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I couldn’t settle my mind enough to sleep which meant I had been lying in bed for the past few hours staring at the ceiling. Jhorie had been out for a while now. I’d canceled the meeting I had no chance in hell of productively surviving, then we spent the remainder of the night in bed, going over plans for the initiative until I took a call which kept me for half an hour. When I returned, she was fast asleep.
I eased her laptop from the bed, tucked the covers around Jhorie, and climbed in next to her. Not even her presence was enough to settle me tonight, so I found myself throwing back the bedding and on my way to the gym after grabbing a pair of shorts and running shoes.
My goal was to go a few rounds with the heavy bag but as soon as I stepped into the gym and found Elias—sitting on one of the weight benches leaning over his thighs with a towel draped over his head—my plans changed.
“How long you been down here?” I asked and leaned against the wall, slipping my hands into the pockets of my shorts. Elias slowly lifted his head, yanking at the towel, dragging over his head and down his face before his eyes met mine.
“A few hours and before you ask, I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“I know I don’t have to. Your wife more than efficiently handles the role of your guardian, Elias, but I’m your brother. Your blood. I’m always going to worry about you.”
His eyes flickered slightly then narrowed. “You don’t have to clean up her mess, Ez. There isn’t a gotdamn thing she can say that will change how I feel about you. Nothing she can tell me will change what I know to be true about you, about us.”
“And what is our truth, Elias?”
“That they never gave a damn about me, you did. Anything that happened is because I am your brother, your blood. I don’t have to like the decisions you made, but I respect the position I put you in. I respect the way you accepted your role so I could be free of all of this.” He lifted his arms and opened them widely before dropping them back to his sides, his eyes never leaving mine. “But I do want to know why.”
“Why what?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“There was nothing to tell. You weren’t to blame and I stand on that. I’ve made this clear to you since the day we lost him. If I had disclosed everything that happened that night, it wouldn’t have changed a damn thing but it may have sent you down that dark road a lot faster.”
“You think I would have blamed you?”
“No…” I said with certainty. “What I know is you would have blamed yourself but for different reasons. You felt like you hadn’t protected Lucas because you didn’t prevent what happened. Had I told you all the details of that night, of those leading up to that night, you would have blamed yourself for being the reason Lucas was expected to marry Sasha. Blame is blame, Elias, and none of it should be yours. That is the only reason I didn’t tell you.”
He stared at me harshly for a long moment. “None of it should be yours either.”
“I know.”
“I wonder if you really do. You can’t control every aspect of our lives, Ez.”
“I know that shit too.” My expression was tense.
“Then you should also know you can’t make up for the things in our lives that you can’t control. You can’t carry the weight for that shit. I’ve always struggled with shit up here.” He pointed to his temple. “And like it or not, it forced you to have to take up my slack. Lucas tried but it was never gonna be him. It was always gonna be you and that shit did things to you. It made you become the person he wanted you to be. I fear sometimes you don’t even know who the fuck you are, Ez. Outside of all this shit…” He moved his hand in a circle. “Do you know who the fuck you are?”
“I’ve struggled with that same question for years but I know who I am, Lias. I’m your brother, your children’s uncle. I’m whatever the fuck I need to be in order for this family to exist and now…” My thoughts shifted to the reason I was so sure of who I was as of late. “I’m soon to be Jhorie’s husband. She’s the person who fucking sees me and I’ve needed that for so long. Now that I have it, I’m complete in ways I’ve never been before.”
Elias glared at me. “I see you, Ezekiel. I always have.”
I smirked and nodded. “I know and this is not about what you lack. Consider how your world shifted when you laid eyes on Cress. All the broken pieces came together, making you whole. Jhorie is that for me. I get it now. I’ve always been there for you but it wasn’t enough to settle that unease pulsing beneath the surface. Having Cress and your children, they’re enough, they give you what I never could and I need that too.”
“According to that big ass diamond on Jhorie’s finger, you’re gonna have all that.”
I lifted a hand from my pocket and brushed it over my head, smiling as I looked at my brother who wore a smug ass grin. An expression very similar to the one his wife held after Jhorie announced she and I were engaged. “Seems that way.”
“You love her?”
I was honest. The one promise he and I made was to never lie to each other. “No, but I will.”
“This side of things is really fucking good. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Not a gotdamn thing. If that’s how she makes you feel, I’m happy for you, Ez.”
He stood and crossed the room to leave but before he made it through the door, my eyes swung over to him. “Are we okay?”
Elias’s eyes remained on the door for a moment longer, then he had a hold on me. My brother hugged me, a rare feat, which provided so much depth and understanding. “We’re more than okay, Ez. We’re family. That’s all that fucking matters.”
A second later he was gone and I raked both hands down my face, letting my head fall back to the wall and closing my eyes. For the first time in years, I felt at peace. I left the gym, headed back up to my room, and eased into bed with my Jhorie. When I pulled her into me, she shifted, released a sigh, and settled back to sleep. I kissed her forehead and moments later, sleep found me.
