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“Yes, my mother in high school and my father my senior year of college.”
“Are you close with either of their families? Aunts, uncles, grandparents?”
“Both grandparents passed when I was younger and my father was an only child. My mother has two brothers who I don’t see much. They never had kids so no cousins. I call to check on them sometimes. We’re as close as distant families can be.”
“It’s just you then.” I felt unease knowing Jhorie was essentially alone. She had her best friend, on another coast, and they were close but not having family meant she was alone.
Or had been. Now she had me.
“Pretty much but family is overrated,” she joked but I could see the longing in her eyes. She wanted a family no matter how overrated they tended to be.
“Is that why you want this so badly?”
“The community gave me a lot. It wasn’t perfect but it was enough. I want this because I feel like I should do my part giving back since I’m capable.”
I shook my head gently. “That’s not what I’m asking. I know why you accepted the job and are willing to do the work. You were very clear in that aspect. What I’m asking is if not having your parents and extended family is why you want one of your own.”
“I… Well… Yes, but I’m not trying to fill some void, Omari. I deserve to be loved and it’s what I want. I also know I’m very capable of giving love. The way you love your spouse and children cannot compare to anything in the world, it’s an honor and it’s beautiful. My parents showed me that with how they loved each other and how they loved me. This is not about being alone but I will admit I don’t want to be.”
“I can respect your reasons.”
“You say that you want to be married again. I know the first time didn’t work so why do you want to try again?”
I considered the question, there were several reasons. One being the woman across from me. After experiencing Jhorie how could I not want to give her every piece of me in hopes that she would do the same. But more importantly, the reason was simple.
“I have always been the option, the alternate. Living in that space does terrible things to you. It tests your confidence and patience. It challenges your ability to fully embrace your worth because there’s always a small voice surfacing, making you doubt, even if only a little.”
“You can't possibly expect me to believe that you don’t believe you’re worthy or you have insecurities about not being enough for anyone.”
“Everyone has insecurities, Jhorie. Mine are likely no different than yours but I’ve never been allowed to give into mine. The world my family exists in doesn’t allow for weakness. I’ve had to be the strength that grounds and holds my family together when it comes to business because Elias didn’t want it and Lucas didn’t live long enough to be considered for the role. I’ve done so with no complaints. I will always give everything I am if it means those I love are happy, healthy, and cared for. But being the strength for so many means I have to choose them over myself. I openly accept my role but that doesn’t mean I don’t want someone to choose me.”
My brother and I weren’t all that different with a lot of things, especially the damage done by our fucked up parents. I’d also had the luxury of being rejected by my wife. So with my brother and me, the simplest things mattered.
Elias needed to be seen, Cress provided that. I needed to be chosen. I wanted Jhorie to be for me what Cress was to my brother. I felt she could. I felt shewould. But I was hesitant about trusting…
As Jhorie stared back at me, her expression softened in a way that relaxed the twisting taking place in my chest. Strength meant not being allowed to be vulnerable. If you weren’t strong, you were weak, but Jhorie didn’t see weakness or at least I didn’t feel she did.
“It must be exhausting being the solution to everyone’s problems.”
“At times yes but that’s who I am. It’s what I am.”
“Because you don’t trust anyone else to do it.”
“I trust you.”
“Why?”
“Because you want me to and anything you want will be yours. Even the things I’ve never been comfortable relinquishing to anyone else.”
“You make this feel easy andpossible. I believe it can be, which is a little scary.”
“Because what we both want is very much possible. The reason you feel conflicted is because you’re processing with your head not your heart. It’s perfectly okay to accept what you feel and lean into those emotions.” Her eyes narrowed and I added, “And before you overthink what I’m saying, I’m not acknowledging what’s between us right now as love, but it can be if you allow yourself to be open to the possibility.”
“And it’s that simple for you?”
“This time it has to be. I’ve done complicated, Jhorie. There’s enough other shit in my life that falls in that same category. I want simple. I want you.”
She stared at me for a long moment and offered a slow, teasing smile. “But not in the crazy I’m going to have you regardless of what you want kinda way, right? Because that’s a little scary. And I don’t know if I’m built for that.”
