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“Not of you,” I admitted. “I was scared of my feelings for you.”
Her lips parted. “Your feelings for me?”
I let out a self-conscious grunt. “Yeah, I hadn’t realized what I felt for you until that night. I always thought you were just Jason’s little sister, but that night, I realized just how attracted I was to you. How much I wanted you. It was so intense, it terrified me.”
“Why didn’t you say anything to me? Why didn’t you ever come back?”
I rubbed at the back of my neck and shrugged. “I’m a coward, plain and simple. I thought if I came back, I wouldn’t be able to resist you, and I just…I couldn’t let that happen.”
“Because of Jason?” She rolled her eyes. “He might have been annoyed at first, but he’d have gotten over it. He loves you too much.”
“I know, you’re right,” I agreed. “It wasn’t that I was afraid of making Jason angry, not really. I was afraid of hurting you.”
“What are you talking about? How would you hurt me?”
I debated how honest I should be with her, but I’d already said so much that there really wasn’t any reason to hold back at that point.
“I’ve got issues, Sam,” I confessed. “Dark spots on my soul. I’m afraid I’ll turn cold and distant like my father, and you’d be just as miserable with me as I was growing up with him.”
Her expression turned sympathetic.
“I knew your dad wasn’t the easiest man to live with,” she said softly. “I didn’t realize you were that miserable, though.”
I gave her a self-deprecating half-smile and shrugged. “That was by design. I didn’t want anyone to know how hard it was. It wasn’t like he was abusive or anything. Just distant. Unfeeling. My mom died, and his ability to care for anything or anyone else went with her.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
I furrowed my brow and shook my head. “You have no reason to be sorry. Having a shitty dad isn’t an excuse for what I did to you. I’m so sorry. Really, I wish I could go back and change things…”
Sam shook her head, cutting me off. “Stop, don’t. Enough. I know you’re sorry. I’m not sure I’m fully ready to forgive you for everything, but I do appreciate your apology.”
I felt a small amount of relief at that. It was a step in the right direction, if nothing else.
Our food came out shortly after that, and we spent the rest of the dinner having light, pleasant conversation. When we were done, I paid our bill, and we left to go to my car. Before we reached it, though, I caught sight of the little park in the middle of the square.
As I wasn’t quite ready to end the evening, I turned to Sam and asked, “Do you want to walk for a bit?”
She stared at me a moment before nodding. “Sure. That sounds good.”
We turned and made our way over to the park. It was a clear night, and the sky was littered with stars. The park was softly lit by decorative streetlamps lining the pathway. It gave the whole area a peaceful, romantic atmosphere.
We walked for several minutes in silence. After everything I’d said during dinner, I wondered what she was thinking. She’d been more receptive to my apology than I’d anticipated, which gave me hope that we could finally move forward in some capacity. What that looked like, I still wasn’t sure, but I was happy it appeared we were making some progress.
“Thank you for your honesty earlier,” she suddenly said. “I really appreciate you telling me all that.”
I gave her a small grin. “It’s the least I owed you, really.”
She shrugged. “Still, it does give me a little bit of closure.”
Closure? I tensed at that word. It made it sound like she was closing things off between us. Shutting the door on our past and blocking off any possibility for a future. I tried not to let my gut-check reaction show.
“I’m glad I could provide that,” I said, nearly choking on the sentence. “Even if only a little bit.”
She chuckled softly. “I’m glad you asked me out tonight. This was good. I’ve been holding onto so much anger for so long. It’s honestly been exhausting.”
“Does that mean you’re able to let that anger go?”
She appeared thoughtful for a moment before sighing. “I’m not sure. I think there’s still plenty of anger that I need to work through, but I can at least acknowledge that you aren’t the same man you once were. I can tone down the hate a bit, I suppose.”
