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I swallow, thinking about how badly I’ve messed this up, about how I lost my job, thinking about my cousin and how she can’t rely on me, and about my aunt. “I don’t think so.”
“I’d like to know what made you so upset, if you’re willing to share it.”
“I don’t know where to start,” I admit.
“Start from the beginning.”
“I got bad news yesterday. A lot of it actually.”
“What kind of bad news?” he asks, his elbows on the table, his hands folded under his chin, entirely focused on me.
I want to tell him. I want him to know everything. I don’t care if he fixes it or not, I just want him to know. I don’t know what’s going to happen between us, but I do know that if I don’t tell him, I’ll wonder what he would have said. I’ll wonder what would have happened after this moment.
“Well. It turns out that my boss is an asshole.Wasan asshole, I mean.” I dab the corner of my eyes.
His forehead furrows. “Was?”
“I mean...” I wave my wine glass at him. “He didn’t die. He’s just not my boss anymore. I got fired because I told him to stop yelling at one of the other assistants. It was…” It hits me, maybe for the first time, how silly that whole thing was. Why would I have wanted to work there, anyway? I’d have come to that conclusion sooner or later, and I’d have had to find another job. “It was just not a good situation. But I worked so hard to get the job in the first place that it felt like a total disaster.”
“Anyone would be upset about that.”
“That’s not all.” I let out a sigh and a frown deepens in my expression. “My cousin called on the way home with more bad news.”
Graham stays quiet and patient.
“She’s struggled with student loans for a long time. I love her so much, and I’ve always done all I can to help her, but when my ex left, I couldn’t help and it really screwed her over. She can’t afford it on her own and I told her I’d be there for her. I promised her because I thought…well because I didn’t know my fiancé was cheating on me. I thought that if I could get a job, I’d be in a position to make things easier. But she called yesterday, just after I’d been let go, and I snapped at her. I told her to figure it out for herself.”
“I’m sure, given time...she can’t blame you for that.”
“Well, she also told me that my aunt is sick.” This is the part that feels the worst to talk, or think, about. “I called her today. Complications from cancer treatment. I spent the night texting her and then my aunt. It’s treatable but…they can’t afford it. She can’t get the medicine she needs because she has so much medical debt already, and insurance is a nightmare, and…”
He looks across the table at me, nothing but concern in his face. My first thought it that I hope he doesn’t think I’m lying. That I’m trying to use him. “I want you to know that I don’t expect anything from you. This isn’t…” Tears blur my eyes at the thought of him thinking I would lie to him. That I would use him for money. “This is exactly why I couldn’t…” I start to say and his chair groans against the floor as he pushes it out to come to me. He sits closer, his arm around me and telling me it’s all right. All the while I’m falling to rubbish all over again.
“I know I couldn’t have fixed all of it, but yesterday, it felt like I couldn’t fix anything. And I wanted to. That’s why I was so upset. Then, when you came to my apartment, I was...”
Graham presses his lips together, like he’s stopping himself from interrupting.
“I was ashamed,” I finally manage. “I was ashamed to let you see me like that. Because in the beginning of all this, I felt like our deal was giving me a little control over my life.”
“I understand.”
“Do you? And I was ashamed because I already feel like I’m using you.”
“How could you possibly be using me?” he asks.
“For the money…like degrading myself for—”
“Do you find being with me degrading?” he cuts me off to ask.
My face gets twice as hot. “No. I don’t. I liked what we did together, and even more than that, I liked spending time with you. Your friends…I was so happy to meet your friends. That meant a lot to me.”
“But?”
“But when I got fired, all I could think is that you’re going to think less of me. That…” I can’t even get the words out because they all scream in my head telling me to shut up and that I’m making it worse. And that I’m going to lose him.
“I don’t want you to think I’m coming to you because I’m desperate and need money.”
Graham’s quiet for a minute, looking down at his plate. Then he looks back up at me.
