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I’m shocked by that number because Van is kind of frugal. Despite having millions from his hockey career, he doesn’t spend money in flashy ways. Still, it’s adorable that he seems chagrined about it.
“How about you tell me why you’re here.”
“Obviously, because I came to my senses. Max told me I would and I did.”
I didn’t know Max had talked to Van. “What in the world did he say to you that I haven’t over the last few weeks to make you decide to stop being a moron?”
Van shakes his head and moves around the coffee table to sit next to me. He shifts on his hip to angle my way. “He didn’t say anything in particular. Just told me things would work out. It was Drake who made things clear to me.”
My face puckers in confusion. “Drake?”
“Yeah… I went with him and Boone to the children’s hospital this morning, visited with the sick kids—which, as a side note, was absolutely gut-wrenching—but we went out for beers after.”
There’s no helping the soft hum from my throat. The thought of Van visiting sick kids makes me a gooey mess inside. He hears it and smiles gently, reaching out to take my hand. I don’t pull away, instead letting him cradle my fingers as he continues to talk. “Drake’s ex-wife is an addict and apparently, it’s been pretty tough on his boys. I don’t know exactly how old they are, but I saw them once at the arena and they’re young. Like seven or so. Anyway, they’ve seen some shit with her.”
“Poor kiddos,” I coo, wanting to wrap them in a hug. Drake as well.
“Yeah… poor kiddos, except… they’re well-adjusted and happy.”
Now I see where he’s going with this. “You saw firsthand that kids can face tough things and come out just fine.”
“Sort of. I mean, yes… it was validating to hear his advice and he assured me kids are resilient and need transparency and honesty and guidance and with all of that, they can handle all kinds of things. But I had a different sort of epiphany.”
I tilt my head. “What’s that?”
Van’s gaze falls away from me and he rubs his jaw. I feel the guilt radiating off him and I squeeze the hand still entwined with mine. “Van?”
When he turns his regard back to me, his expression is awash with shame. “My epiphany is that I wasn’t trying to spare my future children from the pain of my past… I think I was really wanting to spare myself. I didn’t see how I could do it. How I could protect them and be a good dad. It felt… insurmountable and I felt weak. I never had a father figure, so I didn’t think I had it in me to do right by them.”
“Oh,” I murmur, glancing down at where our hands are connected. I had not expected that at all. My head lifts. “But you’re not weak. You’re one of the strongest, most accomplished people I know. You overcame a horrific childhood to become an incredibly successful, kind and loving man. You can do anything you set your mind to, baby.”
Van nods. “Yeah… I know. I mean, I’m scared, but you’re right. I know I can do this. That was my secondary epiphany after acknowledging my true fear… that I can do this, and with you by my side, it won’t be as scary. Drake said it’s hard work, but I can do what it takes.”
I nod in agreement, but still… Van’s first inclination was to push me away. To abandon our dreams of having kids and I tell him this. “You didn’t even try to figure this out with me. You left me.”
“And therein lies the true problem… can you forgive me for it? I did it to you once before and I can’t one hundred percent guarantee I won’t get freaked out again in the future. But the one thing you have to remember, never did I stop loving you. I once told you that I’d never love another soul the way I love yours and that holds true today. If you kick me out of here right now, it will be true in fifty years. Even if you marry someone else and have kids with them, I’ll love you until my dying day.”
A small breath wafts out of my mouth, but the rest of the air seems trapped in my lungs.
Van leans into me, cups my cheek. “Please say you forgive all the ways I hurt you. Please say you love me the way I love you. Most of all, please tell me that you still want a life with me and that you want to have babies and we can raise them to be strong, fierce children who can handle anything.”
Van’s eyes are lasered onto mine, his body tensed for me to push him away. Instead, I say, “I’m pregnant.”
I watch him carefully because this is where I’ll know for sure just how committed he is.
For what seems like forever, his expression is as unyielding as a sculpture. But then something beautiful and miraculous happens. The change is subtle at first… a muscle in his jaw twitches and the corners of his mouth lift as if he’s undecided between a smile and a frown. His brows draw inward as he processes those two words I just uttered. Then a spark ignites, dancing across his gorgeous blue irises, and his pupils dilate as if trying to absorb the news I just handed over.
That uncertain smile gets bigger, tentative at first until it takes over his entire face. Relief and joy radiate, but his eyes soften with wonder as he glances down toward my belly. I pull his hand and place his palm there.
“We have a baby in there?” he asks in wonder, his voice cracking with emotion.
My heart melts. “We do.”
“When?” he asks, then his eyes fly up with fear shining brightly over something new he’s considered. “The accident? Is it okay?”
“The baby’s fine. They did an ultrasound at the hospital.”
“Oh God, Simone.” Van falls forward onto me, laying his head in my lap, and while I can’t see his face, I can hear the tears in his voice. “I should have been there for you. I should have been by your side every step of the way.”
