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I let myself lean against the open doorway and scan the group of women and a few men jabbing and kicking at the air around them. I spot Luna towards the front and barely recognize her with the look of determination and… absolute hatred on her face. I have no idea what put that look on her face, but I can only imagine it’s me she’s imagining punching in the face and kicking in the balls.
I continue to watch her lithe body, sheened in sweat, do things I didn’t know it could. Loose hairs from her ponytail cling to her face as she twists and contracts, and per my new usual, I have no fucking idea what’s going on in my own head right now. I don’t know if I’m impressed to the point of being turned on, or unnerved that here’s one more reason to believe we aren’t the same people anymore.
When the class wraps, Luna grabs up her things from the floor against the far wall and makes her way over to me while taking a healthy chug from her water bottle.
“Hey,” she huffs, still a little out of breath. “Did you get to do anything?” she asks before taking in another breath and scrunching her nose. “Oh my God, K, have you been drinking?”
“Fuck, Luna, I had one shot at the bar across the way,” I close my eyes with a scoff as I turn away from her, and she meanders behind me down the crowded hallway.
“In the middle of the day?”
“My leg is killing me, and I’m out of the meds,” I defend myself exasperatedly. “I had one shot to take the edge off. What do you want from me?” I hold my hands out as she quickens her pace and darts around to get in front of me.
“I want you to try, Kaleb,” she supplies. “You’re not trying.”
“I got out of the house, and if I recall correctly, you said just that would be enough. I’ll go out to the garage when we get home and lift a few dumbbells if it will make you happy,” I fire off sarcastically.
“Just forget it,” she sighs as we get into the truck, and once again, my fucked up traitorous mind torments me. She’s relented. She’s off my back like I was demanding, and as the engine turns over, I can’t help but be angry as fuck that she has.
* * *
Luna
Another argumentwith Kaleb is in the books, and after my first time back at the gym since he got back, Carter seems to have waltzed back into my mind and made himself comfortable.
I took up these classes to prepare myself for if it happens again, because let’s face it, he’s proven relentless with no regard for court orders, but also to work off the aggression. I’m not feeling like the poor little victim he beat up on. I’m mad as hell after all of these months, and being back in the class just seemed to bring him to the forefront of my mind.
I’ve always allowed him in during those sessions because I thought it was a healthy outlet; to let it fuel my energy. But today, I was left wondering if it was really the best idea. Having my mind clouded with my own issues is not what my marriage needs right now.
For the last couple of days, I’ve left Kaleb alone. He’s griped about being out of his pain pills, the very ones he swore he was going to only take as needed, and that he’d ween himself off of. He’s been standoffish, and when we do interact, I can expect either caveman grunts or sarcasm.
It’s been a rough couple of days since the gym and I’ve hardly slept. I’m so tired and so mentally exhausted that I feel like I would do anything to sleep, which both scares and angers the hell out of me. I’m afraid if I took any kind of sleeping aid one would never be enough, and my genetic predisposition to addiction would never let me be unaffected. So here I am, lying here in bed, with Buster curled up on my pillow while I try with nothing but my own volition. Willing his purr motor to lull me, I shut my eyes and try to fall into a meditative state.
* * *
I can feel myself spiraling;swirling down into some kind of dark haze.
This feeling of terror is killing me, and I can think of nothing but blasting it away.
All of a sudden, I’m craving… cold. I want something cold to zap me out of it; to blast away the evil fog trying to overtake me. To wake me up. Despite the fact I’m awake, I don’t feel lucid. I still feel the terror as if I’m right back there on that dark staircase.
I struggle from my bed, trying to untangle myself from my mess of sweaty covers, stumbling through the dark. My pulse in my ears and the deep wheeze of my breaths are my ominous soundtrack as I gingerly pad down the hallway. I feel like even my shaking body has a sound.
When I reach the bathroom, I grip onto the door frame for support as I throw on the light. My eyes squint against the bright fluorescents, but I welcome it. Anything to make me feel like I’m right here, and in the present.
I wrench the cold-water faucet and run my hands under the cool water, splashing it haphazardly up onto my face. Each hit of the cold water seems to chip away at the haze, but it’s not enough.
Reaching over into the shower, I turn the cold knob all the way to the left. Hurriedly, I pull off my shirt and step out of my shorts before stepping in, not bothering to let myself acclimate. I let out a gasp with small yelp as the chill penetrates my skin tissue and racks my body, but I don’t care. I sit down in the tub and tuck my arms around my knees, tilting my face up to allow the ice-cold water to pelt down upon it.
I visualize the cold water like rain coming down over a wildfire, gradually extinguishing the flames. The residual smoke is like the dark panic rising from my body and evaporating.
“Luna?”
I jolt at the sound of Kaleb’s voice, my heart giving a few hard thrashes against my chest wall as if scolding him for interrupting its peaceful deceleration.
Shit. In my haste to snap out of my attack, I didn’t even think to close the door. The light and the noise likely woke him. I look up to see that I also didn’t have the damn curtain wrapped all the way around the tub and he can see me huddled here like a pathetic baby animal cowering from a storm.
“Kaleb,” I try to keep my voice calm. This is not my time; this is his time. As much as I need him right now, he needs me to be the strong, stable one, and he’s not going to think he can stay and depend on me if all he sees is a broken-down wreck.
