nothing.
“If everyone can join us as quickly as possible, that would be appreciated,” Professor Figgins hollers, silencing the group already here as the final stragglers arrive. She waits a moment to be sure she has everyone’s attention before she releases a heavy sigh. “While we’ve spent the weekend recovering from the Gauntlet, two of our outposts were attacked. The first was at Pinebrook, which was completely neutralized within minutes.” Damn. We were just there too. “However, the second attack on one of Ashdale’s outposts wasn’t so seamless,” she admits, her shoulders sagging slightly.
“What happened?” Raven asks, her voice etched with concern as she folds her arms tightly over her chest and Zane’s hold at her waist tightens.
“The attackers managed to get past the first wall, resulting in four fatal casualties…all fourth years.”
Shit.
Murmurs dance in the air around us as the news washes over everyone. My gut clenches, reminding me of my earlier thought of dying in battle instead of a fucking academy-based Gauntlet. Death is death in the end, we’re all heading to the same place, and those who died here and those at the outpost all deserve the same grace. Yet we’re feeling more remorse now than we did all of last week.
“What attacked them?”
Everyone’s attention shifts back to Raven and Figgins shrugs. “Those details haven’t been confirmed yet. I’m hoping we’ll learn more when the remaining fourth years from that station return this evening.”
