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That fucker lied. I had no such predatory instinct and I most certainly never tried to destroy those bird’s eggs. I was so excited to find them and I showed my mother. I wanted to touch one, but she wouldn’t let me. Arco was sitting on the patio, drinking a beer and watching us.
And that was it.
That’s all that happened, but he portrayed me as having the same dark desires he had.
He’s a sociopath, I remind myself.
Rather, his official diagnosis was antisocial personality disorder.
Among its many characteristics are manipulation and lying for personal gain.
All of it is a big fucking lie and yet… it’s been printed. It’s in the hands of thousands upon thousands of people. News channels are discussing it, reporters are calling me to get my side.
Because they fucking want to believe that I crush eggs with baby birds inside.
I rub my hands over my face and when I open my eyes, they land on the book lying just past the bathroom door on the carpet.
There’s no way Simone read this book because if she’d read just that one passage, she’d be running as far away from me as possible.
My resolve is renewed. Simone can’t be a part of my life. She doesn’t deserve the fetid stink of Arco’s legacy and all I can think is,Thank fuck we didn’t get pregnant.
CHAPTER 6
Simone
The Zoom meetingis wrapping up and I share my screen with the team. “If you’ll look at the spreadsheet, I’ve broken down this week’s collections prospects. Hardy’s team will handle soil, water and foliar samples. Renshaw will do the insects and invertebrates.”
“Bug dude,” someone calls out, but I don’t know who.
Several people laugh and Renshaw says, “Can’t help it if you scientists are too weenie to catch and dissect the critters.”
Ordinarily, I would laugh and give everyone else hell about it, but nothing seems funny anymore. I plow right along. “Farber’s team is on lichens and tree core samples. Any questions?”
Of course there are and I weed through them one by one. Ordinarily, if I were back home, I’d be on one of the collection teams as we work on the acid rain project and then I’d have my face pressed to a microscope, which is my favorite part of what I do. But now I’m doing mostly project management and data analysis as I work from Pittsburgh.
“If you can have results to me in ten days, that would be good. Any more questions?”
Blessedly, there aren’t any and I sign off after goodbyes where I paste a smile on my face. Once the camera’s off, I rub my eyes. They’re sore and gritty from a combination of crying and not sleeping well. I’ve been here in Van’s home going on my fifth day now and he hasn’t spoken a word to me in four. Granted, he’s been on a road trip to Los Angeles the last two days and is coming back tomorrow, but I don’t know the details because he hasn’t shared them with me. My texts go unanswered and the only way I knew he was traveling for games was to look up the actual team schedule online.
He’s so fucking frustrating and I’m running out of ideas. All my attempts to provoke him go unanswered. He’s mastered the ability to ignore and avoid, often staying away from the house until it’s time to go to bed and then leaving first thing in the morning. I’m still sleeping on the couch, just so I can catch a glimpse of him. I cook every night but he refuses to eat my food.
I’m lonely and miserable and about to give up. Last night I went over to Anna and Malik’s house because the isolation is getting to me. I knew I’d have to hear Malik’s disgruntlement over my attempts to get Van turned around, but it was worth it to have some company.
“Jesus, you look like shit, Simone,” he’d said when he opened the door and just before pulling me into him for a hug.
“Feel like it too,” I admitted as I ran my fingers through my hair. It hit on tangles and I wasn’t even sure I’d brushed it after my shower that morning.
Anna was next to hug me as she held Avery on her hip, and then I pulled my niece away from her because kids always make me happy.
But it also made me sad, too, because I’m starting to understand that Van probably isn’t going to be a part of our baby’s life. It’s one of only a million worries I have about being pregnant and the current state of disaster that is our marriage. It’s been weighing on me so heavily that I also broke down last night and told Anna.
It was a spur-of-the-moment decision and I probably wouldn’t have done it had Van at least been engaging me somewhat. But I’m overwhelmed by the solitude and desperation, and I need someone to understand fully what’s going on with me. While I love Malik to the moon and back, I needed a woman on my side.
Malik had gone to put Avery down to sleep and I purged everything to Anna. Her eyes got wider and wider and nearly bugged out when I told her I was pregnant, but God, it felt good to let that secret out. We didn’t have much time to talk about it because Malik would be returning shortly, but she hugged me hard and promised she had my back. I extracted a promise from her not to tell Malik and she had no qualms about it.
“Have you seen a doctor yet to find out how far along you are?” she asked, and I nearly burst into tears.
I admitted that I didn’t want to go until Van could be by my side.
