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He backs up a few inches after I grab them from him and his shoulders slump in defeat. “I didn’t mean to make you upset, and I was waiting for the right time to tell you, but this is what I want to do, Dad.”
“You just-” I start and take in a shaky breath. “You need to give me some time to think about it. It’s a dangerous sport to get into and I’d hate for anything bad to happen to you, especially under my watch.”
He nods in understanding and backs out of the kitchen slowly, then walks carefully upstairs and into his room.
What would Renee say if she were here? Would she let him risk his health for something like this, or would she try to convince him to think of a different future? I’d like to think she’d be on the same page as me, but I know her too well for that. She would be the one in the stands cheering him on at each and every derby along the way, smiling proudly at our son.
She would never force him to do something different, especially if he was so hellbent on doing it. If I told him he couldn’t, would he still find a way to do it anyway? I’d rather him do it with me knowing about it, than going behind my back and I never know he gets hurt. The idea of police cars pulling into the driveway one day to let me know he’s been airlifted to the hospital has a wave of panic fluttering in my chest.
Could I really let him do it?
There’s no letting him, if I’m honest — he’s eighteen, if it’s what he really wants to do, he will end up doing it regardless of what I say. So, it’s either I accept the path he’s chosen to go on, or I don’t support him in it. Something tells me that Renee would be screaming at me to support him. Hell, I’m sure she’s already screaming at me now, trying her hardest to make her voice heard.
I close my eyes, trying to imagine what she would look like standing in front of me, and I’m caught off guard when she’s not the one I see. Sydney’s standing in front of me instead, encouraging me to let Nathan do it and learn from mistakes along the way. He’ll either end up as one of the best, or he’ll get injured badly enough that he’ll see the danger of it and change course.
Is this Renee’s way of approving? Can she sense the feelings I’m having for Sydney and is trying to let me know that it’s okay? It’s something that she would do, for sure, but I’m not sure I can bring myself to accept the feelings. Not when I felt so strongly for Renee and I never thought I’d be able to find something like that again. This thing with Sydney feels different though, adventurous, and thrilling.
Nathan’s door is partly open when I walk upstairs, the light shining through the small crack, and I knock lightly to catch his attention. He’s sitting at his desk when I push the door open, headphones hanging from his ears as he drums his pencil along to whatever song is playing. I inch closer to him and place my hand on his shoulder, my heart falling to my ass when he jerks around out of instinct.
“Jesus, Dad,” he says breathlessly. “Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”
I clear my throat and give him an apologetic smile. “Sorry. Think we could talk for a minute?”
He nods and closes whatever book had his attention moments ago, then comes over to his bed and sits with me on the edge of it. “What’s up?”
“Is this really what you want to do?” I ask, wanting to make sure he’s thought long and hard about it.
“It is.” It’s a quick response, no amount of hesitation, and it has my heart thumping wildly in my chest.
“If it’s what you want to do, you have my full support. Under one condition though, Nathan.” I look at him, hoping he sees the concern and fear in my gaze, and say, “If you get injured too badly, I want you to promise me you won’t go back to it.”
“I can do that,” he says, although there’s a sadness seeping into his gaze at the words and it tugs at my heart. I can manage to let him do this, but I can’t let all of my fears go like this. If he wants to be able to live with this future, he also has to be willing to make compromises for me.
“Okay, glad we could work that out. I’m heading to bed early tonight, if you get hungry just put something into the oven because I sent the chef home early today.”
He nods in response, then pushes the buds back into his ears and nods his head along to the song crooning through the tiny speakers.
I give him one last lingering look, wondering where the hell my little boy has gone, then shut the door behind me. It seems like it was only yesterday that he was rushing out onto the field outside, wanting to throw a baseball around the yard, or learn the ropes of the ranch. He’s grown quickly and it’s hard to believe that eighteen years have come and gone as fast as they did.
This seven-pound baby that loved falling asleep on my chest has turned into a fine young man, even without a mother to be here for him, and it hurts to know he doesn’t need me like that anymore. He’s an adult now, ready to take on a world of his own, and I need to be by his side through all of that.
There’s a heaviness lingering in the air as I push my way into the bedroom and strip out of my clothes. I breathe a sigh of relief when I curl under the blankets, closing my eyes as the exhaustion takes over, and my mind conjures up images of Sydney. She’s been here twice now, soon to be three times, and I know nothing about her.
Maybe it’s about time that changes.
I’m going to make it my mission when she gets here again in a couple of months to spend time with her, show her around the property since no one has done that for her yet. The snow should be starting soon, maybe she’ll get here in enough time to go ice skating on the small lake.
Who am I kidding? After the way I treated her, there’s no way she’ll give me the time of day.
There’s only one way to find out, Brent. You’ve got to try.
Chapter 12
Sydney
The leaves are long gone from all the trees as I make my way up the long driveway leading to the ranch and it saddens me to know how fast fall came and went. When I get to the top of the hill, coming to a stop in front of the main house, I’m surprised to find Brent sitting on the front steps.
His head snaps up as my tires crunch over the gravel, the intensity from his eyes making my heart beat frantically in my chest. I cut the engine, jumping when I catch sight of Nathan standing next to the car, and I give him a smile as he walks to the trunk for my bags.
