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“Would it be too much to say that life is never as good without you?” I asked.
“It wouldn’t be too much. Maybe a lot, though.”
“In that case, life has been swell. I’ve especially liked watching Brad miss passes I know you could make.”
“Sounds fun.”
“What about you? How have you been?”
“Regretful. Remorseful. There’s been a lot of second-guessing myself.”
“Sounds fun.”
“It’s been a blast,” he replied with sadness in his tone. “I don’t mean to keep running away. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. I get this feeling like I can’t breathe and all I want is space.”
“Have you been working on that?” I asked hesitatively.
“When I was home, I had a few conversations with Kendall.”
“Isn’t he Nero’s boyfriend?”
“Yeah. How did you know?”
“I met him at game night. Wasn’t he a therapist or something?”
“He’s studying to be.”
“What did he say?”
“He said I was an idiot for not locking you down immediately.”
“He sounds like a very wise man.”
“He had been drinking at the time, so I’m not sure it was his best advice. But when he was sober, he told me to be kind to myself. He said I shouldn’t expect more from myself than I do from others. When he said it, I realized he was a crazy person, but we’re going to continue talking anyway.”
“That’s good. Maybe I should talk to someone.”
“About what? You’re perfect.”
I turned around and looked at Claude, shocked. “Did you just compliment me? Like, give me a real compliment unprompted? My god, therapy’s working. Are you gonna outgrow me?”
“That’s the plan. That way I can trade up for a healthier, more stable person who looks just like you. Because obviously, you’re my type.”
I looked at him frustrated. “There he is. The man I love,” I said sarcastically.
I put my head back on his chest. After a moment, in a vulnerable voice, he said, “I love you too.”
Had he just said that? I panicked. When I had said it, I was joking. We always joked like that. Had he taken it seriously?
I mean, I loved him. Of course, I did. I had loved him forever. But there was a big difference between telling him that I used to be in love with him, acting like I’m in love with him, and actually saying I love him while doing the loving.
How was I supposed to respond? Perhaps any response would have been better than how I did, which was with silence.
God damn, was I a mess. This was Claude, the man of my dreams. There was a time when I would cry at night hoping to hear what I just had. Yet, I couldn’t say it back. What was wrong with me?
Luckily, Claude didn’t jump out of bed and run. It seemed that my particular brand of crazy wasn’t what triggered him. Thank God for that. And, if I were really quiet for the rest of the night, maybe he would let me fall asleep in his arms without reminding me of how awful I was.
That wasn’t quite what happened, but what did happen wasn’t bad. After what felt like forever, he asked me if I wanted to change. I told him that I was trying. But he had been talking about my clothes. That broke the tension.
