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I knew before it even happened that sharing a heated night with her would change everything, so it wasn’t much of a surprise that I was grumpier than normal right after she left. Nathan set me straight though, telling me that I needed to man up and realize that she has another life, but that she’ll come back like she always does.
Except, there’s this sinking feeling in my stomach that won’t seem to go away. Like everything around us is going to come crashing down and ruin whatever it is that’s going on between Sydney and me. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, but I’ve chosen to ignore it instead of dwelling on it — I have much more pressing matters to worry about, like figuring out how to gather the money for this rebuild.
“I know it took a minute, and I’m still getting used to it, but I just wanted to say I’m proud of you.”
Nathan smiles brightly at my praise, then averts his gaze and looks back toward the guest house. “You miss her?”
I sigh. “I do and I’m not sure what that means.”
“Dad, I’ve watched you with her. Even when she’s not paying attention, your eyes are always on her, and there’s this look in them I can only describe as love.” He clears his throat and cocks his head to the side. “Do you love her, Dad?”
Is it possible to love someone when you’ve only been around them a handful of times? His question has me thinking too much right now, so instead of answering him, I lift from my spot on the steps and blow out a rough breath. “I’ll get back to you on that one.” Before he can question me any further, I push through the front door and head into the kitchen to see what we can have to eat today.
Will things be different when Sydney comes next month?
That sinking feeling I was getting earlier comes back full force and I have to take a seat on the couch with a deep breath. If she comes back, I’m not sure it will be for anything good and that has me worrying. I’ve grown attached to having her here even though I knew eventually she would stop coming around, but it never quite sank in until now.
Nathan walks through the front door and stops in front of me. “Want me to make dinner tonight?”
I shake my head and sigh. “Nah, I’ll handle it.” The least I can do is try to occupy my mind and get it off Sydney, even though I’ve been dreaming of the way her blonde hair fell over my chest our last night together.
It doesn’t matter that she’s miles away from me, I can still hear the moans as I brought her to release and I’ve never craved a sound so much in my life. I’d give anything to have her here in front of me, begging me to give her more, but unfortunately, that’s not how this life works.
Watching her drive away two months ago left me feeling empty in a way I haven’t felt for a really long time and it took every ounce of energy not to chase her car down and beg her to stay.
Would she if I had asked her to?
I’m not even sure if she feels the same connection as I do. Even if she's given in to the sexual tension, that doesn’t mean there’s anything more there for her, and that only makes a frown deepen on my face. Is it possible that I’m not feeling anything and only hoping that it’s there?
No.
I’d know if what I was feeling was simple attraction, and that’s not what this is. I’ve spent many days since she’s been gone wondering what it would be like to have her here constantly, imagining what it would look like if she were standing in my kitchen every morning drinking a cup of coffee while enjoying the view. Would we have the same kind of routine that Renee and I had?
No one could ever replace the love that Renee and I had for each other, but the idea of another routine with someone else sends a wave of warmth flowing through me — I miss having someone else keeping me company, and all it took was a few interactions with Sydney to get me there.
It’s late when I walk through my room, eyes roaming over the empty bed just like they do every night. What would Sydney be wearing if she were here right now? I imagine it would be something silky, maybe a dark blue to bring out the color of her eyes, and it would barely cover her frame.
How would it feel to be able to turn in the middle of the night and wrap my arm around her, pulling her snug against my chest? We’d wake up early in the morning, legs tangled together like a pretzel, and we’d start our day off in the most glorious way. I’d sink into her delicious heat, listening to her intake of breath and laugh when she tried to move her face away from mine because of her morning breath — little does she know, I wouldn’t care one bit about it.
Everything about her is beautiful.
The way she smiles at Nathan when talking to him, befriending him so easily when most people would be against someone with a child. When I first saw Sydney, I didn’t strike her as someone who would have relations with a single dad. At first, I assumed she was one of those snotty city girls who think she’s better than everyone around her, but I couldn’t have been further from the truth.
It wasn’t my plan to get to know her and crave to be around her, not in the least, and that’s exactly what happened. I loved Renee with everything I had, more than I ever did anyone else, and I never thought I’d be able to love another woman the way I did her — until Sydney showed up and blew up my life. My mind replays the question Nathan asked me, the one I didn’t want to answer at first, but now I can’t deny the answer.
Love is something I thought only happened once in a lifetime and that’s what I had with Renee, no doubt about that, but it’s clear that a second love is out there. Renee would want me to be happy and I think she’d approve of Sydney bringing back that happiness. It’s crazy to think that my feelings have grown this much with only being around her a few times in almost a year, but isn’t that what love is?
It’s consuming and it forces you to act out, be someone you never thought you would be. When I was with Renee, I went from being this party guy to someone who would rather sit inside on a weekend night and enjoy the outdoors or watch a movie. But with Sydney, I’m turning possessive and it’s something I’ve never really felt before.
I knew Renee was with other men when we met, but it never made me jealous that other men’s hands were on her. Even when only thinking about it in relation to Sydney, my blood boils with unwanted jealousy and I want to make sure every guy that looks her way knows she’s mine. That's the thing about this newfound relationship she and I seem to have though — she’s not mine, not really, and maybe she doesn’t want to be in the first place.
What if I’m the only one feeling my heart crack every time she pulls away from my house?
I’m sure there’s attraction there, considering our times together, but what if it’s nothing more than a way for her to pass the time while she’s coming here? She’s here to get a break from work, what better way to do that than getting under someone? Jesus, I sound like an ass judging her, but I’m going to go insane thinking about what’s running through her head.
What if Nathan and I aren’t enough, or too much for her? Maybe she’s fine being around Nathan for a little while, but doesn’t want the responsibility that comes with being in a relationship with me. Nathan might be eighteen, but that doesn’t mean he’s done being part of my life just because he’s old enough to move out. He’ll grow up to have kids that will always have a second home here. Is that what Sydney sees for her future?
The idea of her walking around, tending to grandkids as they run around the house, brings a smile to my face I wasn’t prepared for. I let it drop immediately — I’d rather not get this insane idea in my head when I don’t know where hers is in the matter.
