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He never did say he’d changed his mind about it; I just figured we were out of the woods. We aren’t how we were before he left, but I thought we were on our way to something resembling that. I mean, he moved me back into his room.
But then this morning…
This morning he got up early, and told me he’d be gone for a few hours.
Oh my God…
I break out of those thoughts and look back down at the papers, and this time, I can read everything clearly.
He’s still divorcing me. After everything.
After goddamn everything.
Without thinking, I start the engine while grabbing up my phone. I’ve kept my cool all this time, and now I don’t care how dramatic I’m being. Kaleb has earned this. My hand shakes as my thumb takes a couple of tries to swipe the screen to his contact.
My heart is threatening to explode from being overworked, and the pit of my stomach feels dark and cold.
After a little more fumbling, I turn on my phone’s Bluetooth and put the car in gear.
My classes in the city all but forgotten, I turn the wheel and burn out of the gas station lot. My anxiety is leading my movements as I drive in the opposite direction of where I was going.
The call goes straight to voicemail without ringing. It’s turned off.
He leaves for the day and turns off his phone while I get served divorce papers…
My insides tighten and twist as I speak into the interior of the car, being extra deliberate in keeping the tears out of my voice as I speak to him – to his voicemail – for the last time.
He doesn’t get any more of my tears.
41
KALEB
“So how are things now?” Dr. Jeffries – who is not at all like I expected – asks as he thoughtfully leans his head on his fist in his armchair.
We’ve only got ten minutes left in this session, and I didn’t even see the first forty fly by. Unlike the slacks with a sweater over a button down I was expecting, this guy is wearing worn jeans and a flannel open over a t-shirt. His laidback demeanor immediately made me relax, if only a little. It was still hard work getting me to divulge the pain of my childhood, but it led to me talking about how I met Luna on that ropes course, and how that was the first time I felt needed or depended on by somebody. That moment had given me new life, and I never wanted to be anything different to her. I never wanted her to see me as weak.
“They’ve been… really good actually,” I say quietly on a heavy breath.
“So do you still think she sees you as a burden?”
“No,” I let out quickly, shaking my head. “I don’t know why I even did before,” I shrug uncomfortably. “She’s not like that, she knows me.”
“May I share a theory?” he asks carefully as he straightens up, giving me a cautious look.
“Have at it.” I wave my hands out before dropping them in my lap.
He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Severe stress… can often have certain delusional effects on our way of thinking.”
“Are you saying I’m delusional?” I cock my head at him, hoping to God he isn’t.
“Actually, no,” he reassures me with a light chuckle. “But severe stress can cause some of our mind’s natural defense mechanisms to kick in. One of those is projecting.”
“Are you serious?” I ask, feeling my head tip forward, and he nods. “I remember now that’s what Luna said, that I was projecting.”
“Kaleb, do you think it’s possible that you were? That you were seeing yourself a certain way and were afraid of what would happen if she thought the same way, and so to protect yourself from the fallout, you convinced yourself that was indeed how she saw you?”
I think on that for a moment, feeling the space between my brows furrow. Instead of pressuring me to answer on that, he continues.
