Page 31 of What We Had

He nodded as if to himself, finding the courage to speak. “I was raped.”

The word hit me like lightning, as though I had been traveling sixty miles per hour and slammed into a brick wall.Raped. Someone violated Bennett in the worst possible way. My Bennett, Benny, had been defiled and I wasn’t there to help. Before, during, after. Had he been alone in his recovery?

He continued. “It happened only once. I, um, it… there are triggers. I thought I had them under control and I was wrong.”

Acid burned in my throat. My vision narrowed. At some point, I had picked up the butter knife and gripped it in my hands. To do what?

“Who?” I demanded. “When?”

Bennett noticed the white knuckles of my hand. “It was years ago. The guy is in prison now. For something unrelated, but it doesn’t matter.”

“It fucking matters.” I made to stand. Thought better of it. “Jesus, Bennett.” I begged for clarity in my mind. A bramble of isms and Hallmark sympathy cards passed through the committee in my head. None seemed appropriate to address what Bennett had just told me.

That means you should shut up and listen, Con.

“Things are better now. A lot better,” Bennett continued. “Honestly, since becoming a cop, I’ve gained a new sense of confidence and authority. ‘Taking back my power,’ my therapist had said. But, itishard for me to go on dates, to try and put myself out there. Hookup culture, especially for gays, is so prevalent, and that’s something I absolutely cannot do.”

Of course, I thought.It’s all coming together.I could replay all the warning signs with perfect twenty-twenty clarity. The way he had squeezed his eyes shut so tightly when kissing me, wanting to be physical but feeling the deep-rooted fear of it. Staying closed off from me in fear of getting too close.

“I felt so ashamed that I had a panic attack,” Bennett said. “I was so sure I could keep going with you. IknewI could take it further.” He swallowed, balled up his fist, and brought it down on the table. The silverware and water glasses rattled. “And it is so,soimportant for you to understand that it isn’tyou. It isn’t, Connor. Please believe me. It’s just that when I am touched a certain way, it brings me back.” His chin quivered. “When I was powerless. The fucking assholedruggedme. I could barely move. Pinned me against his desk. He—” His voice hitched.

Bennett cleared his throat. His composure shifted. He had lost control only for a moment. I marveled at his ability to summon strength and take the reins.

“I will never,” I said carefully, “cross that line with you, Bennett.” I tore off my sunglasses and dropped them onto the table so he could see into my eyes, into my soul. He needed to witness my conviction. “This doesn’t have to be physical between us, okay? We can keep talking like we have been. I can come over and have wine and I promise you,I promise you, I won’t ever cross that line.” I vigorously nodded my head as I formulated a plan. “I won’t flirt or push the boundary of our friendship. I can do that. I can keep this whole thing rated G. We’ll be friends.Bestfriends. Tell each other anything.Everything.”

He pulled off those cheap plastic shades. Tears had welled in the beautiful blue of his eyes, but none fell. Damn, but he had control. “You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that. I needed to hear that. I really did.”

“Good. I’m glad. I mean it, too. Every word.”

My mind exploded with the endless possibilities of our friendship. I needed someone close, someone I could trust and confide in. Yes, my attraction to him would never fade, but in light of what he revealed to me, I could bury that to focus on his needs rather than mine.

Yes. I knew I could do all that. I would be Bennett’s best friend. Help him in his journey. Be the shoulder he needed. I would put aside my trials to focus on his. My mind reeled with all the ways I could be there for him.

Until he spoke up and said, “Because. Well.” He took a sip of water. “I talked with my therapist yesterday about all of this. Almost two hours, in fact. Told her about how I pulled you over, our conversation in your kitchen, what happened during the ride-along. All the casual flirting, the lead up.” He licked his lips. His face pinched together. Cheeks growing sunburn red. “You don’t have to stopeverything, Connor.” He hazarded a look at me, then glanced away as if in embarrassment. “The kissing is… it’s perfect. For me. For right now. It could actually help me, believe it or not. I just don’t think I can go any further. Right now.”

Right now. Which meant there would be more later.

“But,” Bennett continued, “I understand if that’s too much of a tease. You’re a man with wants and needs, and I’m putting a cap on that. I absolutely understand it if you…”

Bennett continued speaking, but his words fell away from my awareness. The committee in my head redlined, drafted, and resubmitted a new plan. I interrupted him to share what they had come up with. “I’ll sit on my hands. You’ll be in the lead. With everything. I will literallysit on my handsand receive whatever you decide to give. Hell, use your handcuffs to keep my hands from wandering, if you want. You have the power.Youare in control.”

Oh god, the smile he gave me right then. It was a spotlight on our love story, like two actors on a stage.

Our love story, I realized. I hadn’t thought of that yet. It had only been a week since the night he pulled me over.

“So,” I said, “you’re okay with us being more than just friends, then?”

The look on his face. The joy, shyness, and eagerness, all rolled up into one wide-eyed, open mouth, partially smiling stare. He was beautiful.

Our food came. Bennett had his sunglasses back on before Mr. Sassy could see anything suspicious. After he dropped the burgers down, he fixed his stern gaze on me. “Can I get a selfie before you start eating?”

I looked at him, then Bennett, who had his head pushed back. “Uh. Sure?”

“Yesss,” Ethan said. “Okay. Here.” He pulled out his phone and crouched beside my chair. My face naturally fell into a cocky half-grin that I used to give for these kinds of requests.

“Did you want his number?” Bennett asked, his light and playful voice surprising me. “I can give it to you.”

Ethan shoved the phone into his back pocket, took one step toward the center of the table, and stuck his hands on his hips. “Okay, let’s get real here, because I’m noticing a few things.” He gestured to the two of us. “Is this a date?” Then he looked at me. “You’re, like, a total ladies’ man. I thought.” He waggled his head. “According toWinnie Bridgewater, at least.” He spoke her name in a whiny, bratty kind of way. It brought me joy.

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