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“I’m tired of fighting, Simone.” Van scrubs his hands over his face and I’ve never heard him sound more defeated. Even when all the shit went down three years ago with his dad, he never sounded this beaten down. “I’m tired of worrying about you. I’m tired of people asking me about my father. I’m tired of everything.”
It occurs to me at this moment that ever since the book came out, Van and I have done nothing but fight. Heated arguments, yelling bouts and periods of cold silence. I’m not sure if we ever actually had a calm discussion.
I move to sit beside him on the bed and I take one of his hands in mine. “Tell me everything that’s in your heart right now and I’ll only listen. No fighting.”
Van looks at me and I see all the love there. It’s not something he has to prove to me. “I can’t begin to describe to you what this is like for me. You know the facts, but you don’t know the feelings. The things he wrote in that book…”
“You read it?” I ask in horror. Why would he do that to himself?
Van nods, gaze going down to the carpet. “I read enough and I want to vomit when I think about every person who read that book, and they’re wondering… did I stick my hand in that nest and crush those eggs? Was I a little killer in the making? Did I kill the neighborhood cats and was I really a chip off the old block?”
“No one would ever believe that, Van. That book comes across as nothing but lies. You have a successful career, a family who loves you and a network of friends who know the real you.”
“There are many who will want to believe it, baby. Many do believe it and wonder if I’m a monster hiding in plain sight. We live in a world where people want to believe the worst about others. Reporters are always going to ask me about this and it’s never going away.”
Van rises from the bed, but not to leave the room. He turns to face me, tucking his hands in his pockets. “I’ve got this recurring waking nightmare… I think about it all the time. I imagine we have a kid… a daughter, because that’s what I want first. And she comes home from her first day of school, and you and I are waiting for her to get off the bus. But instead of her running toward us with smiles, she’s crying, because some kid at school told her that her grandpa was a serial killer.” Van’s voice cracks and he shakes his head. “I just can’t do it. I suffered through it myself as a kid, but I was lucky. Etta took me away and gave me a new name, a new life. Our kids can’t escape it, so I have to do the next best thing and refuse to bring children into this freak show. And I know you’ve said you can do without children to stay with me, but I can’t do that to you, Simone. You are built to love and there are some lucky souls out there just waiting to be born so you can be their mother. I can’t let you give that up. I won’t let you give that up.”
This is the point where I normally would argue with him, but for once, I’m not going to. I want him to know I hear him. That I understand.
I push up from the bed and move to my husband. I don’t care if he likes it or not, but I press into his body and wrap my arms around him for a hug. I turn my cheek and press it to his chest. “I’m sorry, baby. I wish I could make that all better for you and I know I can’t.”
And for the first time since we separated, Van touches me with care and tenderness. He accepts my empathy. He wraps his arms around me and reciprocates the hug.
It doesn’t last long… only seconds, but it makes up for that shitty sex we just had. And it gives me hope.
But he does pull away and when he does, I don’t like the look on his face. “I’m going to move into a hotel.”
“Why?” I exclaim, panic taking over.
“Because I can’t be near you and stay true to my convictions. You’re too much of a temptation and I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about the fact that you represent too much hope and honestly, babe… it hurts to have it right now. I just want to be done with this.” Van turns for the door but before he walks out, he says, “You know I love you, right?”
“I know.”
“It’s because I love you so much that I’m doing this.”
“It’s a mistake,” I whisper.
He glances back at me. “It’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
Van slips out the door and I sit on the bed. My mind is already spinning… processing everything that happened tonight. Surely there is something I’m missing… some logical piece of information that will help me change his mind.
I know that Van thinks he just laid down the law, but I can’t give up yet. There has to be a way to save my marriage.
Or the alternative, I need to let him go and hope he can figure it out on his own.
CHAPTER 14
Van
The Cold Furyare already on the ice for pregame warmups when the Titans step out. I follow Boone, skating in a clockwise circle on our half of the arena. Rob Zombie’s “Dragula” blares and fans line up at the glass behind the net with signs that say “Drake… I want to have your baby” and “Titans Don’t Puck Around.”
I skate slowly, my legs already limber and warm from riding a stationary bike and doing stretches a bit ago. Eventually, our team lines up for two-on-one drills, lobbing easy pucks at Drake to get him in the zone.
As I stand at the rear of the left-hand line near center ice, someone bumps me hard in the back. I turn to see Lucas standing there.
Even though I was with his sister for three years, two of which we’ve been married, Lucas is the one brother who never fully warmed up to me. He’s genial enough at family gatherings but I don’t know that he’s ever forgiven me for the fact that I started seeing his baby sister right under his nose while we lived in the same house. This, despite the fact that his sister is the one who relentlessly came on to me.
From the very start, she was unrelenting in her flirting. She made comments about the way I looked or how I acted that threw me off because there was nothing coy about how she did it. She called it like she saw it.
