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Thank you, universe. I didn’t think this day could get any more amazing. Sincerely, Gwen Daniels.
This is so gross and so devastating at the same time. I don’t know whether to cry or set my favorite pair of pink donut-printed socks on fire.
Instead, I suck in a breath, letting it encapsulate all the planned obscenities I’ve saved just for Scott, and charge forward, intent on kicking his bedroom door in, which I have no reservations about. He owes me.
I draw my leg back and let my socked foot plow forward into the white bedroom door, sending it swinging open with a crash against the wall.
It worked!
But sadly, there’s no time to relish in the victory of my epic accomplishment. I look from the door I just kicked and scan the room, only to find two very naked people scrambling on the bed in front of me.
The blonde, straddling my now ex, shrieks and covers her boobs while the douchebag in question lets out an equally feminine scream as he shoves her off and pulls the sheet around his waist.
“Gwen!” he exclaims, his face flushed and his voice breathless, no doubt from his vigorous activities.
“Me,” I deadpan and cross my arms, trying to give off an impassive vibe, despite wanting to throw up all over his sheets.
Ten months.
And the asshole finally told me loved me last week.
“Uh, I’m, I…” he stammers like an idiot who just got caught cheating.
“You, uh, are having sex with someone who isn’t me!” I finish for him in a very unattractive scream, making me sound like a possessed demon on helium.
“What’s your problem?” The blond bitch has the nerve to speak up. “You guys broke up.”
Uh… what?
My mouth drops open like an airplane hangar, and I don’t even care how stupid I must look. It probably fits with the way I feel right now. After a moment of gaping at the wonder that is this cheating, fuckerhead bum loser, I finally remember how my jaw works and close my mouth.
“Oh?” I ask Scott the fuckwad. “We broke up? I hadn’t heard. Weird…” I trail off as I turn and walk out of the bedroom. There’s not a lot else to say here.
“Gwen! Sweetness, wait!” Scott calls down the hall after me just before I hear who-the-fuck-cares-what-her-name-is pipe up.
“Sweetness? You said you broke up with her!”
Whoa… that’s rich.
“Gwen!” Scott calls again, hobbling down the hall after me, pulling on a pair of jeans.
I do my best to ignore him as I bend down to grab one of my boots and shove my foot into it.
“I can explain,” he says, standing over me and using the cliché cheater line. His proximity throws off my concentration, making me stumble to the floor, and I land on my ass.
“There’s nothing to explain, Scott,” I grind out from between my teeth as I shove one boot on, acting like my artless fall to the floor didn’t faze me. “You put your dick in another vagina. It’s actually pretty straightforward.”
“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” he pleads. What, is there some pitiful handbook out there filled with all the phrases cheaters use?
“You didn’t mean for it to happen,” I huff. “Don’t tell me your very averaged-sized penis has a mind of its own and set itself on blondie’s cooter, downed a handful of steroids and an energy drink, then went charging right for her, pulling you helplessly along with it!”
“Well, I mean… she came on to me, and I should’ve said no. I fucked up…”
Finally, he’s making some sense. Too bad it’s not going to save one ounce of his sorry ass.
“But she doesn’t mean anything,” he says in a dramatic tone, meant to get his sincerity through to me. “Youdo.”
Oh wow…
