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“I really tried.” I sigh hard as the hot wind of defeat blows over my body that lies supine on my bed. “Kaleb doesn’t want to do this anyway, and my spirit has taken quite the beating this past year.”
“Have you talked to your parents?” Cass asks, interrupting my thoughts as Buster hops up on the bed next to me. I scratch his ears as he tries to comfort me with his loveable purr motor. Warm moisture trickles down my cheek and my head hurts as I try to figure out what to do.
“No,” I admit quietly, and I know I need to follow that up with an explanation even though I to taste the words. “I got caught up with a controlling, abusive, narcissist for a year before I wised up. “Then I ran off and married Kaleb after two days of knowing him again.” I feel my face crumple with the pain of my reality. “And now that marriage is falling apart after less than a year. He’s turned into this cold, hard shell of what he was before, and I’m just not ready to tell them, Cass.” I sniff as a sob I’d been trying to hold back escapes. “I’m ashamed, and I’m just not ready to face them with this. I’m not ready to tell them that every time they turn around, I dig my whole deeper and make a bigger mess of my life.”
“Lu,” she says soft but deliberate. “You didn’t do any of this. And there’d be no shame in throwing in the towel after everything you’ve done. You’ve more than tried, and I’d be behind you one hundred percent if you did.”
It’s true. I’ve been putting in all the effort, and the only reason I’m still here is because I dared him. In that moment I truly believed he was just messed up from his trauma and the pills and that my Kaleb was still in there somewhere and needed me.
But with each passing day, the more I think maybe he did change over there. Everything was so wonderful and solid between us so I didn’t want to believe it, but maybe he was just barely holding on… and that explosion made him lose his grip. Maybe he’s gone, and this angry and bitter man in his place is here to stay and really doesn’t want me.
But what will happen to him if I leave? Will he keep withering away without me here to push him?
Cassidy consoles me a few more minutes before we end the call. I continue to lie here, deliberating, never feeling at such a loss.
Kaleb’s been gone for hours with no contact. I’d like to reach out to find where he is, but part of me thinks it would just make it worse… so I’ve just been sitting here in the empty house, waiting and thinking while I, myself, fall deeper.
This is doing neither of us any good. Maybe I really should cut my losses and leave. Maybe Kaleb really will be okay on his own, finding his own way without me hovering.
I feel hollow, yet heavier than a tank at the same time. Flipping on the soft light of my bedroom, I look around aimlessly for a minute before walking over to the bed and crouching down to retrieve one of my bags from under my bed. Setting the purple weekender with white polka dots on the bed, I unzip and pull it open.
All I have to do now is put my things inside it, I tell myself, but the words make my heart sink, splitting open as it descends.
In the quiet of the house I pick up a sudden but soft melody coming from the living room. My phone. Maybe it’s Kaleb…
I hustle back to the recliner and find my screen lighting up with Kaleb’s name on the side table, and relief floods through me as I pick it up. “Hey,” I breathe out shakily.
“Hey, is this Luna?” an only vaguely familiar voice comes through the line instead of Kaleb’s.
“Yes?” I respond cautiously, feeling my brow furrow. “Is Kaleb okay? What’s going on?”
“Hey, this is Hunt,” he answers. Hunt… the contractor. I think I’ve seen him around town. “I think we’ve passed each other in the market a couple times,” he continues, answering that question. “I graduated a couple years ahead of Kaleb, but anyway, Kaleb’s alright, he’s just… well he’s a bit tossed and needs to be taken home. We’re at Ryan Farley’s – are you able to come get him?”
Ryan the asshole, as I remember him. His house is only three blocks, but if Kaleb is loaded, I better take the car.
“Yeah,” I sigh, feeling my nerves rattle to life and disperse through my body. “No problem, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
* * *
“Hey!”Kaleb finally notices me through the fire light. “There she is.” His voice wavers out slowly as I turn and reluctantly amble over to him. He’s being held up by Hunt, an arm slung around his shoulder and grasping a beer bottle in his hand. I definitely recognize him now. The splatters of plaster on his jeans and the sawdust on his work boots bring me back to the times I’ve seen him around town. The expression on his face is a cross between relieved to see me and regretful sympathy for what he’s about to dump on me. I’m not liking it either, but vows and all that. “My wife, everybody,” Kaleb slurs in presentation, dropping the half full bottle to the ground as Hunt removes his arm from around him and substitutes me as the new crutch.
“Okay, let’s go home,” I say gently, trying to turn me and my burley soldier in the direction of the car. My suggestion is rebuffed, however, when Kaleb takes hold of my chin with his free hand and nuzzles the side of my face.
“Isn’t she something, fellas?” He rhetorically addresses no one in particular before laying a kiss to my cheek. My insides claw at each other at the affection; blissful excitement duking it out with disappointment that it’s not the Kaleb I want showing me this kind of attention.
“You’ve got a good woman there,” Hunt responds. “Go on home with her,” he firmly advises with a warm tone.
“She is a good woman,” Kaleb agrees, halting us in our slow gait towards the car to take my face in both hands. “She’s so good to me,” he whispers and it’s almost like he’s saying it more to me than anyone else before trying to bring his mouth down on mine. I want so badly to welcome it, but the stench of whiskey and beer emanating off him remind me that it’s not right. Not like this.
“Kaleb, come on,” I softly blow the words out, so reluctant to say them as I try to pull his hands away from my face and resume our previous position so I can get him to the car. That’s all I need to do – get him to the car. Remove him from this setting, and then it’s downhill from there.
“S’matter?” he mumbles. “Too good to kiss me now?” He tries to arch an eyebrow, but those green depths are darker than the night, as if the alcohol has them under some kind of evil spell.
“If you still want to when you’re sober, I’m all for it,” I shoot back as I take one arm from around his middle and reach out to wrench open the passenger door. “But right now, you’re drunk and you need to sleep.”
Too drunk to argue further, Kaleb finally turns in the direction of the passenger seat, bracing a hand on either side of the frame as I help him lower himself into the car. He lazily drags his legs inside one by one, dropping his head back on the headrest.
Thankfully, it’s a quiet ride to the house. With Kaleb’s eyes shut, and his head slightly lulling against the headrest, I can’t tell if he fell asleep or is just resting. Either way, I’m thankful he’s not rowdy-drunk while I’m trying to drive us home.
