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“Then what are you laughing at?”
“You,” I said teasingly.
“Oh, that’s nice. Laugh at the guy trying to help you.”
“Come on, it’s not like that. It’s just, you get this little crinkle in your forehead whenever you start worrying about me. And when you get it, I know I’m going to get a lecture about how important it is that I pass this class. At this point, I’m pretty sure you care more about it than I do and my entire future rests on it.”
Quin looked at me for a second and then relaxed and laughed.
“Okay. I guess I’ve gotten a little intense about it,” Quin admitted.
“A little?”
“Just a little,” he insisted. “But it’s that I want this for you. You’ve spent your life working towards this one thing. I can’t be the one responsible for you not getting it.”
I looked into Quin’s worried eyes and stepped towards him. Gripping his shoulders in either hand, I squeezed.
“Quin, that is so sweet of you. I’m not sure anyone in my life cares about me more. But, you have to know, if I don’t get what I’ve been working for, you won’t be to blame. Everything I do and have done, has been my choice. You are simply the angel sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear trying to get me to do the right thing. I thank you for that.”
“I just want you to get everything you deserve. You’re so close.”
I let go of Quin and scanned the campus quad through the window of the study hall.
“I want it too, but I feel like I’m burning the candle on both ends. Between school and football, and watching over my dad, I can barely breathe.”
“What’s wrong with your dad?” Quin asked concerned.
“What’s not wrong with him?” I said searching my mind for what I could tell him that could explain it. “He just needs me around a lot. That’s all.”
“If it helps, maybe we could meet at your place,” Quin said hesitantly and with a hint of something else in his eyes.
When he looked at me like that, I usually lost all resistance. As much as I wanted to return our sessions to somewhere where we could be alone, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to subject him to my life. He didn’t talk much about it, but everything about him told me that he came from a stable home and money. My life was exactly the opposite.
I liked him thinking of me as the famous football player without a care in the world. I liked it when everyone did because the truth was so far from that fantasy. I didn’t know if I was ready for Quin to see me for who I was.
“I’ll think about it,” I told him.
“Why not just say yes?” He asked softly.
It suddenly felt like this wasn’t just a request to change our venue. This somehow felt like he was asking me to… I don’t know, choose him, or something.
“I’ll think about it. But, I’m here now. Maybe we should get to work?”
Quin’s request haunted me for the rest of the night. Was I reading too much into it? I didn’t think so. He had asked me why I didn’t just say yes. It was a great question.
It was like two worlds were clawing at me. The first was the one I had known my whole life. It included my dad, Tasha, football fame, and a huge payday. The other included Quin, happiness, and a life I couldn’t begin to imagine.
Would choosing a life with Quin mean I would have to give up playing in the NFL? It was hard to tell. I had heard of a few ex-players coming out as bisexual. But as far as I knew, there were no current players who had.
And, if I did come out, what was I supposed to come out as. At least gay was acceptable. Everyone cheers for the gay guy who pushes against societal pressure and overcomes. Who cheers when someone comes out as bisexual? No one. And, that’s what I would be, wouldn’t I?
I’m not foolish enough to believe that because Quin makes me tingle unlike anyone has before, that all of the feelings I had for girls growing up meant nothing. Sure, I’ve been drawn to guys before Quin, but that didn’t change what I thought about Tasha when we first met.
The reason I’m questioning my future with her isn’t because I’m questioning my interest in women. It’s because I’m questioning if Tasha and I work together. She clearly wants to spend more time with her best friend than she does me. And, now that Quin has shown me how it feels to be cared about, I’m wondering if what Tasha is offering me is enough.
Who’s going to champion that struggle. What organization is going to offer me an award for having the courage to acknowledge that? And, without society pushing back on the NFL, what team is going to invite a person like me into their showers?
So, choosing the world with Quin in it does feel like giving up on football which also means giving up on having a father. Because, I can’t be sure how the NFL would react to an openly bisexual player. But I can be sure how my father would react to a son who doesn’t make it to the NFL.
